To have lost a bit of faith in son's school? Questioning discipline tactics

[Mrsknackered]

DS is 4 and in reception class. Up until Christmas, he was doing really well, thriving, excited to go, etc. About a week ago, there was a cock up with payment for his milk (on their behalf not mine) and when break time came he was refused milk and told by TA 'mummy didn't pay for your milk'. He is very sensitive and finds calming down tough, by the time CM collected him from school he was still really distraught and had had a crappy day.

Then the following day there was an incident where he scratched another child after an argument, first time this has happened in nursery or school, school handled it well, we did an apology card at home and screen time was taken away for 2 days. Four days later, another child pushes him and calls him a mean name (mean for a 4 year old). DS told the teacher on duty, he was told to find someone else to play with. They inevitably return to playing with each other, and DS pushes said child. He is disciplined with back against the wall in the playground and had some points removed from their points system, because he had been 'told to find someone else to play with'

I expressed that I thought this was a bit unfair but agreed he should be disciplined for hurting someone. Was then informed as two incidents had occurred in a week that he had to wear a sash at break/lunch so that people were aware that 'he had been in trouble' I point blank refused, said it would isolate him and as he is a very sensitive child, this could cause a lot of distress for him. Was told this was protocol, other children have had this, blah blah. I said I didn't care, he wasn't going to be attending the following week if he was going to be ostracised in this way. Who would want to play with the 'naughty' child?!
So he didn't get placed in the sash, behaviour has been much better but he is sad and doesn't want to go to school - which is unlike him.

I feel a bit betrayed by the school in a way. I was apologised to for the milk saga, but he wasn't and ultimately it was him that was upset. I suggested maybe this was what was needed but it fell on deaf ears. I'm worried about sending him in and have been very nervous since on pick ups just incase something has happened. WIBU to refuse the sash wearing? And AIBU to feel like I've lost trust in the school? Not really sure if this is normal or not (he's our first)

sorry for the sweeping statements maisypops but tbh the junior schools my children attended had psychotic 'dinner ladies' who were known to slam doors in small children's faces, one insane SENCO who was known for spending most of a lesson screaming abuse at a child for using the word 'hobo' in his creative writing, a teacher who thought it suitable for two seven year olds to miss their lunch as punishment for a little chalk on a wall....another teacher who regularly screamed so loudly at her class it could be heard in the other classrooms...shall I go on?

DullAndOld
I don't doubt there's some crap stuff in schools. Hell i work in schools.

I just find sweeping statements on education threads quite unhelpful as they risk being a spring board for the same old faces who love an opportunity to bitch about teachers and schools like they're some homogeneous group. Not saying you're like that but give it a couple more pages and what starts as people givign helpful advice will end up with comemnts like 'go straight to the head or Ofsted' / 'clearly TAs/teachers/dinner ladies / any other diverse group of people love to bully children to make them feel better'.
See it all the time.

Who ever said 'all children are sensitive' I get that, but without outing myself, DS has had a pretty full on start to life and struggles coping with emotions more than some children - this has been flagged up by nursery, school and a psychologist, so felt was appropriate to put in the OP. He's not our only child, and it's very obvious to see who is the more 'sensitive' child.

Not comfortable to write publicly the specific area as haven't NC'd or anything. But I can reply to DM's if necessary

@ maisy...you know where I am coming from then.
not in Brighton ?

Start referring to the sash as "The Star Of David"

Watch them scuttle

Have you checked the website? I'm interested to know how this policy is worded - and if it is policy or a single teacher with some terrible notions of behavior management.
Once we know what it says we can compose a challenge to it.

Also gov email address. If it's true, we should all write (not serious, appreciate you don't want outed but just imagine their in box!)

And I think that it is wrong to distress a child over the milk. But, accidents happen, however they could have apologised to him. He was upset whilst his friends got their cartons, I think that's pretty harsh for a child in reception.

They have a yellow list and a blue list up in the class. Children on the blue list don't get milk unless it's a 'spare' because someone isn't in. DS can tell me who is on the blue list, and I think that's quite sad/humiliating too, as he has also asked 'why doesn't X's mum and dad pay for her milk'

@purgingmary going to check now.

The class teacher said that she couldn't put a stop to him wearing the sash until they spoke to the KS1 coordinator (I think she said coordinator not 100%)

There's no way I'd allow them to put my child in a sash.

what do you mean? yellow list and blue list? is it like a different list for those who are on free school dinners?

Mrsknackered I don’t think that is a very nice reception class ... your poor little boy, and his classmates too

I would keep my child off school or change schools if they made them wear a sash for that.

Right so I've checked online, NO mention of the sash. It does state that during time in the playground, first strike is against the wall, second is a yellow card and a loss of break time, third is a red card, so on.

I feel sorry for the class teacher, she is very nice and I feel like she doesn't particularly agree with all of this either but it's pretty much out of her hands.

Ask them if the person who was responsible for the milk money mistake and the TA are expected to wear a sash, since they fucked up. I’m usually reading these school threads and shaking my head at the overly precious parents, but in this case I’m bloody disgusted by the school. As someone said earlier, it’s the new dunce cap.

omg published lists for kids whose parents can't afford to pay up
(because the qualifying level for FSM is fucking ridiculously skint)
sash of shame for those who are are naughty - I mean seriously can you imagine actually putting that on a 4 year old?

I wouldn't keep my child in a school where the staff were so unable to inculcate a culture of respect and good behaviour that they had to humiliate wee kids

Please write to the school head, governing body and local authority re the sash. This should not be happening.

The milk money business wasn't on and the sash
But I imagine the incident when he pushed the child he was in trouble for pushing not because he returned to play with the them.
I also think your punishment at home was ott. Removing a treat for 2 days at that age for something that had been dealt with at school?

So the sash isn't policy. I guess it's someone's 'bright' idea - but not policy so you shouldnt expect it to happen. You need to establish the facts. Appointment with the head and write to chair of governors. I think the sash, if it ever existed, will disappear pretty quickly but you need to get to the bottom of it.
Schools have policies to ensure consistency, fairness, transparency etc. the sash is not policy and so shouldn't be happening (apart from being plain wrong).

BlueMirror we did lots of other activities that we wouldn't usually do because he'd rather watch Dinosaur Train. I don't think it was harsh, but perhaps I'm a little too over cautious with him. I worry constantly about raising a well rounded child (as I'm sure lots of people do)

I wouldn't have a problem with the milk thing. Some children have milk and some children don't. It sounds like the TA just explained to your ds why he wasn't having it that day.

At our school, all children are offered milk in Reception, whether they are 4 or 5, but that is subsidised by the school as far as I know. If budgets shrink much further we may not be able to afford to do it.

The sash is bollocks and you can have the satisfaction of stamping it out. Not policy, shouldn't be happening. End of.

But while you're there you can discuss the cumulative effect of sash threat and some clumsiness on the part of the school as had on your DS. Schools don't want unhappy children; ask the head how you can work together to regain his enthusiasm.

Well I guess if the milk hadn’t been paid for (regardless of whose error it was) there wasn’t much the teacher could have done about it. He could have had water. I’m sure the sash (pe band most likely) is just to point out children who need extra support during play time.

The sash reminded me of Helen in Jane Eyre having to walk round/sit with a Slattern 'crown' all day. I'd react in the same way as Jane - ie tear it off and rip it up.

Although - completely off thread - finding its meaning taught me the joys of a dictionary!

The wearing of the sash thing is a fucking AWFUL idea and I am amazed it's allowed. This is not a regular state school, surely? I would not have agreed to it either.

The rest of the way he was disciplined for the incidences of pushing and scratching I have no issue with.

I think you are making a bit of a leap to think that his behaviour all stemmed from the comment about the milk. That smacks of you clutching at straws (no pun intended) to excuse his behaviour and make the school at fault for it.