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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be wary of my friend

90 replies

Humv · 23/01/2018 15:38

I’ve been friends with someone for a long time- she’s recently lost a lot of weight (well deserved and she worked very hard for it) and looks amazing. She is recently divorced, her husband was a nasty piece of work and cheated on her numerous times. She lost a lot of confidence and is gradually getting it back and part of that has been playing the field, enjoying herself etc, which I think is great.

She has recently told me she got drunk and slept with the husband of someone she knows. She wouldn’t call them friends as such but she knows the wife. My AIBU is around whether I should feel worried with her around my husband. Although a friend, she has flirted with an old ex whilst he and I were dating, although this was when we were much younger. I guess my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit as I still have some baby weight to lose and I am aware of how amazing she looks. My husband is incredible, I wouldn’t ever distrust him, it’s more a little wariness of her now as I didn’t think sleeping with a married man was something she would ever do.

Am I being silly and overthinking this?

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 23/01/2018 15:40

No, I wouldn't trust her either.

And whether I trust my husband is a separate issue really, I just wouldn't trust her in general.

Trinity66 · 23/01/2018 15:41

I can understand why you would be more wary of her but if you trust your DH then what can happen except her trying and failing and if that were to happen then I would certainly break contact with her

Hissy · 23/01/2018 15:44

I would not have a friend who fucked other people's husbands as a friend of mine.

windchimesabotage · 23/01/2018 15:46

well i wouldnt bother worrying for yourself if you trust your husband. If she does end up flirting with him then address that at the time. She will only end up humiliating herself and loosing friends if she does that.
Its not anything to worry about on your part... but id be worried as a friend for her. Shes not going to end up very happy if this is how shes going round behaving. Maybe if she does start to behave innapropriately it might be best to just sit down and have a word with her about the worth of attention from married men. Try and make her see that the only attention she will get is from absolute bastards who are willing to disprespect their wives, and is that really what she wants? Is that really a reason for her to feel good about herself?

I wouldnt bring it up unless theres more evidence of it tho.... hopefully it was a case of low self esteem mixed with being ridiculously drunk and she now realises it was a terrible thing to do and has learnt her lesson... do you think that is the case from how she told it to you?

AlwaysPondering · 23/01/2018 15:47

It would make me wary too OP.

Original poster

Humv · 23/01/2018 15:50

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think essentially I agree with not wanting a friend who does that, but she’s been a good friend for so long- I don’t want to lose her in an ideal world.

She did say she was ashamed at it but laughed about it at the same time. I suppose I didn’t really help matters because I didn’t know what to say. Her argument was that she has no obligation to his wife and he should have stopped it going further.

I’m just feeling weird about leaving her alone with my DH when she comes round- I know that’s silly and I do trust him, but there that niggling thought in the back of my mind that if you can sleep with one persons husband you can sleep with anyone’s.

OP posts:

Original poster

Humv · 23/01/2018 15:52

The low self esteem thing definitely comes into it as her ex did a number on her when he left, he really wasn’t a nice person. But, as silly as this might sound, I think she might have too much confidence now she knows she looks really good. Either that or she’s using men who want to sleep with her as some sort of validation.

I appreciate that I trust my DH so shouldn’t worry but it’s not that simple- i’d rather avoid the whole situation if I’m not needlessly worrying.

OP posts:

misscheery · 23/01/2018 15:54

I'd be wary too, OP. And not because I am paranoid or jealous, but because clearly she has no boundaries. Also, I wouldn't really keep her as my friend

ReggaetonLente · 23/01/2018 15:55

I'd let the friendship cool a little. It's not about trusting your DH, it's about the kind of people you want to surround yourself with.

Years ago I had a friend who got off on 'stealing' other people's boyfriends, she once took her top and bra off in front of now DH at our old flat! I dropped her - she made him uncomfortable and showed me massive disrespect.

People change, friendships end, that's life.

retirednow · 23/01/2018 15:59

She's getting back at her husband but shagging other people's husbands is not going to do her any favours, she will lose all her friends and the men involved will just be laughing at her. They are equally to blame. I wouldn't trust her, and if she was a real friend who I valued I would tell her to behave herself and stop ruining other people's marriages just because hers didn't work out.

Hidingtonothing · 23/01/2018 15:59

I would step back. I think your theory on her seeking validation is probably spot on but a lot of people could get hurt in her crossfire while she works through that and I wouldn't want to risk being one of them. See her alone, talk on the phone etc, you don't have to stop being her friend but there's nothing wrong with putting different boundaries on your contact with her if it's what you need to do to feel comfortable.

blueyacht · 23/01/2018 16:01

She's right, she has no obligation to his wife. She didn't marry her, she didn't make her any promises. She can sleep with anyone she likes and it's not your business.

I can't understand why women on here get so het up about women sleeping with married men and talk about them like they're scum. They're not beholden in any way to the wives. They're not breaking any laws.

windchimesabotage · 23/01/2018 16:04

if you really care about then do have a bit of a go at helping her. She really is the one whos going to be hurt by this in the long run. 'Too much confidence' is actually an indicator of self esteem issues. People with good self worth do not pursue men who are taken. Its about trying to make herself feel better like she has won some sort of competition. But you need to remind her that the 'prize' is actually loss of genuine friendships and attention from men who arent worth the air they breathe.

Of course if she keeps saying her behaviour is fine and just a bit of fun, then i would ditch her as a friend. But give her a chance first. This is obv just a reaction to a terrible time shes been thru and hopefully she will get thru it and be a good person again.

peachgreen · 23/01/2018 16:06

I did some pretty terrible things after getting out of an abusive relationship and losing a lot of weight very fast. I honestly went a little bit mad for a while I think - behaving in ways that were totally out of character. (I didn't shag any of my pal's husbands but I certainly was no angel!)

That kind of sudden freedom can be a bit dizzying. I suspect she'll settle down over time, and in the meantime you can still be her friend while making it clear that you don't think that sort of thing is a good idea (for her as much as anyone else!)

Original poster

Humv · 23/01/2018 16:10

blueyacht not sure where anyone has spoken about her like she’s scum? I simply asked a question about whether I should be wary of her around my DH. Plenty of things aren’t breaking the law but it doesn’t mean they’re the right thing to do. As for it being my business, I think if she’s telling me then she’s making it my business.

OP posts:

mamamalt · 23/01/2018 16:10

I actually don’t think it sounds like she has any real confidence at all. People who are truly happy with themselves don’t go around sleeping with other people’s partners. She sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with after her break up. Either try to get her to open up and address these or take a step back. It sounds like it may all end badly and you will be the one who knew and didn’t say anything.

mamamalt · 23/01/2018 16:11

Oops so basically what @windchimesabotage said.

LeCroissant · 23/01/2018 16:16

Well you are totally unreasonable to worry about her being around your husband, unless you think she'll sexually assault him? Either you trust your husband, in which case nothing will happen, or you don't, in which case your marriage is fucked either way.

You're clearly judging her for what she's done. That's your choice but if you can't see past it then you should cool the friendship.

By the way, what's the comment about her 'deserving' the weight loss? How does someone 'deserve' to lose weight?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 23/01/2018 16:17

Two of my friends were inappropriately friendly with one of my ex's. He put them straight right away and really offended one of them. He very bluntly called her out on it and asked what type of friend she was. She never got over his comments.

The same friend was then also inappropriate with the next ex too. He pretended not to pick up on it and took care to not be left alone with her afterwards. She added him to facebook and was trying to chat all the time. She seemed very competitive with me over looks and work. He wasn't anything like her type.

They both had iffy ex's and had been messed around a bit and possibly cheated on. Both times my ex's felt uncomfortable with the behaviour.

I think it was about their self-esteem rather than hurting me. My ex's both put a stop to it - so I'll never know how far they would have taken it. The 'drunk' excuse was used every time.

Original poster

Humv · 23/01/2018 16:17

lecroissant she wanted the weight loss, she worked hard for it, therefore she deserved it. Don’t really get why you don’t understand the comment? It’s like anything else you work hard for and get- well deserved.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 23/01/2018 16:19

I wouldn't be a friend with her anymore, but I also wouldn't be afraid of leaving her around my husband.

LeCroissant · 23/01/2018 16:19

So if she didn't work hard for it she wouldn't deserve it? I think we possibly have two different interpretations of the word.

Anyway apart from that, as I said, you are totally unreasonable to worry about her being around your husband - she's not some sort of sorceress who'll trick him into shagging her with her slim body

blueyacht · 23/01/2018 16:20

@humv There are already several comments that you should ditch her as a friend because of her action, which has had no impact on you.

But what I meant was that more generally on Mumsnet the vitriol reserved for women like your friend is astounding. She got drunk and slept with one person one time. Frankly, most people have done this.

Now you're asking if you should be worried about her around your husband like she's some scarlet woman.

retirednow · 23/01/2018 16:20

I don't think she meant she deserved to lose weight in a negative way, more that she worked hard to lose weight which she is proud of. It may not be against the law to sleep with married men but someone did it to her so she knows what pain it can cause.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2018 16:22

To end a friendship of such long-standing because you can't trust your husband to be faithful is treating her like "scum"

One swallow does not a summer make and one slip does not make her a man-eater.

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