To be annoyed that my DM won't help me out

[duskmum]

Firstly I'll say I understand there is no obligation for my DM to help look after my DS when I'm at work but it has annoyed me.

When I said I was going back to work for 2 days she made it clear straight away that she would not help at all. Not half a day or full day or 2 days. She knows I struggled, I'm a single mum and childcare costs a fortune. All her friends who have grandchildren look after them when their kids are at work. They were all surprised when she said she wouldn't.

My Dsis last night said how shocked she was that she wouldn't and also said she can't believe she Doesnt really help me much. My DM no commitments and doesn't work. So AIBU to be a bit upset she won't help me.

you're not the only one OP. My mother doesnt help me but helps all my siblings. been nearly 2 years since DC stayed overnight to the point where If Ive needed surgery I've had to opt for locals or turn surgery down because she just wont do it.

I needed explorative surgery for endo. Not a huge recovery time but I'd have needed a night or two in hospital had to turn that down.

currently need minor surgery on my ears. I'm having to opt for a local despite hating anything done on my ears because I she wont help if I go under a GA. i'd need school pick up, dinner cooked for DC and such plus escort for me maybe even overnight care for the one night just for a GA. Had one pre kids and that was day case so home but I wasn't functioning for a good 24 hours.

I'm 50 and the last thing I would want is to commit to child care including any DGC I may have. I love my children and I will love my DGC I just don't want that responsiblity or tie.
I've done my child caring so it's my and DH's time now... it's not selfish to choose how life is for yourself, it is selfish to have children and expect others to care for them.

YAB a bit U , but she does actually have her own life to lead
She’s quite young to be a Grandma ( I’m 58 and hope to have grandchildren one day .. just not soon )
I’m not planning to give up 2 days of my week when I eventually retire to look after GC
[I’m going on a gap year]

TBH if you're going around moaning to us she doesn't childcare I'm hardly surprised she doesn't.

I am years away from having GC. I will be working for at least another 15 years, and frankly, such a commitment would probably be too much at that point. SMall children are exhausting; a lot of 65+ people don't have the energy to chase after toddlers for hours and hours

There's a huge difference in occasional childcare and weekly commitment.

I think YABU. Unless you discussed this with her prior to getting pregnant and she agreed to it then I’m not sure why you expect it.

My mum helps a lot with my ds, but not permanent childcare while I work. I’m a single mum, get no maintenance from my ex, work 3 days a week in a low paid job and I pay my own childcare and so does every other working parent I know.

I think it’s a lovely gesture when GPs volunteer to provide free childcare but it’s not to be expected.

YANBU

I can't imagine that I'd stand by and watch my single mum daughter struggle if I had it it my power to help her out.

^This. Let’s hope your mother doesn’t need your help anytime soon.

I think it is selfish to watch your single daughter struggle to work a measly 2 days a week because you want to ‘live your life’
Having children comes with a life’s worth of caring and responsibility.

YABU.
I think your child is lucky to HAVE a grandmother. My daughter's grandmas both died before she was born.
What's more your parents have no obligation to look after your children. My mother certainly would not have even, if she had been around.

I'm always gobsmacked that on MN so many women feel their mothers should look after their grandchildren for free so that their children can go back to work and the bitterness if they don't.
The reason is their parents don't do anything,therefore have nothing better to do.We should respect our parents and any help they give is a bonus.
What really gets me though is those that say that if they don't help then they had better not expect help themselves when
they need it as they get older.This is just nastiness and with that attitude you really should have worked out your own childcare beforeexpecting parents that you hold in such contempt to look after your childrenThese are
women who brought you up,childcare
was less plentiful so more of them stopped work,went part time for you,put their careers,aspirations on hold.
Get a grip,you chose to have children you should have realised they are yours and come with responsibilities.

london no I don't take the piss. I don't ask much of them at all. She doesn't babysit him either. Like I said when I went counselling for a hour and asked if she could look after him then she said yes but could tell she didn't want to so never asked again.

yellow I obviously don't moan to anyone else about this. It was my sister who brought it up yesterday and said her opinion.

I've had PND, left an abusive relationship and stayed in a refuge because my DM didn't want to take me and D'S in. So I guess there's more anger behind it than just not helping me out with childcare.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect help however I would hope for that help. When I went back to work my Dm looked after ds for two half days (I was working 3 days). Mil wouldn’t help at all despite similar circumstances to my mum. My mum passed away 6 1/2 years ago (ds is nearly 12). He’s still not close to mil and doesn’t want to spend much time alone with her because she doesn’t really take the time with him. So glad my mum got time to build and establish a relationship with ds, albeit was cut far too short

YABVU to expect regular childcare from her. I'm far more surprised when people do go to their parents for childcare, tbh.
I never expected my Mum or Dad to do childcare for us, their parents didn't do it for them, and I'm not expecting to do it for my dc either.
I think that is different from a bit of babysitting, or helping out when you have a medical appointment, etc. - If my dc are local when the time comes, I hope I can help them with that sort of thing, but I'd expect them to sort out childcare whilst at work.

Families are funny things....... having a regular commitment isn't everyone's cup of tea though if she lives near and won't help occasionally that seems a bit harsh - though as others have said, presumably she hopes she won't need any help from you in the future...?

If it's any comfort, my parents told me they weren't going to be my unpaid childcare (and the payment part wasn't the issue) when DD1 came along. Now they are older, they're better albeit they help out in small doses.

Well you've officially been told to "get a grip" OP. So those of you playing MN bingo, take note.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I hope I never want to stop helping my kids out, whether they ask or not.

Not taking you and ds in when you needed a sanctuary was crappy and I can’t understand a parent doing that.

But it doesn’t change the childcare situation. Nice if they offer but there’s no obligation.

roomsonfire oh no I hope you get your surgery for endo, it makes such a huge difference to your life and you'll be exhausted without it!

I think it is selfish to watch your single daughter struggle to work a measly 2 days a week because you want to ‘live your life’
Having children comes with a life’s worth of caring and responsibility

Yes having children comes with a life's worth of caring and responsibilities but the OP is an adult now not a child and is hardly being responsible as she wants free childcare and to just work a couple of days a week. Maybe her parents are trying to get her to face up to the responsibilities of parenthood rather than do it for her.

I don't see why she should feel obliged to do it every single week on a regular basis even for half a day. A lot of people's parents still work and therefore they can't rely on them for childcare anywhere and now the retirement age has risen by a lot this will become more common. It's nice if your DM could help out in an emergency but I don't think she should be obliged to commit herself on a regular basis.

I sympathise with you completely. I understand as others say that you shouldn't expect help but i would still be annoyed.

My mum helps lots and i do pay her (not as much as childcare) but she gave a part time job to help me out so its a little something towards her helping.
However, she is fantastic when the kids are ill, inset days and generally helping when i need help. I'd have been incredibly hurt if she had refused to help so YANBU in my opinion.

OP, I get it. My mum is like this. She lives nearby, hardly sees my children and looked after my son once, before my daughter was born. That was so we could go to a marriage guidance session. We were told ‘you owe me one’. My son wasn’t any bother and was just left by himself so she could read a book. It’s hurtful. Explains a lot about my own childhood though.

When push comes to shove I would help out as much as I can.

I work full time & help my dd who is a single mum as much as I can with childcare (she attends college sometimes in the evening if her little one is poorly, that she can’t get to college during the day)

My dc & gc mean the workd to me.

I totally get and understand that you are disappointed. I am too with my parents and PIL lack of help with our childcare BUT she has no obligation to help you. Little children are very hard work as you know and maybe she feels it’s too much for her.