Grandparents caring for grandchildren

[Lolly17]

In 7 months of being a parent, I've never asked my parents to look after my LO.

I asked my Mum if she could take care of him "for a couple of hours" next weekend after she had already confirmed she and my Dad were not doing anything.

She told me "grandparents should only look after their grandchildren if the parents are working" which really surprised me. I know how excited my dad would be to spend time with his grandson!

Anyway. This led me to think. Do you think she's right that parents shouldn't ask anyone else to care for their child, or do you think as parents, we deserve a break every now and again?

@Lavenderdays - with you on that

My youngest dc (4) is always talking about grandparents because many of her friends grandparents at pre-school do the school run; so she quite often raises it and weirdly, more often about having a granddad (he is a strange character, lives abroad now - pursuing his hobby and rarely seen and has no time for his grandchildren). DH's parents are both deceased. Easy to explain dh's parents situation not so easy to explain my own - I don't want to come across as nasty (and it is hard to explain to youngest dc until they are much older) but basically their grandparents are not pleasant people.

Redpony1
My parents both work full time with hectic lifestyles too but any "downtime" we spend together as an extended family. That's just how we are, as are many of my friends with their families, so I do find other arrangements a bit odd I suppose.

Have said several times on similar posts that I can’t relate to GPs who don’t spend time with their grandkids, they are missing out on such a special relationship IMO and I think it’s a selfish trait. I am involved with my 3 grandkids so much and will drop everything if needed at any time night or day, to me that’s a blessing and a pleasure and I cherish how close we all are, can’t imagine it any other way and it’s sad that so many mums don’t have that support, to me it’s a natural progression through life to be there for your children and grandchildren at all times and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Lavender

My dc are older now and I have been more open about their gp ( and they can see for themselves and don't like them much either) when they were young I was breezy about it, and said the gp were busy with lots of things, live far away, not well etc to protect their feelings ( they were none of these things btw and were perfectly capable of spending time with gc) Then I would say but so so can't wait to see you and change the subject. Grandparents day is always horrendous but it is once a year. School shows used to be painful too.
As my dc have grown up we see less and less of other children's gp. (Now we see almost none ) and my dc no longer question why granny never collects them or comes to see them) so it does get better, so much better. My dc now support me when I feel occasionally sad! They tell me out little family unit is all we need to be happy and they are right.

User

You sound amazing and my dream gp if only more were like you 🌸

Yes, User...you do sound amazing. Luck of the draw who ends up with a parent/grandparent like you, me thinks!

And User 147, thank you that is a useful insight into handling the situation...and yes, my priority is to protect my children.
I know what you mean about grandparents day...only stumbled across it for the first time last year and none of the organisers could grasp why I found it so difficult but it felt horrendous and would probably be tempted to extract my dc from school if they tried to put on such an event. I have never missed a school show yet - I am determined not to as my own parents rarely came to anything (just my grandfather - despite my mother being a sahp). History repeating itself in my mother's case tbh.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s rubbish. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to be there for my gc (fingers crossed, one day a long way away in the future). My dc snuck their sleeping toys into school the other day and announced they were staying with her that night there’s a lot of sneaky stuff that goes on at Nanna’s house, and they love it! Sorry, that sounds really boastful - I just hope I’ll have the same relationship with mine one day, what was your relationship like with your grandparents?

I don't think parents necessarily 'deserve' breaks

Whao, I don't know who deserves what but parents need breaks.

One of the best mothers I've ever known would hand the children over to their father as soon as he came home from work. She benefitted, the children benefitted and the father benefitted.

Normally I find the attitude on mumsnet that all grandmothers should babysit as often as the parents want very, very grating, but not having your grandchild for a couple of hours when you are free, just because the mother isn't going to be working is horrible.

If you're going back to work in April and she's agreed to do childcare then, surely it's in your child's best interests to spend some one on one time with her in short spells first? You wouldn't put a child into nursery for 10 hours on their first day. Plus she might find she can't cope and then you're up shit creek for childcare. Very odd attitude imo. Do you have other relatives or friends who could help out? Sounds like you might need to look elsewhere.

Good point NoMoreUsernames...Op, I might be inclined to look at back-up childcare options in your situation.

iprefercoffeetotea

I've said this before, but when you have sex back in your 20s/30s you are not thinking that the baby that you may produce will have eg 4 sprogs later on in life (possibly MUCH later in life) and then expect you to look after said sprogs.

I don't agree. I would have thought most people have children to build a family and that includes future generations. I would presume they would want to spend time with their children and then grandchildren. I am interested in everything my children do so I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my children's children.

I will happily pick up and ad hoc childcare needs for friends and family if they need to work. Am not so keen to do it so that they can go out as feel they should be doing things as a family or paying for childcare.

However I'm not a hypocrite and don't leave mine with anybody bar DH if I go out.

I wish my daughter would ask me to help out more often.
I would love to cut my hours down at work to help with childcare but just cannot afford it.

Ah Lavender and User, thank you, it feels natural to me and I don’t think any of us - daughter, son in law or grandkids- could imagine it any other way although i’m sure there’s times when I drive them mad, too many sweets for the kids, etc! It’s almost as if some people put a timeline on parenting and can’t wait to step down or pass it off as ‘ I did my time as a mother, not going to do it as a grandmother ‘ but parenting is for ever and the word parent is in grandparent so it’s infinite to me. I adore and protect my grandkids with my whole being, it’s a further layer of love every bit as deep and intense as love for your children and they will always come first in my life, my choice and i will always stand by that decision

Reading this thread makes me realise how fortunate I am with my amazing parents,my mum looks after my little boy all day every Thursday whilst I work and also whenever I ask,so me and DH can go out,they have him overnight if we do. My dad also dotes on him and he is hands down my DS's favourite person by far! His first appropriately used name was Grandpa Astounding how some grandparents are so distant and cold there relationship with their GC will suffer.

I think grandparents should do the fun stuff and not to cover work!

Oh and it's their choice to have him overnight if we go out and the caveat is that they keep him all day the day after to take him out for the day and have fun however they fancy we miss him but he has the best time with his GP's and we get a brief break of just being us again not just mum and dad,but we do only ask about every 6 or 8 weeks I'd never take the mickey.

I’m currently in hospital with my youngest and my mum has my eldest. Their dad works in the middle of nowhere and my OH works in London so neither is an option, and to be honest I wouldn’t ask anybody else - my mum is my Mum and my mum has always said when you have children you’re also accepting any potential grandchildren that come from them... i wouldn’t even think about it if my children asked me.
Although I don’t agree with people taking the pee like my brother who seems to think she runs a daycare/picking up from everywhere/dropping off to anywhere/24-7 meal service.

It sounds like she will facilitate work for you , but your not supposed to have fun/time out ?