To be wary of my friend

[Humv]

I’ve been friends with someone for a long time- she’s recently lost a lot of weight (well deserved and she worked very hard for it) and looks amazing. She is recently divorced, her husband was a nasty piece of work and cheated on her numerous times. She lost a lot of confidence and is gradually getting it back and part of that has been playing the field, enjoying herself etc, which I think is great.

She has recently told me she got drunk and slept with the husband of someone she knows. She wouldn’t call them friends as such but she knows the wife. My AIBU is around whether I should feel worried with her around my husband. Although a friend, she has flirted with an old ex whilst he and I were dating, although this was when we were much younger. I guess my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit as I still have some baby weight to lose and I am aware of how amazing she looks. My husband is incredible, I wouldn’t ever distrust him, it’s more a little wariness of her now as I didn’t think sleeping with a married man was something she would ever do.

Am I being silly and overthinking this?

I think I'd be more embarrassed for her than anything, if she was hitting on my DH.

I had a toxic friend years ago who was a total flirt around every male in the room. She thought she was gods gift but it was total cringe.

I’m shocked about the amount of people that would feel threatened, do you not trust your dp/dh? It takes 2 people

I don't think it's so much about being threatened. For me anyway, I would want to avoid the whole situation so I could keep the friendship, so I would maybe keep the friend and husband away from each other. OP trusts her husband, she doesn't trust the friend(with good reason).

She’s single, she’s done nothing wrong. Maybe OP is jealous that her friend has lost weight and is having fun being single?

I’m single, I have slept with married men (not always knowing so), I have never chased a married man, you will be surprised how many married men chase single women and tell tales of ‘oh, me and xxxx haven’t shared a bed for years, a man has needs etc...etc...’. I’m sure your friend didn’t chase after him, she was drunk and he probably came on to her, I dont think single women go out looking to shag married me.

I could easily be the friend you describe. I have been single a while after being in a sexless marriage with someone who called me ‘fat’ and constantly told me if I left no one would want me. After I kicked him out I lost weight, got fit and had lots of fun. Your friend doesn’t need support, other than a one off shag with a married man she has done nothing wrong and is just enjoying herself.

I wouldn't trust someone who sleeps with other people's husbands, I'd probably not want to be friends with her. Even if you completely trust your DH, and it sounds like you do, I'd still not want to be around someone who used shagging a married man as a way of boosting her confidence.

Lovemusic33

Married men have been trotting out the same old lines and lies for many a year, it's not a surprise at all how many married men chase single women. Most women, I would think, know the men are chancing their luck. If you fell for the lines then you're very naive.

openthepickles exactly. I’d rather avoid the situation if possible.

lovemusic33 my issue doesn’t lie with being jealous, I was slim before I had my DS and I’ll get there again in time. Even if I don’t, I’m pleased she’s got confidence as like I said her exh took it away from her.

This woman is single. She's not lying to anyone.

I don't believe that people who have affairs are always automatically sheer evil. But I also don't think you can justify having an affair, or knowingly sleeping with a married person, with the 'monogamy is outdated' line.

I would not have a friend who fucked other people's husbands as a friend of mine.

Agree with this. I found out that a friend of mine had form for this and it completely tainted my view of her, needless to say we are no longer friends. I don't even have a husband myself, just hated her morals, or lack thereof.

Do you know the unfaithful husband in this picture, OP? I think he's the one I'd be keeping away from. He sounds like a sleazebag.

Uncertain of where to make everyone aware of this but there's more angst on the way if we don't all write to our MPs about it

evolvepolitics.com/tories-planning-to-hand-private-firms-10-15-year-nhs-contracts-to-stop-labour-from-renationalising/

I personally would lose respect for any friend who knowingly slept with a married man / woman. They may not have made any vows or promises, but they are contributing to a situation that is likely to cause others a lot of pain. I honestly couldn't be friends with someone who had such different values to me.

Whether or not you trust your DH is almost irrelevant - it's whether you want to have a friendship with someone who has such a lack of empathy.

YANBU. I'd be weary, too
. I think she's gone far far far above and beyond her station. Yes well done she's lost a few pounds. However that does not give her the right to shag someone else's husband. She knows what it's like to struggle with confidence and self belief.
Mind you if she did have self belief she would find her own bloke and not pounce on some else's. If shes all of a sudden oh so perfect. Yes that's not nice but then neither is she. However before I lay all the blame on her. This women's husband is the bigger cunt. After all she didn't shag herself.. To be honest they're deserve to each other. When The sweet Lord made them he sure as hell matched them.

I'll shut up and get back in my web.

I’d have an issue with the friendship too to be honest. I prefer my friends to have integrity and I’d back away for a bit until she calms down. She may not be interested in your husband but what about a mutual friends husband? It could cause all kinds of problems.

There are plenty of single men around.

I also hate when people say it’s all on the married person, the single person hasn’t broken any vows. Sorry but if you know someone is married even if they throw themselves at you, you turn them down. If not, you should take a share of the blame. I’ve seen the devastation affairs can do, the single person doesn’t deserve to walk away scott free.

What does your husband think about this, is he in the slightest bit interested in any other women, let alone a drunk friend of yours who is on the pull for revenge.

I would avoid a situation where she was alone with my husband too. Not because I don't trust him, but because it would obviously ruin my friendship forever with her if she tried anything. Given that she sounds rather vulnerable atm, I think I'd try and protect our friendship while she's going through this process of adjustment and discovering who she is, including some behaviour that she may later regret or feel was out of character.

If you do trust your husband then why are you worried? If you think she's going to force herself on him then that's a different matter.

FFS when did people become so judgemental?

It sounds like she’s going a bit crazy on her freedom and after the high she may well come crashing down and need your friendship.

Just tell her how you feel but don’t take your friendship away. Have a heart.

I would not want to be friends with someone who knowingly sleeps with married men. However, if you worry about her round your husband, I think you have bigger worries than your friendship.

Is she coping ok with her divorce?
She knows what having your husband cheat on you feels like, and she's now being that other woman who a husband cheats with. Could she possibly be trying to get "revenge" but taking it out on all the wrong people? Or has she lost her ability to trust and so she's going for casual or unavailable men to try to protect herself? Maybe its a case of proving it WASN'T her that simply wasn't good enough for her husband to be faithful, and that any husband can do it, even the husband of someone she kind of knows?
Her behaviour could be a cry for help, maybe she is trying to prove to herself she's good enough for attention but she feels awful afterwards as she clearly did want stability and commitment and it didn't work out for her?
I appreciate you are worried, i would be too since i have a whole host of insecurities, including my weight/size, but maybe what she really needs is your support rather than you pushing her away. She might not have the confidence you think she does, and even if shesconfident in her looks, she might still be very unconfident about an actual relationship.

I agree with ritamonero- back in the day when I got a boob job, I suddenly changed from an insecure girl to over confident, think-I’m-the-bees-knees and slightly obnoxious! I’m glad my friends put up with me while I was discovering this new side of my persona... but eventually the high subsided and I floated back down to Earth; a little wiser than before and a tad embarrassed at some of my antics!!!

You’re her friend. Give her time and her old self will return. I think it’s hard to accept when people’s behaviour change as it challenges our belief of them as a person and so our trust is rattled. Your own insecurities are playing a part in this as well, so even if she came to your house and was innocently talking to your husband, then your brain would interpret this as flirting. Best just to meet her outside of your husband until either this phase passes or you get a handle on your own insecurities! It’s a better night anyway without your husband being the third wheel!

There is ow and ow - whilst the ow has not promised fidelity to you when the ow is a friend then she has betrayed you as a friend knowing the impact to you of their actions. So I guess the op wants to avoid having to deal with such a betrayal.

The OW who was part and parcel of the demise of my marriage was recently divorced after her H cheated on her. I think in some cases there s a bit of proving something to themselves going on. I had a lot of sympathy for her tbh. She wasn't in a good place.

So, no I wouldn't trust her. It doesn't much matter if you trust your DH, but be prepared for her moral compass to be a bit off.

Thank you to everyone who replied. Just to clarify a few things- I don’t know the husband, they’re family friends of my friend so I’ve never met them. Some posters have said I should trust my husband, underlying issues etc; I honestly do trust him, it’s what a PP said in regards to just wanting to avoid the drama of any situation and what maddening touched on in regards to it being someone she knew.

I thought she was coping better with the divorce, but she may well not be. She’s expressed lots of desire to settle down and get married ASAP so I’m guessing she thinks this could be a way to fall in love. I’ve arranged to see her this weekend, but we’ll go out just us two and I’ll try to get to the bottom of things, see what happens.

I also hate the assumption that because she is now slim and attractive she is a threat to you. The premise is that men are only interested in slim bodies. (The personality is irrelevant)

I object to the idea that you should ditch a female friend because she might tempt your husband. Either you trust him or you don't. It smacks of the Queen Bee at school who only surrounded herself with fat /plain friends so as to avoid all competition. Are we not better than that?

I also agree that sleeping with a man is not illegal - she is not the married one. Such judgement of a woman's sexual behaviour.

If you feel she is threat to your marriage then fine. No-one is under an obligation to be friends with anyone. Poor DH must be protected from temptation.

I see this a very anti-women viewpoint though.

It's not illegal, sixteenapples, but I think most agree that sleeping with a friend's DH does cross a line. She hasn't broken marriage vows, but saying she's completely blameless isn't right either.