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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my DM won't help me out

117 replies

duskmum · 21/01/2018 21:33

Firstly I'll say I understand there is no obligation for my DM to help look after my DS when I'm at work but it has annoyed me.

When I said I was going back to work for 2 days she made it clear straight away that she would not help at all. Not half a day or full day or 2 days. She knows I struggled, I'm a single mum and childcare costs a fortune. All her friends who have grandchildren look after them when their kids are at work. They were all surprised when she said she wouldn't.

My Dsis last night said how shocked she was that she wouldn't and also said she can't believe she Doesnt really help me much. My DM no commitments and doesn't work. So AIBU to be a bit upset she won't help me.

OP posts:
Witchend · 21/01/2018 22:19

It's a very different thing taking the children for days out/sleepovers etc and committing to look after them even one day a week.
If you're looking after them regularly then it does effect the relationship, less of a doting grandparent and more of parenting them. If they want a week away, or maybe two, then they have to check with you first etc.

I can see why a loving grandparent might say that they don't want to do it for both of those reasons.

Fitbitironic · 21/01/2018 22:19

When I tell other people my DM doesn't help me with childcare they sound quite surprised
I think you're looking round at those ppl who do have childcare help from their parents and are feeling hard done by. Two days a week, every week is a huge commitment though! Interesting you comment on DM refusing to look after your child, not DF. Does he not have a say? Your DM brought you and dsis up, can't he help?
If your only reasons why she should look after your DC are 1)other gc do it
, and 2)childcare costs a fortune, I'm not surprised she isn't sufficiently motivated.
Tbh I'm a bit surprised you committed to work without sufficiently considering appropriate childcare. It sounds as if you expected her to cover this and are annoyed she hasn't offered.

londonista · 21/01/2018 22:19

Suddenly feeling extremely grateful to my MIL, who never says no to the chance to look after her grandkids. She does school pick up one day a week and looks after them till we get home. She's 80.
She's a crazy bitch and a terrible mother to my husband, but I cannot deny that she is a first-rate grandmother. She just loves spending time with them. They're 9 and 7, so she knows she doesn't have that long till they turn into sullen teenagers.
Sorry OP ... not helping I know!

Beahun · 21/01/2018 22:21

Does your DM helps out for your DS? If she's only 50 years old she's still very young with lots of energy. I never undertsand those DGP who doesn't want to help ou their kids! Just why not? Surely family is the most important things in life not partying and going on holidays.
My DM and my Dstep Dad is literally moaning as they do want to look after my DSD's grandkids but they hardly see them as the Mum is at home with them so no need for childcare.They are very good with the kids.They would have loved to help out for me but I live in a different country.
YANBU

Original poster
duskmum · 21/01/2018 22:21

I would never ask for him to sleep over etc as he isn't a great sleeper. Even when I've been so poorly I had to call DS dad and beg for him to take time off work and look after DS while I had a nap. She wouldn't look after him. I just remember sitting there crying because I needed help.

Luckily he will get free childcare in September so it will be easier.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 21/01/2018 22:23

"Wow, I find the assumption grandparents will do childcare really bizarre." Do you? Because it's extremely common and has been happening since the dawn of humanity.

Vicks30 · 21/01/2018 22:24

As a Mum I would always help my kids if needed. If my daughter comes to me when she is a Mum and asks I will try help her as much as possible. When I had my son back when I was 19 I was planning on leaving my job but my Nan jumped in and was like don’t be stupid, I’m here doing nothing I can look after him so that’s what happened. I went to work 7 hours a day 5 days a week and my Nan looked after him. When we moved house and unfortunately the company I worked for closed down so I was without a job for 3 months. When I went started my new job my mum took over the babysitting duties. When my mum got a new job she looked after my son and had her younger daughter in the day and I look3d after my lil sister and had my boy in the evening when she worked. It suited us well and we still do the same now 9 years on and a my daughter added to the mix.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 22:25

After what you said about the refuge, it seems to me she may perhaps like the kudos of being a grandparent rather more than actually want to be there for her gs. Try to take a step back from the situation. No one adores their gs and lets him stay in a hostel when they have a bed for him mum, surely? I’d struggle to get past that tbh.

londonista · 21/01/2018 22:25

DeadGood ... yep!

Winteriscoming18 · 21/01/2018 22:25

Yabu I’ve been a single parent you get help towards the costs of childcare with tax credit unless of course your a high earner but then that would down to you to fund. It’s not your dm duty to provide childcare for you. It’s nice if she does but she sounds like she doesn’t want to be tied to set days.

gillybeanz · 21/01/2018 22:26

YANBU but maybe she feels like she isn't up to it.
Perhaps she sees her friends with their grandchildren and can see it's not for her.
I can't imagine not offering at least half a day if one of my dc asked (in the future) especially with no commitments.
I don't think it should be expected as it's up to her, but I'd have been upset, not that mine were in a position to help. Sad

Anydaysoon · 21/01/2018 22:29

I’m a grandma in my mid fifties, I still work full-time so couldn’t even contemplate regular minding of my grandchild. I was a single parent when I met my DH and had a big age gap in my children. I have had a child under 16 at home for the last 27 years. It is only now that my DH and I can make spontaneous plans, go away for trips just us two or persue hobbies etc. I do babysit and mind my grandchild at the weekend if needed or have taken AL to help out in an emergency but regular one/ two day a week that’s too much of a commitment . We did house my son his partner and my GC for quite a while though we were lucky to have the space though, not everyone does.

m0therofdragons · 21/01/2018 22:31

@DeadGood I guess in my experience of rl I see it but it's not the norm. Thinking about all my friends only 2 have regular childcare on a weekly basis. Others are either too old or working full time still. Most help during school holidays but not a weekly commitment, but then none of us have local family. Maybe that's why we're all friends?

Wetwashing00 · 21/01/2018 22:31

It’s hardly forcing her to face up to her responsibilities as a parent. Making your child suffer by living in hardship because she can’t afford childcare to work. Whilst you still go out partying?! All it does it make that mum feel even shitter when she’s clearly struggling.
Wether your child is an adult now or not, still your child.
Not every mother plans on being a single mother.
I would still help either one of my children if I was fit/well/unemployed.
If the piss was taken often then that would be spoken about, but it’s clear that the GM is being uncaring and about to hard in her daughter.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 21/01/2018 22:33

You absolutely do not sign up for grandchildren when you have children. Everyone who has children has a responsibility to make provision for those children. Many grandparents will want to help, but it is a big commitment, especially if grandparents are still working themselves.

I babysat my eldest two when we lived nearby, looked after them to help out, collected from school later on, but was still working and it was a massive commitment. As much as anything, it's the knowledge that the children are not yours and you are on alert the whole time, to make sure they're happy, safe etc. Then you have to ensure that you follow parental rules, which isn't always straightforward.

Just look at the number of posts and threads on here about grandparents not being allowed to look after their grandchildren when they really want to.

BackforGood · 21/01/2018 22:35

How do you know her DM still has lots of energy Beahun ? I'm in my 50s and certainly don't have the energy I had when my dc were little.

Also, it's quite possible that the OP's Mum did put their dc first all the time there were dc, and now want to do some things for herself while she is still young and fit enough to be able to travel or take up new hobbies or whatever.

chockaholic72 · 21/01/2018 22:35

Hypothetical answer as my mum died when I was 23 but my mum (who was awesome) made it crystal clear that if I ever had kids, she would not mind them while I went out to work. I remember her saying to me - I'd love to be a grandma, but I'm not being a childminder. She would have babysat the odd evening or weekend day if I was busy but she was determined that she wouldn't do it on a regular weekly basis.

She started work when she was fifteen, and I would have been totally cool with her just enjoying her retirement.

Ponshuspirate · 21/01/2018 22:36

DGMs have worked hard raising their own children. Many have retired from busy jobs and are looking forward to some me time.

Looking after small children is difficult and tiring, especially when you’re older. I totally get why any grandparents do not want to get tied into regular childcare. Give your mum a break OP.

Tringley · 21/01/2018 22:38

Childcare is a job a real actual job. So yes family should help each other out when they can but who the actual fuck thinks they are entitled to have their parents do an actual job for them for free. Fucking hell! That's some right fucking entitlement right there. Utterly shameful.

LadyLapsang · 21/01/2018 22:38

Interesting you judge your mother so harshly but don't mention your father. Surely if they let you go into a refuge it was a joint decision, or perhaps your father was in the driving seat. Pretty old fashioned not to be working at all at 50, is she perhaps caring for elderly parents / PIL (or anticipating she may need to in the near future) or maybe your dad expects your mum to do a lot a home.

saladdays66 · 21/01/2018 22:39

YANBU. When you sign up for kids you sign up for GCs. Im not saying she should have the kids every bloody night while you're out on the razz, but ffs A few days a week to help you while you're out earning an honest living isn't going to hurt her, is it.

Looking after gx a few days a week is a huge ask. People shouldn't Have dc with the expectation that others will look after them.

But, op, you said your mum wouldn’t take you and dc in when you left an abusive relationship - there must be more back story to this.

Why did you expect her to babysit when she hadn’t helped you before?

greendale17 · 21/01/2018 22:40

I've had PND, left an abusive relationship and stayed in a refuge because my DM didn't want to take me and D'S in.

^What did I just read? Your mother is unbelievable!

ciele · 21/01/2018 22:40

This thread is giving me a lot of angst!
I’m not yet a grandma but I have very severe mobility problems. My mum didn’t help at all with my DC yet my grandma looked after me and cousins.
I am not able to look after my own mum who is in a care home.
Life isn’t black and white but I do think if you have children you should take on board the responsibility to look after them, whilst children, not adults, is your own.

Becles · 21/01/2018 22:42

@Onlyoldontheoutside Well said

Cindie943811A · 21/01/2018 22:45

OP does your DM actually like children? Is she hands on with your DS when you visit ?
Although I can understand she might not want to commit to regular childcare I find it hard to understand her refusal to help you out for medical procedures or not to take you in temporarily when you were homeless.
Do you think her attitude might alter when your DS is a bit older and more independent?

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