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AIBU?

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Original poster

I was expecting this, yet still disappointed and upset by it.

110 replies

Stabbytheunicorn · 22/01/2018 15:16

This post is probably outting, but I don't really care.

Today is my birthday. I've worked at my place of work for over 2 years now but my colleagues and I are very much separate from the main building and the other staff that work there. I did however do a brief stint in that building and worked alongside a few of the staff there. Every milestone birthday is celebrated by a buffet lunch for birthday person, which is nice as they don't come around often. I've attended a few over the last few years and there is normally a cake, maybe flowers, definitely a card. The last one was a joint one for two staff, one that started after me and one that had only been there a few weeks. However, today, my milestone birthday I've received nothing. No lunch, no flowers.. not even a card.

The colleagues I work closely with day to day have got me a few little things which is nice, but they didn't have to and really shouldn't be expected to, but did because they knew the main work place wouldn't be bothering.

I just feel so unimportant, so undervalued, so worthless. I wasn't expecting a lunch, I knew that, but not even a bloody card, on a big birthday. I'm trying not to be all snowflakey about it but finding it hard not to take it personally.

AIBU to have hoped for a card at least. Flowers would have been lovely, but not even a card?

BTW, before anyone asks, the people that organise these milestone celebrations knew, 100% knew.

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 23/01/2018 18:40

Similar happened too me this year. Normally I don't like a fuss but like you it was a BIG one.

Usually everyone gathers at lunchtime hush hush be up there by 12.15 banners been put up on the wall, cake and if SMT a glass of something.
I told nothing had been planned.I have been there 25 years.
I just said "Oh don't worry. I wasn't expecting anything." Which I wasn't in a way but thought I wouldn't mind a bit of fuss for once.
Then it was 'Oh we'll do something on Monday. " Hmm I thought that will be forgotten.
Someone must have felt for me because they rushed out and got a cake and I was called out at afternoon break with the kids.They of course were delighted to wish me Happy Birthday.
We sent the kids around with cake for the staff hardly anyone bothered to wish me HB. I felt like shit.I try to get on with everyone,don't gossip, go out of my way to help others, stay back after school and made special cakes for free.
Two friends remembered and bought me a present which was lovely but they always do. I did think the others could have made a bit of effort.
I really feel for you. It still grates,waiting interestedly to see what happens next time.
I did have a lovely time that evening with my family and two friends.
For You Flowers YANBU

mumofblueeyes · 23/01/2018 18:44

Reminds me of the time I attended a 'Maternity Leave' lunch/flowers/card on the same day I was going on adoption leave for my LO. I was also forgotten :(

mumofblueeyes · 23/01/2018 18:44

Happy Birthday by the way xx

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 23/01/2018 19:09

Happy birthday OP!

It really stings when this happens. In my previous firm I was always the one organising lunches, decorating desks, arranging collections, presents, cards and so on. Birthdays, engagements, babies, big work anniversaries and retirements - you name it, I sorted it.

When I left I got next to fuck all. A few bits which had hastily been assembled from the local pound shop and a card which had only been signed by a few people (norm was whole office), because they'd left it until the last minute and hadn't had time to send it round for people to see.

It wasn't the money or about the gifts - it was the complete lack of thought and care, after the years I'd spent taking time over other people. I smiled and said thank you nicely and then cried all the way home. After that I made a conscious decision not to get involved. I don't 'do' big workplace collections anymore now.

LittlePaintBox · 23/01/2018 19:11

Happy Birthday, OP, sorry you were by down by your colleagues. It's horrible when you feel marginalised at work.

Laiste · 23/01/2018 19:17

Happy Birthday OP. I can see why you're miffed.

However

''The colleagues I work closely with day to day have got me a few little things .... because they knew the main work place wouldn't be bothering. ''

Why did they just roll over and let it go? If one of your team was having a milestone birthday would you push for the buffet lunch for them?

MsHopey · 23/01/2018 19:17

I always things it's pretty shitty when it's clear someone is being favoured. If you can't do it for everyone, do it for no one.
I worked for the same company for 2 years, and when i went on maternity I got no card, present or even a goodbye. Everyone knew it was my last shift, they acted like it was nothing. First DC, nor sure if it was relevant, the next week someone left for another job and there was a party, presents, cards and lots of Facebook status' about how much they'll miss them. Gutting for me.

Frazzled50yrold · 23/01/2018 19:23

Could it be related to the poverty most people suffer in January, I know I was shocked to hear I'm not paid until next Monday. I work in a large organization which has merged with another organization in recent years, there's around 1000 employees so that's a lot of birthdays. I notice we're asked to donate to baby presents all the time but no thanks, baby photos, cards etc are ever passed to us. I take birthdays off as the whole party thing makes me cringe. At least your immediate colleagues sound nice and I think the reminders of these only being work colleagues is important to all of us.

FarmerSee · 23/01/2018 19:26

Time for you to stop contributing to whole company birthdays OP. They don't deserve it.

Have your other 'team' colleagues received milestone birthday treats from all the staff in the other building, or have they been missing out too?

SparklyLights · 23/01/2018 19:31

Happy Birthday Flowers and you're not alone with this sort of thing.

When I left on maternity leave for my first baby, I got... nothing. I had an immediate office with three staff in it who I worked very closely with, had a laugh with, shared biscuits with etc. Also there was the wider office (reception staff who I got on well with, colleagues in other teams next door I was friendly with). It was a fairly male-dominated environment but not entirely so and things were organised for other people (birthdays etc) which I always contributed to properly, bought little gifts/cards etc for.

On my last day my colleagues just said "hope it goes well" type thing. Hmm I didn't expect fireworks and dancing horses but I felt sad about not even getting a card. DH said when I got in that day "So did you get a card/flowers/bit of a send-off then?" expecting of course the answer to be yes. I felt a complete no-mates that I had to say No. It was embarrassing Sad

SparklyLights · 23/01/2018 19:33

Cross posts Mrs Hopey I'm with you! Glad I'm not alone (even though sad that someone else had to feel the same).Flowers

Hmmalittlefishy · 23/01/2018 19:37

Happy birthday FlowersCake and most importantly Wine
If you have a close friend at work could you possibly ask them to speak to the organiser and find out what happened and explain you were upset as you see yourself as part of the team.
It may be easier for someone else to find out
Then book a nice lunch out with your friendly colleagues which will be nicer than a few sausage rolls at a buffet

flowery · 23/01/2018 19:38

”My manager is lovely”

Really? Why hasn’t he/she sorted it so that you/others in your immediate team aren’t left out then?

FuzzyCustard · 23/01/2018 19:41

frazzled it really shouldn't matter about "January poverty". Everyone (bar the Queen ) has one birthday a year and it is completely unfair if yours falls in January and everyone thinks it's ok to ignore it. If this happened to me (and yes, my birthday is in January) I would conveniently have "Massive Holiday Expenses" in June and see how they felt about that!

Laiste · 23/01/2018 19:46

sparkly i had the opposite and it felt embarrassing too.

I had DD1 in my very early 20s, i was the oldest in my department at the time. My pregnancy gave me a lot of physical problems (sickness/bleeding/pelvic pain ect) and the other girls women who worked with me were absolute cows to me from the moment i found i was pregnant (at 5 months!). Bitching about 'special treatment' (me being allowed to sit down occasionally, take the lift instead of the stairs on bad days ect), generally treating me as if i was the devil himself just for getting pregnant.

I gave them a hormone fuelled bollocking about it a month or so before i left and told them i'd be glad to see the back of them all!

Imagine my surprise on my last day to be called up to a little paarty to receive cards, presents and flowers from each of them and the most earnest and tearful hugs goodbye from each of the worst offenders! This was not paid for by a company - it was organised by them. I was Hmm, okaaaay, yes, thanks, lovely, goodbye then ... Confused
Grin

swisspookie · 23/01/2018 19:52

Poor you! Very similar happened to me. It made me feel totally rubbish, especially as I’d contributed to two other milestone birthdays a month earlier. I kept telling myself to ‘grow up’ because it is really only another day! Don’t let it spoil your birthday and don’t let bad feelings fester at work. At least some colleagues remembered and marked your special day.

Acrackineverything · 23/01/2018 20:04

I find that some people talk a lot about their upcoming birthday, what they're doing, where they're going etc. I on the other hand don't talk about mine (don't like to be reminded that I'm getting older!) so my birthday tends to be overlooked, or sometimes we have a low key celebration. Is it possible that as well as being in another building these people are dropping huge hints about their birthday for a couple of weeks beforehand so can't possibly be ignored?

So maybe next year as soon as you're back after Christmas start dropping huuuge hints, e.g. "this year I better get a party I felt very unloved on my 21st /40th" whatever! Said with a smile but hopefully will make them make more of an effort to be inclusive.

Happy birthday btw!

B1rdsingarden · 23/01/2018 20:15

Happy Birthday !

Where I have worked if it is your birthday, you buy or bake the cakes and offer them round the office

However, it is not compulsory, so you dont have to buy
Obviously, some people have a birthday when they are not at work eg on holiday or day off

B1rdsingarden · 23/01/2018 20:23

One company I know of gives everyone their birthday off paid :0)

To be taken on a day near if it fell on a day that you were not at work

So not much celebration in the office

dontpanik · 23/01/2018 20:30

Exactly the same happened to me a couple of weeks ago on my milestone birthday. Nothing at all apart from a couple of verbal "Happy birthday". They definitely knew well ahead that it was this particular birthday. Thing is that I work in a separate office from the rest of the team so they might not see me as a team member. Or maybe they don't like me. I have contributed in every birthday, illness, whatever card and money contribution for others. I am slightly disappointed but I don't let it make me too upset

nocoolnamesleft · 23/01/2018 20:39

Of course it isn't NHS. You only get a birthday cake in the NHS if you take it in yourself, to share with the team.

blueshoes · 23/01/2018 20:49

Not in any way excusing the behaviour (which is shitty and all office milestone celebrations would be banned if I had my way) but could it be the main team do not want to set a precedent, especially if there are many people who work on the outer edges like you.

I hate having to sign cards and contribute to things like this and perhaps the organiser was sensing the fatigue.

lulusayshello · 23/01/2018 20:49

Happy birthday!

You are quite right to feel hurt and undervalued. It's mean to celebrate the birthdays of some staff and not others. A card and flowers don't cost much, especially if it's just for milestones and not every year. They are stupid to turn this into something divisive and hurtful when it could be something that would make everyone feel valued.

Look for another job with nicer people and then mention this in your exit interview - in a calm and mature way obvs :)

tinpanali00 · 23/01/2018 20:52

Happy birthday Stabby! Flowers Cake Wine Bear And Flowers Cake Wine Bear for you too Mother. This is the kind of bollocks I helped my kids deal with when they were at primary school. Some people never grow up. I suggest you both look for new jobs with nice people. Or start your own birthday traditions in your little outpost.

tinpanali00 · 23/01/2018 20:57

I've read another page now. I can't believe how many people it happens to.