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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Could you forgive your sister if...

119 replies

Ninarina · 24/01/2018 14:04

She kissed your husband in a state of drunkenness? Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to see her ever again?

OP posts:

ApproachingATunnel · 24/01/2018 15:31

Not sure. I could maintain relationship but it wouldnt be the same.
Mind you, my sister fucks married men but i leave that to her and her conscience.

YearOfYouRemember · 24/01/2018 15:31

You probably lost the plot too when your mum died. Did you find yourself snogging people other than your dh?

jackstini · 24/01/2018 15:32

I think you need to ask your sister for her side of the story first...
Very difficult if you or anyone else did not see it happen

MrsKoala · 24/01/2018 15:33

It depends. If she was so drunk she didn't really know what she was doing i'd probably take the piss out of her forever more and it would become a family joke. If she had more sinister intent i'd think she had lost her mind.

One of my friends sister gave her boyfriend a blow job in the middle of the night when he went to the loo. They shared a flat and 'bumped into each other' in the hall when he was going for a wee. My friend wasn't happy. Dumped the bloke but forgave the sister. Her sister was a bit like that and basically came on to everyones bloke to prove she could have them. It was a very weird dynamic.

Trinity66 · 24/01/2018 15:34

My sister avtually had an affair with my,[now ex] first husband,
I blame him more than her, she was very young, in fact too young, only 15, and he went on to have many affairs, serial womaniser
I didnt forgive her really

What age was your husband? She was underage like a PP he should have been arrested, i wouldn't hold that against her at 15 years old, that wasn't an affair, that was abuse :/

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 24/01/2018 15:36

hell no

BadTasteFlump · 24/01/2018 15:36

Firstly making you feel like a 'drama queen' is not on. That suggests she's not taking responsibility for her behaviour, wants to minimise it and push the blame for the breakdown in your relationship with her onto you. But it's not your fault, it's hers.

Secondly, bereavement doesn't give her a free pass to treat people badly.

WinnieFosterTether · 24/01/2018 15:36

Who is making you feel like you are in the wrong? I know you think you've provided context but you haven't really. To make a decision on whether to forgive her or not; I'd take into account how drunk she was; if it was in or out of character; if a third party witnessed what happened so I felt confident I was making my decision based on what really happened and not a biased account; what type of kiss; how DSIS reacted afterwards eg was she shocked, apologetic or unrepentant.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/01/2018 15:39

lovemylover
So to summerise - your husband had sex with your 15 year old sister, who was a child and your response was years later to imply you have had consensual and legal sex with her partner. It never occurred to tou that at 15 your child of a sister was abused, taken advantage of, raped, exploited by an older man with some element of power over her.
Fuck, i'm glad you're not my sister. I'll take 's any day over a heartless bitch like you.

Op talk to her, is she sorry? Is she alcoholic? Was she so out of it she had no idea?

hiphopchick · 24/01/2018 15:44

Need more info. (About your DH's reaction.)

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2018 15:48

You need to give more context. Did he push her away or did he kiss her back?

maybebabybee · 24/01/2018 15:50

I blame him more than her, she was very young, in fact too young, only 15, and he went on to have many affairs, serial womaniser

so your ex husband had sex with your sister who was a child and you sought revenge on her years later?

Wow.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/01/2018 15:51

I would definitely ask her round for a chat, no shouting, just honesty and hard facts.
If your DH kissed her back, he'd be gone.
If she has a drink problem, and stuck one on him, I'd be there for her, but definitely make it clear, there had better never, be a next time.
You do need to hear her out first, you'll be better informed.
You were brave to share OP. 💐

Schlimbesserung · 24/01/2018 15:51

My husband hates all of my sisters, so I'd probably feel sorry for him. Her, not so much. Maybe you will want to see her again one day, but for now I think that distance is best. Seeing her now would end badly, especially if she isn't sorry and may be inclined to make herself out to be the wronged party.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 24/01/2018 15:52

In a word...NO!

user1474652148 · 24/01/2018 15:57

Your dh told you which implies he wants to be honest with you and that he dd not encourage it. Otherwise it is unlikely he would tell you and your sister seems to agree with his version.
I think dh needs the benefit of the doubt with some red cards.
Your sister is trying to ruin your marriage and needs to be out of your life. How dare she minimise what happened! This is not the actions of an apologetic person quite the reverse. Toxic.
I had a similar situation my bf dh tried to kiss me on New Year's Eve, it was horrendous and I was so shocked and sickened. I did the same and pushed him away gently and very awkwardly.
I told my dh too, it was embarrassing and so hard. These things do happen, and I would have been heartbroken if my dh blamed me. So I just saying tread carefully, because it may be the truth.

PieAndPumpkins · 24/01/2018 15:59

You seem to suggest that this behaviour isn't entirely out of character for your sister, in which case i'd ditch her. If that isn't what you meant, then depending on the details of what actually happened, then I'd expect to see her extremely embarrassed and apologetic. It's all in the details.

ptumbi · 24/01/2018 16:01

blame him more than her, she was very young, in fact too young, only 15, and he went on to have many affairs, serial womaniser

so your ex husband had sex with RAPED your sister who was a child and you sought revenge on her years later?

Corrected that .

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2018 16:05

Many many many moons ago when I used to drink alcohol. Hardly touch the stuff these days. I used to get drunk and a few times I ended up snogging god knows who. God knows why. And I mean people I really really didn’t fancy at all. As in. Omg no thank you.

I really don’t believe that everyone always kiss others that they would like to kiss sober. When it happened, thank god I came to in time to think wtf are you doing and stopped before I ended up doing something more thank kissing. Alcohol temporarily increases sex drive in women. And for me that was a trigger. Needless to say I don’t drink much these days.

What you do with this, and whether you believe what I say is up to you. Personally I’d be wanting to talk to her and find up what happened and what steps she will take for it not to happen again. If you’re not satisfied, then you’d be right to distance yourself from her.

whiskyowl · 24/01/2018 16:06

It would depend entirely. If she were vulnerable or had MH issues, I would find it easier to forgive than if she were just trying it on.

I wouldn't assume you have the whole story. I am not saying your DH is lying, but it is possible. A classic tactic of those caught cheating is to 'get their story in first'. Talk to your sister and see what she says and then use your judgement.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2018 16:07

Alcohol temporarily increases testosterone in women (I mean)

mrsharrison · 24/01/2018 16:08

If your sister is trying to minimise it and undermine your reaction, then forgiveness is not appropriate.
You should insist on genuine remorse and a promise she won't get drunk around you two again.

I do understand going off the rails after losing mum, i did it. It's down to our loved ones to pull us up when we make these awful mistakes.

maybebabybee · 24/01/2018 16:08

yes ptumbi, that is what I should have written, sorry.

BewareOfDragons · 24/01/2018 16:10

I'm sorry, OP. Losing your mum must have hit you both quite hard. How old were you both when she died?

Your sister clearly has problems and is taking them out on you. I don't know what to advise, but perhaps sit her down and let her know that for you two to have any relationship going forward that she will have to go to counselling to find out why she is acting the way she is. And possibly grief counselling? Did she ever have any?

RainingOutside99 · 24/01/2018 16:14

Hmm... depends on the context, but on the face of it, no. This makes me think about a very good friend of mine who tried to kiss my OH just before we moved away. I didn't really keep in touch, but I wonder if I should have been outraged. I felt felt a bit sorry for her.

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