To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

Eminently sensible to have your own funds.

I cannot subscribe to others saying otherwise really.

No! Wouldn't occur to me. Would feel sad our relationship had come to that.

We have a joint account with all our money in and I do all the online banking dh doesn't even know the passwords...so if anyone cleared it out that would be me

Also if the worst happened couldn't you just use a credit card?

Like if you find out the DH has cheated, instead of doing the ‘pick me dance’ you fuck off to a hotel and leave him to stew. Much better

If I found out dh had cheated he could fuck off to his own hotel after collecting his clothes from the front lawn. I definitely wouldn't need any extra money for that!

I don't have any secret savings or 'running away fund' and I can't think of a single scenario in which I would need one. I think it's a very outdated idea tbh and probably only 'needed' if you're a SAHM with no income or assets in your own name.

Well I think it is sensible. An insurance policy for unforeseen events.

And I will make no apologies for that either. I like to feel secure.

No harm imo in having your own savings for any purpose, be it peace of mind that should the worst happen you've got a nest egg, or just being able to buy something selfish and/or expensive without feeling it's come out of family money.

'If you have no income, where are you getting the money from to fund your secret 'run away from hubz' fund?'

No, not stealing. I had a very well paid career prior to becomign a SAHM, so had significat savings. I have used the majority of these to pay for work on the house, but I have some left. The money isn't secret. It is my 'emergency fund'.

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

If I found out dh had cheated he could fuck off to his own hotel after collecting his clothes from the front lawn. I definitely wouldn't need any extra money for that!

Except you know you cant actually bar him from his own property, right, assuming he's either a joint owner or a named tenant?

"If you have no income, where are you getting the money from to fund your secret 'run away from hubz' fund?

Are you stealing it from your DH? Are you nicking it off family/friends? Are you telling your DH that the shopping cost £40 when it was only £33, and sneaking the £7 in your 'runaway fund"

The SAHP isn't "stealing" if they chose to spend or save some of their share of JOINT money! Jesus Christ! IMO any housewife or SAHP who is expected to not spend a penny beyond groceries is in an abusive controlling relationship anyway so needs to do whatever's necessary to get away.

But generally, SAHMs are not "stealing from their husbands" if they go "off list" and spend or save some money on themselves! Christ !

Well, many women on here do end up having to escape with no money or security....
No woman got in a relationship with a man they thought would beat them ... they change.

I think it’s a good idea

Also I’m not married, and live in DP house ( were 22 and I don’t pay rent in London so a very good deal) and he earns more than me.

We join all money ... except for £100 p/m I put aside: if for whatever reason he left me I would lose my London home, my job as I couldn’t afford rent near here.... so a few grand over time would allow me to get on my feet again.

We have a joint account with all our money in and I do all the online banking dh doesn't even know the passwords...so if anyone cleared it out that would be me

But if he has a bank card and ID he can just go into the branch and do it the old fashioned way, and while you could use a credit card, cash advances start accruing interest from the day of withdrawal and your landlord/ mortgage company probably doesn't take Amex.

I think even with own income, the issue is own assets. Assuming that one partner doesn't earn enough to cover all the household expenses him or herself, it makes sense to have a slush fund to cover that for a few months, either to cover costs of existing home, or to cover setting up a new one.

I've always had savings in my name and my name only.

They're not secret - DP knows how much I have and that they exist. They're my back-up. I had to leave my ex in very bad circumstances and those savings meant I could quit my job and leave our flat and not worry about money for a few months.

We have a joint account for bills and household expenditure but I would never put all my money in a joint account. It's just asking for trouble.

Marriages end after 40 years - I see so many threads on relationships where women are left on their own after 20+ years of marriage and adult children etc. It's always best to be prepared. Just in case.

Of all the risks to worry about dh screwing me over isn't one. Even if we split up he is the fairest most decent person I know I cannot imagine him cackling evilly, draining our joint account and leaving myself and the children he adores totally stuffed.

Really @MagicWillHappen?

What if you come home one night and he's changed the locks and cleared out the joint accounts?

What if he turns abusive and hits you or threatens you?

What if the marriage simply runs it's course and you want to leave?

Having a separate savings account is smart. If you never have to use it, great. I didn't think I'd have to use mine until I found out my ex was married to someone else and had two children I didn't know about it.

Then I bloody well needed access to money and fast. And I was glad I had it in my own name else I'd not have been able to leave him as quickly as I did.

You never think you need it until you do.

Any woman who sets up a secret "runaway fund" should be using that as her wake up call to understand why she has chosen to make herself financially vulnerable.

I think if I felt the need to have a 'runaway' fund it would already be time to runaway.

Of all the risks to worry about dh screwing me over isn't one. Even if we split up he is the fairest most decent person I know I cannot imagine him cackling evilly, draining our joint account and leaving myself and the children he adores totally stuffed

Whereas women who have been fucked over all married the child -catcher and knew exactly what they had coming.....

Do you think anyone thinks that @KERALA1? Do you think people are really marrying men they think are going to fuck them over?

You only have to read relationships to see what happens when relationships end. Women come home to empty homes and emptied bank accounts, or to changed locks, or to the men saying "I'm out" and they move in with Sally from accounts the following week and take the savings with them.

People don't always play nice when they're hurting.

I've always had one of these with dh's blessing, but never called it that. If we ever split up (can't see that happening, but you never know), I will be financially secure (as will he). If we don't, It's in my will to go to him if I die first.

I had one, it was inheritance money from my Nan and it was kept safe in my moms account.

You never think you're going to need it, but you never know when you might. Better safe than sorry.

Of all the risks to worry about dh screwing me over isn't one. Even if we split up he is the fairest most decent person I know I cannot imagine him cackling evilly, draining our joint account and leaving myself and the children he adores totally stuffed

Ha ha ha, I can’t tell you that everyone of us divorced women with nasty exes thought exactly the same as you for most of our marriage

Can tell you, not can’t tell you. In fact this site is often frequented by mistreated women who think exactly the same of their partners.

Really @MagicWillHappen? What if you come home one night and he's changed the locks and cleared out the joint accounts? What if he turns abusive and hits you or threatens you? What if the marriage simply runs it's course and you want to leave?

I've been with dh for 14 years, nearly half of my lifetime.

In all that time, there's never been one hint of prick ish behaviour from him. Not one. We've married, bought a house, had three dc together. We're complete equals in all ways. I could bore you by listing all the ways he's wonderful but there's little point.

I don't for one second feel 'at risk' of those things happening. Good men (good people) don't suddenly flip and turn into complete cunts overnight IME.

@wisteriafloribunba

No, not stealing. I had a very well paid career prior to becomign a SAHM, so had significat savings. I have used the majority of these to pay for work on the house, but I have some left. The money isn't secret. It is my 'emergency fund'.

This is what I and other posters mean about known money becoming family money instead of it staying just your money. I would say the house repair money could or should have come out joint accounts or the known accounts.