Grandparents caring for grandchildren

[Lolly17]

In 7 months of being a parent, I've never asked my parents to look after my LO.

I asked my Mum if she could take care of him "for a couple of hours" next weekend after she had already confirmed she and my Dad were not doing anything.

She told me "grandparents should only look after their grandchildren if the parents are working" which really surprised me. I know how excited my dad would be to spend time with his grandson!

Anyway. This led me to think. Do you think she's right that parents shouldn't ask anyone else to care for their child, or do you think as parents, we deserve a break every now and again?

My mum would love to care for my kids more. She adores them but lives too far to have them regularly. I actually think it should be that grandparents care for kids when need a break and NOT working. Less obligation that way.

I should say he only babysits maybe once a fortnight but loves looking after him whilst im running round the house tidying or cooking

Lolly I would make sure that your mum is definitely happy to look after your baby in April. I've seen stories on here where promised childcare has been rescinded at the last minute and the parents have been screwed.

I think it's absolutely fine to ask, as long as the person you're asking feels comfortable saying no and you're not putting undue pressure on them. Personally, I would never ask a friend, for instance, though I have a few friends who completely rely on friends for childcare (that isn't paid) if they want a day to themselves or a night out. To each their own, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a friend to do that for free just so I could go out for the night. My dh and I do have a babysitter though and it feels different when it's a professional arrangement and their job.

But grandparents, yes, I totally think it's fine to ask grandparents to watch their grandkids. They can always say no. But certainly both of ours have been more than happy to stay with our dd for a few hours or an overnight (ours is 4 now) on occasion. It's not often and neither live close by, so it's only ever when they happen to be visiting or if we travel to stay with them, so it's like a couple times a year, if that. But unless they are being taken advantage of (like it's several times a week) or the parents are otherwise being irresponsible, I can't imagine how someone could say no, especially knowing how tough it is being a parent to a small child. But I think there are definitely people who want everyone else to struggle through as much as they did!

That said, both my dh and I were cared for quite a bit by our grandparents as children. My gp had me full-time during the day from 3 months until I started school while my mum when back to work. She never paid them, though she did do quite a bit to help them (with drs appts, food shopping, etc.) and helped them to buy a house, etc. So I think ours almost feel like they should be doing more than a few hours a few nights a year so we can go out to dinner.

Well if she does plan to help out isn't it better that he gets to spend a little solo time with them before that, so he gets used to them?

She's got a very odd outlook!

Maybe it's the use of hte term 'looking after'?

Could you go back and say 'Mum, I think we're on different wavelengths here. I'm not looking for Saturday childcare. We don't need you to look after him. I was assuming that I was suggesting a nice thing - that you could get to have some time with him and vice versa. Just like we did with Granny and Grandad when we were little, we got to spend time at theirs without you and Dad and we loved it. It also seems quite odd that you say you're fine with looking after him when I go back to work - you do realise that if you're not willing to have any time with him alone before then, it's going to be pretty stressful for him if you suddenly then have him for the day with me not there?!'

Yes, she is absolutely within her rights to say no. But she is missing out. My DM told me not to expect her to look after the baby once I returned to work. This was about 5 mins after I told her I was pregnant with my first baby, her first gc.

Fast forward 10 years and DM has had ds for two separate over nights. One of those was when I was giving birth to dd. My DM has never baby sat. She loves the dc but can only tolerate them in small doses, despite the fact that they are really good kids. She enjoys their company when she does see them and is often buying them little bits and pieces. My DM has been given countless opportunities to get more involved but seems happy with the way things are.

But she has missed out on loads. She doesn't really know the dcs, their interests, their friends etc. My DM isn't someone my dc could turn to for advice, emotional support etc. There isn't the warm, cosy relationship that there could have been. It has taken me a long time to make peace with that but for my own sake, I have.

Weird logic.

I have 2 older sds and a ds and two younger children. My eldest sd text me on Thursday and asked if she could take the 2 younger ones and the dog overnight and Saturday. She is 24. It means myself and dh can go out and then have a lie on in the morning. My sds and ds are so good with babysitting for us that I will never be able to day no to them when they have kids of their own. Surely that's what family do. They help out when they can and try to give others a break. Of course everyone is within their right to say no to whatever they choose but it must be hard to get no support especially from your own family.

That's a really random made up rule. She might as well say grandparents should only look after grandchildren on Tuesdays. It's also utter bollocks.

My parents were our first and best babysitters on the very rare occasions we needed them. And I do mean needed. They looked after our 2 year old when I went into labour with DC2, and when we had hospital appts for a newborn when I was BF, recovering from the birth and couldn't drive. If your mum won't step into the breech to help when your child's too young for you to entrust to anyone else, that's a real shame.

What @Bendyandtheinkmachine said!

She doesn't sound too reliable IMO. It's a couple of hours! How much is she looking after LO when you go back?

You need t find a trusted babysitter and still go out . Possibly you need a plan b for April as well, if she can't manage a few hours how will she cope with liking after him so much?

I would consider scaling back the weekly days out, she has no incentive to help you out if she is seeing him so much. I think she sounds quite cold and uncaring if am honest, are you happy to leave him with her?

Also lots of decent nurseries have waiting lists...my friend had to book her LO in when she was 5 months pregnant the list was so long! I hope she doesn't let you down at the last minute op.

Liking - looking

I think she’s trying to elevate her disinterest and laziness into a principle and no-ones buying it! Utter bullshit from your mum, why did you let her get away with such a pompous line?

I'm a graduate and I'm looking after DGS whilst his dad plays his new game and his mum has a day to herself.

My mother told me about meeting another grandmother in the playground once when she was with my DD. The other grandmother looked after her eldest grandchild once a week at her DIL's request to give her a break while she was on maternity leave with her second. Apparently the two of them had a great sniffy conversation about how nobody was around to give them a break when they were raising children.

Her choice.

shrugs

Finola

Ditto, and it does take time to come to terms with the relationship you hoped would exist versus the realty.
My parents are completely selfish and do absolutely nothing at all for us ( even in emergencies) and yet still expect us to visit them all the time and take them out and entertain them.
It really doesn't work like that. With them just doing all the taking.
I have found distance, solid friendships and low contact was the very best solution for us, and it stopped me feeling resentful.
My dc have amazing relationships with other people that love them, they really haven't missed out but my parents have and will continue to

If she doesn't mind looking after him when you work then maybe she just has a problem with you having a few hours to yourself and having some of your life away from the baby with your husband.

I know a grandparent like this. She didn't have help raising her children, useless husband etc and therefore seems to think that parents shouldn't really have a life. It's like she begrudges her daughter a good life instead of wanting her to have a different life to her unhappy and hard life. She gets really 'weird' when her daughter and son in law have a night out. Apparently she says that when you have children then you don't get to have any time to yourself

I have never left my children very much with anyone but a few afternoons/evenings with grandparents doesn't seem much to ask.

My parents actually think the opposite, they do not want to be the main child care provider for any of their grandkids at any point. They think they have done their share in their time, and lead busy lives.

But they love haveing them to stay, (soemtimes while parents are working, eg over half term) and are delighted to babysit. The main problem we have is finding space in my mum's busy social diary....

She's within her rights to impose parameters on her own care of grandchildren, she's full of shit to make generalisations about what grandparents should do per se. Not her call.

If she's being a hypocrite in terms of taking all the help when you were little and not wanting to do anything now when she'd be able to if she wanted, by all means judge accordingly. However if she is willing to provide assistance when you're working, I'd probably just take that help and try not to dwell on it. It may not be as much as she got when she had young DC, but it's still something pretty valuable.

It sounds as if she's saving the promise of childcare as a reward for when you go back to work, if that makes sense. I can understand that. When you go back to work you'll find you really miss the time with your little one, and maybe she just wants to make sure you don't miss out now.

If you really need to, pay for a babysitter. It's a good idea anyway to make sure you have a back-up babysitter that your little one knows, just in case you need one in an emergency or your mum isn't able to do childcare one day when you're at work etc.

I knew a woman like this, she soon backed down and became very jealous when the other gp's stepped up with the childcare offers and saw more of the gc than they did

Whilst they aren't obliged to offer childcare it's a bit weird when they don't want to do a couple of hours. I can see why they wouldn't want a regular commitment though.

This is one reason that came to my mind:

Is she a bit of a martyr? Thinks a mother's place is to be downtrodden and put up with it?

I think she thinks mothers should only use grandparent childcare for going to work, and probably thinks that you using her to give you a break on a Saturday is extravagant and frivolous and not what hardworking mothers should do.
I'm just extrapolating here from the kind of rubbish my own DM comes out with!

Her choice - it is frustrating though with that sort of logic.
My mum and dad live 100 miles away - but if they lived round the corner they'd say no - but then I wouldn't ask because they're toxic.

MIL lives down the road and in the last 6 years I have asked her once to pick up DS from pre-school for me (which is across the road from her house) and drop at my house because I'd had a c-section with DS2 exactly a week before. She said yes initially - then on the day said she couldn't do it as she had booked the dog in to the vets for his booster injections - so I had to walk there and back, took me a while.

Second time was to watch DS2 (it's his nap time so literally be in the house while he slept) for us while we went to a nativity in the afternoon for 45 mins. She said yes then on the day said she didn't feel like doing it - so DS2 stayed at nursery and I picked him up later - total of 80 miles traveled that day instead of 40.

She did look after SILs 3 kids 3 days a week while she was at work and through school holidays though until they were about 11 though so can't quite understand why on the extremely rare occasions I ask she doesn't do it. She doesn't even come round to see them.

I don't ask anymore. Saves being disappointed that my kids have shit grandparents.