Grandparents caring for grandchildren

[Lolly17]

In 7 months of being a parent, I've never asked my parents to look after my LO.

I asked my Mum if she could take care of him "for a couple of hours" next weekend after she had already confirmed she and my Dad were not doing anything.

She told me "grandparents should only look after their grandchildren if the parents are working" which really surprised me. I know how excited my dad would be to spend time with his grandson!

Anyway. This led me to think. Do you think she's right that parents shouldn't ask anyone else to care for their child, or do you think as parents, we deserve a break every now and again?

Most people I know do get help from their parents (myself included), but it is entirely her choice.

If you want a break then there are other options, ie child's father or a babysitter.

My parents are the same. Zero interest in ever looking after their DGC, but fully interactive with play etc when they visit.

They put their foot down that they wouldn't every babysit when the first DGC's imminent arrival was announced.

Totally fine with me, I 100% understand and support their stance. My GP's never looked after us either.

I find non-involved grandparents very odd. My parents spend time with my daughter and their other 9 grandchildren most days, and they both work full time. I was practically raised by my then-retired grandparents as my parents were in work. In my mind when you have children you anticipate that you could one day become a grandparent? I don't think I would expect them to help per se but I can't understand those who don't.

Finola...your mother and my mother sound very similar.

It is weird because my mother was more than happy for me to spend many, many hours with my grandparents and was always seeking their help. But my grandparents were more than happy to have us and as a result we developed a close relationship with them - probably closer to them than our own parents.
My mother made it quite clear when dc1 was born that she didn't want to commit to childcare and never provided any support to me whilst I was experiencing pnd. She would make comments like..."you could do with getting out one morning a week." but never ever offered to have dc to enable me to do this. She never really was interested in getting involved in dcs activities and I realise now it was her loss. The only time she ever came to look after dc1 was when I went into hospital to give birth or other major emergencies of which there were few. Dc2 doesn't know her grandmother...we are now estranged from her...and it feels as if a weight has lifted. She will never be the mother to me or the grandmother to my children I would wish her to be.
Having said that there are some amazing grandparents out there and whilst aspiring to have my own interests as I age, I also hope to be a decent grandmother (if ever I am fortunate to become one). That doesn't mean never saying no...but I have learnt from my own mother how not to do it!

It's definitely a weird MN thing to say that grandparents don't owe you ANYTHING at all and that as you decided to have children that it's totally up to you work out your childcare issues and to think it's normal that grandparents don't want to help at all.

I don't think real life works like this. If all grandparents fostered this sort of relationship with their grandchildren and children, then they can hardly complain in years to come they never come to visit them.

You reap what you sow.

Not from Stepford: Yes, that defines it well my parents are toxic!

She's missing out.

My mum looks after my DD 2 days a week while I work. The days have changed over the years, was 3 days for a while when I went back to work full time, now back to 2 days.

DD is only 2 just now and goes to a private nursery 3 days a week now, 2 days with my mum. When she gets her funded hours in August, I said to mum that it would be good for her to get her freedom back on those 2 days without a toddler, as I was going to sort her hours out so she was in full time childcare while I worked, a mix of funded and paid. My mum wouldn't have it! Said she would like at least one day a week with DD, she enjoys having her and that she is great company.

They have a fabulous relationship. My mum has lots of patience for her, they bake together, sing, dance, read stories, cuddle up on the couch watching cartoons. My DD says a lot of random things we have never heard her say before, and we know they just come from my mum. Such as 'love you lots like jelly tots' etc. My mum has a very silly streak which dd loves, when you walk into her house all you can hear is them both giggling. My mums phone is full of funny selfies of the 2 of them. It's lovely :)

I hope to do the same with my grandkids someday

She's perfectly entitled to say no but at the same time her excuse is a bit weird.

My in-laws look after my older DC overnight occasionally, and my younger 2 in the day even more occasionally (once a year or so). My parents live too far away.

I never had sleepovers with grandparents so it seems normal for my DC not to.

She really doesn't want any of the responsibility of looking after your Child

@Lavenderdays - if I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent - they'll be spoiled rotten and will do everything I can for them as a family.

@RestlessLegKick - very true, you reap what you sow.

As a Mum I’d rather have family look after my child than a random babysitter or friend. My mum and Nan have an amazing relationship with my kids. My mum has looked after both my kids since they were born which she offered to do so I could go back to work. I looked after my little sister whilst my mum went to work in the evenings. As we all live together in a big house it worked well. My mum takes them out during the school holidays when I work and won’t except any money. I only work mornings so am there in afternoon and evening and now they are both at school full time, gives me and my mum a bit of time free. I have two standing appointments a year with my mum that she babysits the kids which I’ve asked her one for walker stalker convention and the other is our annual shopping one day shopping trip.and she always arranges to do something with them. She’s just offered to watch them next Thursday evening when she heard me talking to my friend about the cinema and I mentioned I wasn’t sure which shift my bf was working and she was like don’t worry I will do it. I don’t expect anything of her.

Is she a bit of a martyr? Thinks a mother's place is to be downtrodden and put up with it?

I am one who always defends a grandparent's right to say no to looking after the grandchildren, but the reason she gave you is horrible. My mother told me and I told me daughter to always try and get out at least once a week when you have small children. And even I, grumpy granny par excellence, looked after my dgd to facilitate that.

Agree with Perfectly Imperfect and Gail London. My own Mum is a bit like this... it’s strange. It’s hard to articulate but I think it comes from the ‘mummy martyr’ syndrome of feeling that mums should just accept that they have no time for themselves.

Mine babysits when I work (i’m Freelance so it’s unpredictable/ not every week as some work I do from Home in evenings) and she is truly fantastic with them when she does - they love her. So she’s capable of doing long days from 8-6 when i’m out at work. M

But on the occasions i’ve asked if she could have just the toddler for an hour while I do a fitness class, for example (while big one is at school) she’s really cagey. I have come to the conclusion that she feels the same as your mum about it.

It’s an odd thing as you feel you can’t complain as they DO help you but it comes with this side order of guilt.....

Its a sad response OP but I agree with a previous poster who reckons she presents as having a martyr complex.
I'd be pleased she doesn't want to baby sit given her negative, judgmental and downright odd mindset. You don't want your child absorbing that level of negativity, particularly given the damage it can do to the emotional wellbeing of a child when exposed to such rigid and controlling views of the world.
I have a niece who is grown up now but when she was a child, she was looked after regularly by her father's mother who was riddled with all sorts of daft ideas and anxiety inducing behaviours.This was 'back in the day', of course when there was little if any real awareness of emotional wellbeing in society generally.
At 44, my niece is in counselling for severe anxiety which she firmly believes began in those early years when her grandmother looked after her one day a week and projected all sorts of weird fears and anxieties onto her. To this day, my niece cannot get into a lift with a female
over the age of 50 because her grandmother's voice is in her head telling her if she runs out first she'll get lost or kidnapped and be found by a policeman under a hedge....sad.
I know my niece is an extreme example in some ways OP, but think carefully about exposing your child to anyone who has such a hard line take on things. Your child needs kind, loving, intelligent people around her; not puffed up idiots parading as ill informed oracles.

Honestly, I think she's really weird for not wanting to but I don't think parents necessarily 'deserve' breaks.

@unihorn
I find non-involved grandparents very odd. My parents spend time with my daughter and their other 9 grandchildren most days, and they both work full time. I was practically raised by my then-retired grandparents as my parents were in work. In my mind when you have children you anticipate that you could one day become a grandparent? I don't think I would expect them to help per se but I can't understand those who don't

My parents work full time and have hectic hobbies/lifestyles. Essentially, they have their own busy life, they've done the 'kids' thing.

Parents always 'deserve' breaks regardless of who looks after the dc. You can't be a good parent for the best part of eighteen years never having had a break of any kind.

I would only babysit my GC for work reasons in an emergency. The rest of the time, I up for it anytime - I love it - we do lots of things that are special to us. What goes on in nanny's house, stays there - and mum and dad agree - it works perfectly for everyone.

Red pony

The 'kid thing' sounds like a spiteful way to describe what ought to be a much loved grandchild.

I find non-involved grandparents very odd

I don't. I've said this before, but when you have sex back in your 20s/30s you are not thinking that the baby that you may produce will have eg 4 sprogs later on in life (possibly MUCH later in life) and then expect you to look after said sprogs.

Grandparents have zero responsibility to grandchildren. If they want a relationship, that's lovely. It should not, however, be an expectation, as you have no choice over becoming a grandparent (or not).

I prefer coffee

That is fine if the gp wants to turn their back on their gc, and can't be bothered to support or care for them in any way, that is their choice, they therefore can not expect any kind of relationship with that child at any time both now or in the future.
It cuts both ways

I'm nowhere near grandparent stage yet,y kids are in primary. But... I don't like looking after babies. Even my nieces and nephews. Once they get to 2.5 I'll have them anytime I'm not at work. No one really noticed because I had small kids of my own when they were babies. I've done a couple of bits of emergency childcare, but I wouldn't actually WANT to look after a baby. If it's my own grandchild I'd do it to help my kid out (as I did on those rare occasions). My kids never took a bottle so I'm no good at that (and as it isn't a famine, wouldn't feed someone else's kid how I fed my own!). Babies pretty much just like their parents.

My kids Nan is the opposite of ops mum. Happy to help for special occasions but isn't going to cover for us working. Given that until very recently all the grandparents were at work, we would only be asking in emergencies anyway, we had 'proper' (ie paid) childcare in place for work.

Yes, it does cut both ways - yes it was my mother's choice not to be an involved grandparent (at all) and not really be around physically or emotionally for me when I was a child. That is part of the reason that she is now estranged. I totally get the reasoning for gp's saying no... of course they need to get on with their own thing/hobbies travel whatever but saying no all the time and in my case not providing any support when I was experiencing pnd (yet suggesting it and perfectly able to accommodate dc) says a lot about a person. I cut my losses and have never regretted it (just wistful about the parent I could have had)

And...I don't think I will ever be a perfect grandparent and I wouldn't want to make a full-time commitment either but I'm going to do my best to have fun with any grandchildren and make sure I give my daughter and their partners/husbands a break from time to time...something I've never had from my own parents and would have appreciated.

Lavender

It is painful and gives a feeling almost of rejection ( after all they are rejecting the most precious thing - your child) I think it is a hard thing to come back from and often the relationship (even strong ones) can be irreparably damaged.
It is a lose lose situation.
Once the dc get older they don't notice anyway and other relationships will fill the gap. It will still hurt, wishful of the lovely support and mother daughter time it could have been.
Those gps will be the ones filling the old people's homes without as much as a visitor. Their selfish actions will have consequences in the end. Karma doesn't discriminate.