Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be annoyed that my DM won't help me out

117 replies

duskmum · 21/01/2018 21:33

Firstly I'll say I understand there is no obligation for my DM to help look after my DS when I'm at work but it has annoyed me.

When I said I was going back to work for 2 days she made it clear straight away that she would not help at all. Not half a day or full day or 2 days. She knows I struggled, I'm a single mum and childcare costs a fortune. All her friends who have grandchildren look after them when their kids are at work. They were all surprised when she said she wouldn't.

My Dsis last night said how shocked she was that she wouldn't and also said she can't believe she Doesnt really help me much. My DM no commitments and doesn't work. So AIBU to be a bit upset she won't help me.

OP posts:

Lanaorana2 · 21/01/2018 22:47

If DM isn't BU to refuse to help her DC and DGC, then YANBU to leave her to it when she needs help.

She's set the agenda by herself of how things work in your family; something tells me she won't like it in a few years.

She's missing out, which is sad for you both. Put yourself and DS first, and enjoy your new job. well done, by the way.

Beahun · 21/01/2018 22:48

BackforGood- I only know she's still fit as Op said her DM and DF goes out partying. Not sure if you have read it but Op said her DM doesn't let them to stay with them when she broke up with abusing Ex so she had to go into refuge. I would never let that to happen to my DD even if she's an adult.

Argeles · 21/01/2018 22:50

That’s really unreasonable of her in my opinion.

All due respect to your Mum, but from the way you’ve described her (partying and not working), she sounds a bit selfish and immature. It’s not like she only gets one day off a week and you’ve asked her to look after your children in this time.

Family should always come first in my opinion, and you are still your Mum’s Daughter whether you are an adult or not, so in my opinion she should be helping you.

I wonder if your Mum will expect/need any help from you as she ages?

diddl · 21/01/2018 22:55

"she sounds a bit selfish and immature. "

Perhaps a good thing that she won't be looking after Op's son then?

Surely helping out is stepping in in an emergency, not doing all childcare necessary?

saladdays66 · 21/01/2018 22:56

That’s really unreasonable of her in my opinion.

All due respect to your Mum, but from the way you’ve described her (partying and not working), she sounds a bit selfish and immature

But that’s up to op’s mum. I’d hate if my dc had a child and I was suddenly expected to look after it. If I was happy to, and wanted to, that would be entirely different, but it’s a huge commitment and there may be many reasons why op’s mum doesn't want to. I don’t Think enjoying partying aged 50 makes her immature!!

roomsonfire · 21/01/2018 22:57

hollowtree its to see if I have it. Periods getting heavier and more painful as time goes on and cant take the pill, no fibroids etc, PCOS tests came back as negative so not that. hoping social care can help out with care so I can go do it. got to have my gallbladder out as well soon. Be great if they could take that out AND check to see if it is endo right?

neveradullmoment99 · 21/01/2018 22:58

I'm 50 and still have school age children. My older daughter and her husband are having their first. I would still help out if need be. I would most certainly babysit. I would need to think carefully about committing to anything more than that though as I work and my 2 days off are precious.
My mum always helped me out after she retired at 55. She was always there at my house to be in for my kids or to collect them from school. It was a godsend.
It must be hard for you. I think I would also be upset.

BackforGood · 21/01/2018 22:59

Beahun - her mother and father going partying doesn't mean she is fit enough and energetic enough to look after a baby, or toddler for a full day. I know loads of people who could do one, but not the other (and some who do have the energy to look after grandchildren, but far fewer of them).

The not letting her come 'home' when refuge were needed certainly does seem wrong on the surface - I certainly would let my dc come home if they needed refuge, and, indeed, people who weren't my dc - but that was a fact added later by OP, and not the question she is asking.

GammaDelta · 21/01/2018 23:01

Your first line contradicts rest of your statement.. Good if she did but yabu to expect that she is obliged to do so

Schlimbesserung · 21/01/2018 23:05

My mother made it very clear that she would never look after my children, although she gave up work to look after my sister's son. She has never babysat, taken them for an outing or had them to sleep over. She visits about once a year and she lives three miles away She made no time for them when they were little and could have formed a stronger bond with her. It's too late now.

Now she is all hurt and sad that her older grandchildren choose not to go and see her (and actually has the nerve to accuse me of keeping her grandchildren from her). It is their choice- they could cycle there on their own if they wanted to, but they won't even go when we try to drive them there.

It's not that I felt she owed me anything. It's more that I expected support and perhaps some occasional practical help. Because that's what I see around me and it seems like normal behaviour. I can't imagine seeing my child struggle and not offering to help. I really can't.

frogsoup · 21/01/2018 23:05

One random day here or there, or if you are in a particular pickle for a few weeks, of course she should help out. But one or two days a week, every week?! That is an awful lot to ask and there is no obligation whatsoever for her to do that. She's done her childcare. What happens if she wants to go on holiday, start a course, see friends? I will go to the ends of the earth for my kids but all-day, weekly, year-round commitments when they have their own kids? nope.

Nothomealone · 21/01/2018 23:13

We haven't lived close enough to family to ever have help from them but I do think it is a shame when families don't support each other when they are able to. That said I am guessing that when she needs additional care in older age you are unlikely to do that for her so she will longer term reap what she sows. Try not to let it upset you, some people are better at being part of family than others.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 21/01/2018 23:16

I posted earlier and it seems unreasonable that GPS are expected to look after grandchildren.
However my mother would have taken us in in a heartbeat rather than see me in a refuge.Before I left my Exh she gave me her flat key incase I needed somewhere,I didn't ask.She lives 150 miles away.
Mymother helped without being asked in big things because as she said ,that is what mothers do.
So you are being unreasonable expecting child care but I am so sorry that she didn't help for the big things you could take control.
Do you really want a mother like that caring for your child.

CancerCanFuckOff · 21/01/2018 23:17

Its one thing to help out with GC on an ad hoc basis - illness, hospital appointments that sort of thing, but I wouldn't want to be tied down to having to look after my GC on a set day/time regularly, not because I dont love them or want to see them, but because I've already been tied down with my own four DC and now I am in my 60's it is my time to be able to be spontaneous

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/01/2018 23:25

You might well 'sign up to grandchildren when you have children' (awful soundbite) but that is to love them, not look after them as a regular arrangement.

OP, your mum should be helping you for ad hoc babysitting but I wonder if she worries that if she offers you this, that you'll grab for a bit more and more and before she knows where she is, she'll be pressurised into regular childcare.

If you don't want to jeopardise any grandparent relationship then you'll need to sort out the childcare yourself and make it very clear that there is no expectation placed on your mum for this. She might then relax and offer you the odd babysitting. No, it's not what you want but you can't have what you want so there's no point hankering after it.

I hope your situation improves asap.

notangelinajolie · 21/01/2018 23:31

YABU. You should look after your own children. My mother didn't look after mine and I don't expect to look after my grandchildren. Me and DH are in our 50's and our youngest is still at home (at college). When the time comes and she decides move out we wil be free to do things as a couple again - it will be our time. Time to travel and spend time together. I would not want to start looking after little ones again and my children would not expect me to either.

scaryteacher · 21/01/2018 23:33

If DM isn't BU to refuse to help her DC and DGC, then YANBU to leave her to it when she needs help. So, we just ignore that the OPs Mum gave birth to her, brought her up, helped provide for her, perhaps put bits of her own life on hold as she had kids, and after all that can expect no help when she's older, as she won't commit now?

Why the fuck do we bother having kids then, if we are just going to get kicked in the teeth if we don't carry on facilitating their lives for them when they are adults?

hollowtree · 21/01/2018 23:34

roomsonfire I hope so! Not sure if they can do it all at the same time but it'd be great for you to actually find out so you can get it treated if it's there. Good luck with everything xx

Enidblyton1 · 21/01/2018 23:34

Does your Dsis have children yet? And do you have any other siblings? I ask this because I wonder how many grandchildren your DM is likely to end up with. It's all very well agreeing to look after the first grandchild, but what about the others in the future? A grandparent could easily spend all week looking after grandchildren if they were to be fair to all of their children.

My Pil have always made it clear that they won't give to one grandchild what they can't possibly give to all of them equally. So they will NEVER agree to do a regular childcare slot. However, they are brilliant at being there if we ever have an emergency, or for the odd weekend throughout the year if we have a wedding to attend and can't take the children. I feel they are incredibly supportive, without assuming it is my right to ask them for regular weekly childcare.

So YANBU to wish your DM would help you out on a regular weekly basis, but YWBVVU to expect it.

RubyJack · 21/01/2018 23:42

I work full time in a stressful job.I also look after my grandchildren at weekends and during holidays.
I am a similar age to your mother and find providing childcare twice as exhausting as I did as a young mother.I will always help because I love them but have very little downtime...something I expected to have at my age.

Failingat40 · 21/01/2018 23:45

So your mother has enjoyed a married life at home with two children and not worked a day since she had kids? She's only 50?

I could almost understand if she herself had struggled with being a single parent and needed time now to herself but it doesn't seem like that's the case.

Does she do anything for your sis?

I think it's odd, and selfish of her but she's entitled to refuse. Doesn't make her a nice person for it though.

Yanbu, you are entitled to feel upset.

durgha · 21/01/2018 23:45

I haven't read the full thread OP, but I'd add that my mum has only looked after my 14 year old for an hour (yes, one hour) while the 14 year old was a few months old and I was trying to wean off the breast.(Husband was overseas , so couldn't help out) Sounds dreadful, but my mum had already been looking after my sisters two kids, all gap times in my sisters work,for years, so she might have been fed up by the time I popped one out. I was a bit pissed off at the time, but I can see she has a right to be free of the child care.

scaryteacher · 21/01/2018 23:50

not worked a day since she had kids? Perhaps that should be rephrased as not done a day working out of the home for money, unless kids come in a self cleaning variety that I missed.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 23:54

I've had PND, left an abusive relationship and stayed in a refuge because my DM didn't want to take me and D'S in. So I guess there's more anger behind it than just not helping me out with childcare.

Well there is clearly no point in ever expecting anything from her. Is your dad of the same mind?

Abouttoblow · 21/01/2018 23:58

My brother and I had an amazing childhood and upbringing and I would never have asked my parents to give up their retirement to commit themselves to childcare.
Grandparents should have a fun relationship with their GC. Not be obligated to 1,2,3,4 or 5 days a week of babysitting.
Now and again is fine but having a weekly commitment is a step too far.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.