To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

Is the idea of a "runaway" fund to a hangover from when women were reliant on men giving them housekeeping money?

I fail to see what extra comfort I'd get from a secret separate fund when all our accounts & income is joint, as are our assets and I work full time. Am I missing something 🤔

You clearly don't read the Relationships forum on here much. If you did you'd see many women scrimping and scraping any old how so they can stash away money in order to fund leaving abusive arseholes.

Not all women work full time. Even professional women working p/t won't earn enough usually to support themselves and children.

In 30 years of being married I've always had my own savings, contributed to a joint account and DH has had his own savings accounts too. We don't even know how much we each have, just roughly.

Yes to the poster who said that a lot of times the other party knowing about the account/money then turns it into "family money" when it really is just your money. Hence the reason why it should be secret. It's to remove the barrier of that person ever trying to convince you to use it to fund something that should be funded either jointly or individually by the person doing the convincing.

It being secret also prevents you from stupidly convincing yourself to use it as "family money". Women almost always put other people first instead of themselves and will screw themselves so many times using up their resources to keep others afloat. For once, pay yourself first and think of yourself first.

My DH knows very well about my savings being my FOF.

Anyone (male or female) who’s financially dependent on someone else should have en emergency account in their sole name, just in case

If you are financially dependent on someone else, whose money are you putting in your hidden account? Not yours. you're basically stealing as well as lying.

You must have shitty relationships if you think that is a good way to behave in one,

Taskmaster missing the point ... Maybe you had savings before you were financially relying on them or maybe you were given £20 to buy yourself a jumper (for instance), surely its your choice to save it and forgo the jumper as once the money is given to you, then its yours. How can that be stealing?

Also if the other partner is happy for their partner to be without independence and funds of their own then maybe the relationship warrants an escape fund.

Some people after 20 30 40 years of marriage dont think their husband or wife will run off and leave them but it happens every day. Relationships dont start out shitty but sure as hell end up shitty.

Not missing the point at all.
If you need to hide money away in case of leaving, just leave. You have a crappy relationship so why stay?

Yes to the poster who said that a lot of times the other party knowing about the account/money then turns it into "family money" when it really is just your money. Hence the reason why it should be secret.

How does the money get into the secret account without you deliberately hiding it from your partner? I can’t see many women being told that it was fine their husband snuck money away and put it in a secret account.

I don’t have a fund but we have pretty separate finances (which always seems to shock some MNs). I have a DD to transfer a small percentage of my salary to DH towards the mortgage & that’s it. I then have my money to do as I please, and some goes into savings etc.

I don’t think it’s indicative of your relationship. It’s sensible, people change.

There's a lot of energy being spent here trying to get people who think a runaway fund (or separate savings account) is fundamentally a "ghastly" idea.

Life is too short. All we can do is hope that none of the people who dismiss the savings account idea end up like one of the many posters here on MN who start a thread going: "he has left me after 20 years for the OW/he doesn't love me any longer and has walked out etc.etc. I had no idea, I thought we were so happy. What will I do? I gave up my career to look after the kids" and so on.

My friend is a divorce lawyer. Some of the behaviour she has witnessed is UNREAL!!

I know someone who did this, and was horrified when I didn't have one.
She was previously in a horrific abusive marriage though. And in her own words she's "safegaurding" herself.
Happily married though. I guess these things stick with you.

Maybe it is relevant. I don't live in UK. Where I am every woman I know has her own savings account in her own name.

Now whether that is secret or not is not an issue to me. Some independence is very rational and intelligent anyway.

And to a pp who said about men having secret (mistress supporting ha ha) stashes, well let us ladies just have a fall back position if worst came to worst and everything is frozen.

I just worry about those that doth protest too much about this.

No one knows what is around the corner, no one.

I have one, I save £50 month in it. DH knows about it, he is not bothered.

Recently I spent most of it as DH is fantastic and I won’t be running away any time soon.

But I do pity women who don’t have the sense to help themselves. If you need to leave, 2k or so is going to make it a bit easier isn’t it? Have choices gives you more control over your life. Why wouldn’t you?

Like if you find out the DH has cheated, instead of doing the ‘pick me dance’ you fuck off to a hotel and leave him to stew. Much better.

The whole point of a "running away fund", is that your partner doesn't know about it, so they won't be hurt by not having knowledge of it. Likewise for them, if they have a savings account that you don't know of you and never find out about, you won't be upset by it. It may seem wrong to some, but there's no harm in looking out for your future, which, let's be honest, may not be as certain as we'd like to think .

I always thought a fuck off find was in case you needed to tell your boss to fuck off.!! We have been saving jointly into ours for this! But I agree a FOF is a good idea.

The whole point of a "running away fund", is that your partner doesn't know about it, so they won't be hurt by not having knowledge of it.

Well, affairs are supposed to be secret but they come out. You can’t justify hiding money based on the fact thaf they’re not supposed to find out and can’t be hurt.

Even I have one. Though mine is more seen as a “if shit falls apart fund” DH has in the past been awful with money, we were evicted from our last rental property, he’s been bankrupt, we’ve had bailiffs at the door, we’ve had no money to eat.

The business has money saved that he knows about and has limited access to, and he knows I try to squirrel money away- but doesn’t necessarily mean he knows what’s there.

I’ll never forget the only time bailiffs have turned up at this house- he stopped paying a driving fine (in making him sound like a catch in this post aren’t i!)
Bailiffs turned up at about 6am one morning.
“We’re looking for Mrhippo” .... I of course felt pissed off at DH, but also felt good I was protecting myself from the situation making me ill, stressed or at risk of losing any of the furniture I paid for... feels good to know that stuff is a bit more stable.

@purpledaisies

Unless he has a secret job, it would be pretty much impossible. All his pay goes directly into the joint account.

You can still be independent with joint finances.

Agree. I really don't understand how people are managing to squirrel this money away without the spouse knowing!

@wysteriafloribunba

Having a separate fund is essential if you DON'T have your own income (because you've given up paid work to raise a family.)

If you have no income, where are you getting the money from to fund your secret 'run away from hubz' fund?

Are you stealing it from your DH? Are you nicking it off family/friends? Are you telling your DH that the shopping cost £40 when it was only £33, and sneaking the £7 in your 'runaway fund?'

It's all very odd.

@Gennz18

I fail to see what extra comfort I'd get from a secret separate fund when all our accounts & income is joint, as are our assets and I work full time. Am I missing something 🤔

Plus I'd be fucking livid if I found out DH was salting away money into a secret running away fund!

This... ^

I seriously think you must have a shit relationship if you even THINK about doing this. Squirrelling away money into a sly account for when you want to fuck off and leave your partner... And I also fail to see why any woman would need to do this in the 21st century.

Is the idea of a "runaway" fund to a hangover from when women were reliant on men giving them housekeeping money?

Maybe so, but surely women should have moved on from this by now. It's 2018, not the 1970's!

If women feel so insecure about their finances and so unsure about their marriage, then get a job FGS!

As I said before, there is nothing inherently wrong with having your own money/account, but keeping it secret is another matter. And I GET that some women have done it to flee abusive relationships, but that is not the case for many women who do it. So why are they doing it then?

@hungryhippo1990

Even I have one. Though mine is more seen as a “if shit falls apart fund” DH has in the past been awful with money, we were evicted from our last rental property, he’s been bankrupt, we’ve had bailiffs at the door, we’ve had no money to eat.

The business has money saved that he knows about and has limited access to, and he knows I try to squirrel money away- but doesn’t necessarily mean he knows what’s there.

WTF? Why are you with this man?!

I'd be totally honest with any potential partners about wanting to have my own personal bank account and savings. If that makes them feel hurt, tough shit. I'd rather protect myself.

But then again I'm not really hung up on the idea of "family money." As long as bills are paid and nobody is going short for anything then what we each choose to spend our money on is our business. I'd be completely happy for any partner of mine to have his own personal accounts - his money that he works for is his to do what he wants with, as is mine.

I work though so obviously SAHP in a different situation would have to have access to some of their partner's money.

I have been worrying financially dependent on DH (immigration stuff). I have had one for the entire relationship. Including a return air ticket for the first few years. DH is utterly wonderful but I think it's madness to put all your eggs into one basket.

Ive got one and I also have jewellery at my parents that I can sell if I need to. You cannot ever rely upon a marriage working out and I've made sure I'm/the children have a financial cushion if we ever need it. It's not much but I'll be able to get a few months' rent from it.

Affairs are completely different to having money of your own in an account. If you've been cheated on, you learn from this and make provision for yourself accordingly.

Affairs are completely different to having money of your own in an account.

Not money of your own, money of your own in a secret account.

I wasn’t comparing the two, only saying thaf you can’t justify having a secret bank account based on the fact it doesn’t hurt anyone if nobody knows.

If you have no income, where are you getting the money from to fund your secret 'run away from hubz' fund?

Are you stealing it from your DH?

Our organisation is that we clearly have no ‘his’ money and ‘my’ money. This was particularly true as a SAHM.
This means that. At money I could have ‘squirrelled away’ wouod never have been stolen from DH because it was never just his in the first place but both his AND mine.
I do hope that anyone who is in a situation where they are a SAHM are in a similar situation.

TBH I’m not sure I see the point of having a secret saving account. But savings at your own name? Of course! And because they wouod be at your name only, no one else wouod be able to touch it.
This sounds very wise, not just in case you want to leave. But also in case, your DH dies unexpectedly for example and you want some access to some money until wills are sorted out etc....

At money I could have ‘squirrelled away’ wouod never have been stolen from DH because it was never just his in the first place but both his AND mine

If you took it from joint money and hid it and lied about it. of course it would be stealing. You cant have all joint money and claim its ok to have a secret stash...because then you don;t have all joint money