To be wary of my friend

[Humv]

I’ve been friends with someone for a long time- she’s recently lost a lot of weight (well deserved and she worked very hard for it) and looks amazing. She is recently divorced, her husband was a nasty piece of work and cheated on her numerous times. She lost a lot of confidence and is gradually getting it back and part of that has been playing the field, enjoying herself etc, which I think is great.

She has recently told me she got drunk and slept with the husband of someone she knows. She wouldn’t call them friends as such but she knows the wife. My AIBU is around whether I should feel worried with her around my husband. Although a friend, she has flirted with an old ex whilst he and I were dating, although this was when we were much younger. I guess my self esteem is taking a bit of a hit as I still have some baby weight to lose and I am aware of how amazing she looks. My husband is incredible, I wouldn’t ever distrust him, it’s more a little wariness of her now as I didn’t think sleeping with a married man was something she would ever do.

Am I being silly and overthinking this?

Maybe you should go more along the lines of telling her to watch out for the husbands who see her as a lonely woman, they can target.

She isn't likely to be alone at your home with your husband, as she is your friend not his, but could help her find someone nice, and then you will have a couple you can go out with. Does your husband have any single male friends you can invite to go out with you all .

She has broken unwritten rules though....of being a decent person.

Don't worry about her being alone with your husband when you are all around.

If she 'bumped' into him on a night out or asked him to come move a heavy box or text him for some reason I would be very suspicious of her motives.

Sigh.

If you have insecurities, your problem is not your friend, but your DH.

Tom Hardy could walk past me naked and purring, and I still wouldn't bat an eyelid because I love my DH. A good man is exactly the same.

To end a friendship of such long-standing because you can't trust your husband to be faithful is treating her like "scum"

She never said she didn't trust her husband though, infact she said the opposite of that, you silly billy

Did she express any regret for her actions? It's certainly cause for concern but people make mistake and if it was a one off I wouldn't be concerned as long as I trusted her and my husband.

I can't understand why women on here get so het up about women sleeping with married men and talk about them like they're scum. They're not beholden in any way to the wives. They're not breaking any laws

What's breaking the law got to do with it? And yes, I think any-one who sleeps with a married person is a bit scummy, male or female. You sound very defensive.

People make far too much fuss about other people's sex lives. Affairs are sometimes a very good thing for all concerned - they call time on a dead or toxic or stagnant relationship and help people move on.
As to your H, OP, either you believe he is as monogamous as you (which may well be the case) and therefore you need to accept that he will not trip over and land with his dick in your friend as soon as you turn your back... or you know that your H is the type to put it about, given the chance. In which case, you have a problem which is nothing to do with your friend.

Laughter can be a way of coping with the embarrassment at her behaviour. I think she does feel ashamed of what she's done, she knows you're judging her so of course she'll feel defensive in response.

I think it probably is a reaction to being hurt by her ex. I've done some things I'm ashamed of in coping with the childhood SA I went through. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, so I no longer cared. Then I came out the other side and I wouldn't dream of doing it anymore.

I think you should be there for your friend, her actions haven't hurt you, and you know you can trust your DH from what you're saying. Her behaviour suggests low self esteem to me, whatever she says.

You sound very defensive.

I just don't understand why people are so obsessed with monogamy. It seems to me to be a construct of the patriarchy and an outdated attempt to establish paternity. Yet Mumsnet are mad for it like it's free ice cream.

And yes, I'd happily sleep with a married man. It's only skin, yeah?

From reading your texts, you seem too wrapped up in this person in general. You’re thinking a lot about her, what she’s doing, her weight loss, how great she thinks she looks, etc. You so want to keep her as a friend. Why? Why? Why?

She flirted with your own ex partner back in the day, she slept with an acquaintance’s husband, she laughed about it and had the attitude that if the husband is willing to fall into her pit she will go for it.

Not sure why you’re agonizing over this. Drop her like a hot rock spewed out of the lava of a volcano. She is not your friend. She is not anybody’s friend. It sounds like she was well matched to her cheating ex; she uses him as a foil with you and others to get sympathy.

Drop her. What this means is, don’t let her in the door. Do not have anything to do with her. Find a friend with integrity. You’re not supposed to have to wonder if you can trust a friend, you know that, right?

I'm in a monogamous relationship, and I agree that it's the two parties who have made a promise of fidelity to each other who are concerned with infidelity in a marriage, and not the other party. There's far too much attention on here towards the OW and her behaviour, and far too little blame on the DH.

Sorry, meant to say reading your posts

*Not sure why you’re agonizing over this. Drop her like a hot rock spewed out of the lava of a volcano. She is not your friend. She is not anybody’s friend. It sounds like she was well matched to her cheating ex; she uses him as a foil with you and others to get sympathy.

Drop her. What this means is, don’t let her in the door. Do not have anything to do with her. Find a friend with integrity. You’re not supposed to have to wonder if you can trust a friend, you know that, right?*

BURN HER! BURN HER! BURN THE WITCH!

You're not being silly. You're saying you trust your husband to be faithful but you don't trust your friend not to try to seduce him. And she's given you good reason not to trust her.

I just don't understand why people are so obsessed with monogamy. It seems to me to be a construct of the patriarchy and an outdated attempt to establish paternity.

I know quite a few people who agree with you. But they are open and honest in their relationships about it. They don't lie and pretend they will be monogamous when they know they've no intention of doing so.

If you don’t trust her that’s fair enough. But if you don’t trust your husband that’s rather sad.

And yes, I'd happily sleep with a married man. It's only skin, yeah?

Oh well that's up to you. Have you got many friends?

I know quite a few people who agree with you. But they are open and honest in their relationships about it. They don't lie and pretend they will be monogamous when they know they've no intention of doing so.

This woman is single. She's not lying to anyone.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I do have my own insecurities, especially around my weight which is why I probably felt the need to mention her weight loss. That and that coincides with when she got confident again.

I’ll have a chat with her to see if I can offer her any support, but I think I’ll also do what a PP suggested and maybe keep the friendship to calls/texts for the time being. I have no doubts at all that my DH would rebuff any attempts from anyone to hit on him but it’s more about trying to avoid the situation happening wherever possible. But you’re right, the issue lies mainly in my own insecurities, something I’ll need to work on.

Have you got many friends?

Absolutely loads! Wouldn't dream of sleeping with their husbands. Too busy texting Tom Hardy to come and help me "move a heavy box" cos that's the way single women trick men into sex apparently

I’m shocked about the amount of people that would feel threatened, do you not trust your dp/dh? It takes 2 people

Yes she was wrong to sleep with some else’s husband (a stupid thing to do) but I’m guessing she didn’t force herself on him?

She’s obviously more confident now and wants to enjoy herself by sleeping around a bit, there are plenty of men out there who are single and up for it so I doubt your dh is at risk of being taken from under your nose.

Wow, do people really think that women who sleep with other people's partners are exiles from police society, and shunned by their sex? That's like something straight out of an early nineteenth century novel.

I've never had an affair, but I have plenty of friends who have. They made mistakes, they are still my friends.

I don’t think what she did was good but it’s a bit of a jump to then distrust her around your husband; just because she got drunk and slept with one married men doesn’t mean she’ll jump every guy in sight and not to be rude but she might not even think your husband is attractive.
Also if I was your husband I’d be a little bit insulted that I wasn’t trusted around someone who is attractive.

*polite society, not police society!

I trusted my ex's to deal with the situations. They told me as soon as things happened.

I kept the friendships going for a while but it did sour the friendships. When the second friend was too flirty with the second ex as well, I stopped bothering with her and went low contact.

They were both fun friends and I miss that but I found the behaviour distasteful and disrespectful.