To be annoyed that my DM won't help me out

[duskmum]

Firstly I'll say I understand there is no obligation for my DM to help look after my DS when I'm at work but it has annoyed me.

When I said I was going back to work for 2 days she made it clear straight away that she would not help at all. Not half a day or full day or 2 days. She knows I struggled, I'm a single mum and childcare costs a fortune. All her friends who have grandchildren look after them when their kids are at work. They were all surprised when she said she wouldn't.

My Dsis last night said how shocked she was that she wouldn't and also said she can't believe she Doesnt really help me much. My DM no commitments and doesn't work. So AIBU to be a bit upset she won't help me.

Mumsnet is definitely not Gransnet. People here are much more strict about what a grandmother should or shouldn't do than they are with mothers. So when women are older with less energy they are expected to look after small children all the hours that the mum requires but never ever disobey the rules that the mum sets down. Every last thing they ever did for their own children as they were growing up is as naught, meaning they deserve to be totally abandoned when illness gets the better of them if they aren't always at the mum's beck and call. And, moreover a grandmother should never ever expressed too much interest in looking after the grandchildren, because that is also a faux pas.

Got that off my chest. Sorry, OP. I do think though that not taking you in when you were escaping from an abusive relationship was appalling.

My DM is the same, despite the fact she had LOADS of help from her own parents when me and siblings were small. It’s frustrating, to say the least!

YANBU. I can totally understand you being upset that she doesn’t want to help you out.

I sadly don’t live close enough to my mum and she has commented that this is a shame as she would love to help me out by looking after DD when I go back to work. She lives closer to my DB and looks after DN about 3 mornings a week so they don’t have to pay for as much childcare.

I think I would mostly be disappointed at her not WANTING to help you out, especially as you are a single parent, but also that she isn’t keen to spend time with her GC on a weekly basis, bonding and having fun.

Granny’s /grandmas etc should not have to look after their own grandchildren while parents working

They have spent their life bringing up you. They don’t need to then spend another 5/10yrs looking after your child /ren

My friend uses her parents a lot. Every day. She is a single parent. Her parents are 60/70 and shattered from doing non stop childcare

As a single parent her and you should be entitled to help towards childcare. Think it’s 70% if the carer is registered

So if a cm charges 100 a day. You would pay 30.

Tho I am sorry your mum didn’t help home you when left an abusive relationship. That’s wrong

Tho maybe she wanted you to be safe and she knew he would go to hers

A refuge he wouldn’t know where you are

YANBU. My DM refused to help with childcare for my 2 children when she only worked part time and she knew that the childcare costs would take more than my salary. We managed somehow and now, 30 years later when she needs my help and support, though I give it because there's nobody else to help her, I still feel cross and resentful that she expects me to do this when she wouldn't help us then. It meant that I had to give up my career (it would have cost me money to go to work) and take a succession of part time antisocial hour jobs (i.e. evening and night working) so her refusal impacted me in a big way.

Would your Dad help you out?

Is there a reason that your Mum might feel annoyed with you for having your DC? Perhaps she hated you ex or thought you had kids too young or something like that?

OP, do you do anything for your parents? I know you must be busy with your DC at the moment but before that did you help them in any way? perhaps they think you should. (Not saying they are right I'm just trying to think about why they aren't offering)

I'm in my 50s and I would definitely not want to commit to looking after grandkids one or two days a week. I would rather do cleaning or gardening. I've raised my DC and I enjoyed it at the time but the thought of looking after little kids again fills me with horror.

I'm not sure how old you are.

But if you were borne when she was 25 and you left home at 22, then your mum will only have had 3 years of not having to do things with a child in the house, it doesn't matter how how old you are, she would still have been doing things for you in the back ground.

It's very unfair to now expect her to give up this freedom to have a life with your DF, just so she can make your life easier. I am sure she loves your DC very much, but you had this child and you knew you would have to take care of the child, just like she did for you. To expect her to make thing easier for you buy having to readjust her life so soon if fair.

If you have an child at 30 your looking at looking at having a school aged child still at home and possible a grandchild around from your first child would you be happy to have no adult child free time in your life so your own child to use you as an unpaid childminder.

OP I can't get past the fact that you had to stay in a refuge because your parents wouldn't have you

Where is your father in all this as well?

I'd be going NC with parents like that!

OP I can't get past the fact that you had to stay in a refuge because your parents wouldn't have you

I wondered if it might be a housing issue. I.e. If the OP moved in with her parents then she wouldn't be able to get social housing and would end up staying for years or maybe they were nervous the ex would come around? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry, but I think you are being totally unreasonable. She may love her grandchild, but that does not mean she wants or has to babysit. You are the one who chose to have this child and the responsibility is all yours.

I can see why you’re disappointed that she doesn’t even want to offer any help at all, but obviously she has no obligation. My mum had 5 kids and no parents nearby; her Mum was disabled anyway, so she loves to help when she can because she knows how hard it is.

A couple of years ago we moved back to. DHs hometown and I said if we moved I would need to have support of MIL if I was moving away from my Mum. But whenever I ask she’s having her hair done, her nails done, going to cinema etc. And can’t possibly rearrange. Pisses me right off.

I was a working single mum too. Never expected my mum to commit to a regular childcare arrangement. She'd brought me up and done her bit. I chose to have them not her.

You should have established this before you had your child, if you were depending on it.

Duskmum, presumably your mother didn't encourage you to be a single mother, why should she be encouraged to care for your child. As for "other people" expressing surprise at your mother's decision, what has it got to do with them. Perhaps they could step up to the mark and help you out.

Yanbu

"My DM refused to help with childcare for my 2 children when she only worked part time and she knew that the childcare costs would take more than my salary. We managed somehow and now, 30 years later when she needs my help and support, though I give it because there's nobody else to help her, I still feel cross and resentful "

So your mum was still working & you still wanted childcare for 2 children from her?

So now that she needs help in her old age, the fact that she brought you up isn't enough, but that she didn't also partly bring up your kids also?

Are you also pissed off with paternal granny for not helping?

Have you posted about this before op? The refuge part sounds familiar. If so, then your mum is never going to have that type of relationship with you and your son and you need to massively lower your expectations to avoid upset. Just remember they set the bar for help from you?

Also remember both your parents refused to help you get out of your abusive relationship which is a shitty and selfish thing to do. But still, not just your mum.

Does your sister have kids?