Grandparents caring for grandchildren

[Lolly17]

In 7 months of being a parent, I've never asked my parents to look after my LO.

I asked my Mum if she could take care of him "for a couple of hours" next weekend after she had already confirmed she and my Dad were not doing anything.

She told me "grandparents should only look after their grandchildren if the parents are working" which really surprised me. I know how excited my dad would be to spend time with his grandson!

Anyway. This led me to think. Do you think she's right that parents shouldn't ask anyone else to care for their child, or do you think as parents, we deserve a break every now and again?

P.s this isn't me complaining she said no. I'm generally just wanting to debate this topic

She's within her rights to refuse (though I agree it's surprising)
You are not unreasonable to want a break though!

Sounds like she doesn't want to look after your child.

I don't agree with her statement. Maybe she feels her child rearing days are over and is putting her foot down before you even think to ask her again.

It's a shame because she comes across as though she doesn't want to spend time with her grandchild

Yanbu - what a strange thing to say. Tbh, it sounds like an excuse made up on the spot as she doesn’t want to do it... Her prerogative and all that, but I don’t think anyone on the planet would think gps should only ever watch gcs if parents are working.

Or maybe they have secret plans, doing something embarrassing!

Ask your dad !

I dont understand this forum at all. In the real world, grandparents do step up and help. Its a complete myth that they don't (as a societal norm).

Your mother is 'odd'. To quote the old saying 'a village brings up a child'.

I find it totally bizarre. If she doesn't want to spend time with him I'd rather she was honest.

Besides, I'm in total shock as I thought she would love to.

I'm sure she wasn't saying that when she was a mother with young kids, I remember sleepovers with my grandparents!

It’s her right to refuse, but yes I do think it’s odd to not want to help your children out (while spending time with your grandchild in the process!). My parents still work full time but will always help out if they’re asked and are able to.

If your Dad would love it, why not ask him?

My mother would say the opposite. She enjoys looking after DC but refused to look after if I was working. My choice to work, so I deal with the childcare as that's not the grandparent's job. Grandparents are there to give the parents a break and to be able to spoil the DC (nicely!) for a short time with love and attention and not be there to be in charge of discipline and daily routine.

However, babies are v different from children. Looking after a baby is a bigger responsibility and harder work and hard to remember what to do perhaps? I would be more worried looking after someone else's DC at 7mths than 7yrs for sure!

Because if I do, I now look like I dick!

She said no, he agrees and she is still looking after him after saying no!

My ds has two grandmothers that fight tooth and nail to have him in their spare time lol
They love spending time with him rather than to give me a break.
In my experience it's weird that your mum doesn't want to spend more time with your child .....maybe she is unwell or tired ?

As a child I was looked after a lot by both sets of grandparents, they lived close by, my parents were young (20) and quite sociable. I had my wee girl when I was 31, we live far away from both families and our work lives are different from our parents so I knew that they wouldn't be able to look after my child much but I thought there would be an odd occasion. There hasn't been. My Mum has barely visited us, she won't help do anything like baths, or changing or bottles. They clearly love my daughter and my Dad would probably be happy to ask but my Mum just avoids it everytime. When I've asked she has volunteered my sister. My husbands family are a little more helpful but also rarely visit and have never offered to look after our girl for my husband and I to even go out for a cup of tea. In the 20 months since my daughter was born my sister has baby sat for us to go out for a meal twice and I'm really grateful to her.

It has taken my husband and I a long time to just accept that our families are just not going to be that helpful and I won't lie it does make me a bit sad because I thought our girl would have a really close relationship to her grandparents like I did even with the distance but whilst she will love them she just doesn't know them as well as she could.

She's obviously within her rights to say no. But what she said is weird. When does she see him then ? Only when you are there ? What is your relationship like with her ?

Some grandparents are desperate to look after their grandchildren, others not.

I just wouldn't bother asking her again. She doesn't sound like someone I would want looking after my children.

Speaking as a grand parent myself, she doesn't know what she's missing. Ive always been asked to mind my grandkids and i take it as a privilege. I think i'd feel quite upset to not be asked. I think it's a strange remark for her to say GPs should only be asked if the parents are working. This never used to be the case, and still isn't in a lot of cases.

Most Gps would rather not be regulated by set hours to mind their grandkids, rather have them when it suits them and for sleepovers. Where on earth has she got such a strange notion from.

Is it to do with age? For instance looking after a baby is different to her going for sleepovers when she’s 6?

It is a rather rigid viewpoint though.
I can see why it’s surprised you.

My parents are childminders so they see a lot of DD7 so I can work - but also want to have time with her every other weekend that is proper grandparent time. They’ve done a variation of this since she was 18 months. And her other grandparents take time off work to have her for a couple of days during school holidays otherwise they’d rarely see her and they aren’t particularly family minded people in general!

I just find it odd as she was always happy for us to be looked after by our grandparents when she and my dad wanted a break.

She sees him twice a week when the three of us go out together (for lunch, shopping, baby groups etc). So it's not that she doesn't want to spend time with him, she just doesn't want to be responsible for him by the sound of it?

Could you suggest Dad comes to you so it keeps mom out of it if you think he would like it?

It is an odd stance. No os fine but no because you want to have fun is just mean.

Also, just to point out. I haven't asked her to have him overnight. Literally 2-3 hours on a Saturday afternoon with a weeks notice ahead

She is within her rights to say no but its rather cold to speak like that and not help out family at all

FiL was so involved he was practically a co-parent. His 5 grandchildren were his world. I wouldnt let your dad miss out because it your mum isnt interested.

I am a dgm and unfortunately my exdil blurred the lines so badly now I won't have dgs (my choice). For 18 months I had been having him 2 nights a week - at her request - so she could work split shifts. She chopped and changed so much I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I work, have dc, one a toddler, and bent over backwards to support them (my ds does also but works ft too). Somewhere along the way she has forgotten I am his dgm and was demoted to free child care provider. I didn't even get a Christmas card / text - despite having dgs from Christmas Eve til Christmas lunch time.
So I resigned from my post and just see him on a Sunday when ds brings him over. Maybe some gps just want to be simply that.

grandparents should only look after their grandchildren if the parents are working

Oh can you have some fun and call her bluff? Tell her you've cancelled all the child care you had booked for when you go back to work and pencilled her in for 7am-7pm care 5 days a week

Or is that the problem? Was she expecting you to go back to work and use her for childcare and you haven't yet/weren't going to?

What an odd thing to say - surely looking after children whilst the parents are at work is a much bigger responsibility than an odd couple of hours for some peace.

I come from a family where grandparents don't get involved with childcare - I can count on one hand the number of times I was left with my Nanna and grandad because it simply wasn't done. My mum is the same - she very rarely looks after my brother's children but they've always been clear about they don't expect to be asked so it's never caused a problem.

DH's mum and dad are the opposite - they have their grandchildren for holidays (they live in a holiday home) and there's been no end of offers to look after our one on the way.

I do go back to work in April and she's actually more than happy to look after him then!

Ask DFIL round - mine is also like a co-parent. Round almost every day, babysits so much I feel guilty (working parents) and suggest he has a break. He tells me he lives for his GC. We are perhaps closer than most, he eats at ours about 3 times a week and always phones up asking if i need anything from the shops