To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

Purple,

No rebuttal at all there. You know what you said.

Teabagtits

Hope it works out for you. As you say you are glad you have independent funds. It is a no brainer.

You wrote this...
Better to have your own and do what the heck you want. I would hate to have to account for expenditure on frivolities. And even if it isn't I still do not want to have to explain anything. That goes both ways BTW.

It was obvious to me that you were talking about people who have joint accounts alone. Given your inference skills aren’t up to the standard of my year three pupils, I’ll reword my response for you...

You aren’t listening. On this thread (and the last where this issue came up) many many posters have explicitly said that they don’t have to ask for permission or explain their purchases to their partner. Since you don’t manage your money in a joint account alone, why don’t you listen to those if us that do about how it works?

Purple,

Is is necessary to be so condescending and bitter?

Anyway I will move on and enjoy MN as it should be enjoyed with an exchange of views without silly vitriol.

Tomorrow is another day!

No answer to what gives you the right to tell me I’ve lost my freedom and my identity because I manage my money through a joint account.

No answer to how you know people who only have joint accounts mean you have to ask permission before buying things and justify your purchases even though those if us that manage our money like that say we don’t.

I’m annoyed that you’ve thrown out unfounded nonsense about my freedom, my identity and my independence without any basis at all. I guess it’s easier to call me bitter and disappear than come up with an actual proper response.

Never mind.

My wife is in quite a vulnerable financial position (not currently working and pregnant with our first DC) she's hoping to study in 2-3 years, which i'll support happily.
I do recognise that she needs to feel secure, so without her asking me to all of our savings are in her name only. We have a joint account (that I'm paid into) so she has access to everything. Once bills are paid we but $500 into savings and then we have a small "fun money" allowance each, which is fluid. Ie if one of us needs something we'll either take it from the others fun money with prior discussion or take it out of the savings.
It's very hard for me to understand men that have women dependant on them and have them living off the child benefit or something week to week.

I have a Fuck Off Fund. DH is fully aware of it.

I will be teaching DD to have one too.

jezebel.com/yes-you-should-have-a-fuck-off-fund-in-case-of-life-r-1754026571

My OH and I completely avoid this situation by not having joint bank accounts whatsoever. Rent and household bills come out of his account, and I make sure my share goes in before the payment date, so he doesn't have a shortfall.

Therefore I can run away or do whatever I like, with the money I have saved or have available on credit.

Sorry, but I think having independent savings and access to your own money is crucial.

My DM had a shared account with my father. She went back to work after I was born and one day she came home and the bank account was cleared, all the money from her first wage packet was gone. She was literally left with coppers in her purse. If it wasn't for my grandparents we would have been on the streets. Father had been having an affair of course.

Since then DM has never shared an account with anyone. She has been happily married for 10 years and all their finances are separate.

I believe that anyone is capable of having an affair. I've seen plenty of threads on here that said they never thought it would happen to them but it did. I'm single so not an issue but if I were married then having access to my own independent money would be essential for me.

Although to be fair, I wouldn't keep it a secret. Doesn't need to be "running away money", I just want savings of my own.

I’ve just started one - not because of affair or divorce (although it’s a possibility for sure as I am married) but more because I’m a SAHM and want to have something to fall back on. Mainly Incase DH becomes ill and can’t work and I don’t get employment straight away.

I wonder if the boot was on the other foot, how men would react? Can you think of a man who was dependent on his partner and had no money of his own?

It's all very well having a joint account (we do) but it only takes a minute for one partner to empty it bar £1 and transfer the money elsewhere in their own name, or stuff it under a mattress.

We have a dear friend (male) who came home on day to find his wife- who'd been having an affair- had cleared out most of the furniture in their home and buggered off with OM. Goodness knows what she'd done with their money (we didn't ask) but anything can happen.

Is the idea of a "runaway" fund to a hangover from when women were reliant on men giving them housekeeping money?

I fail to see what extra comfort I'd get from a secret separate fund when all our accounts & income is joint, as are our assets and I work full time. Am I missing something 🤔

Plus I'd be fucking livid if I found out DH was salting away money into a secret running away fund!

Gennz18 but what if something happened to your DH and your joint accounts were frozen pending investigation. Or he were to run off with another woman and clear out your account. Or your joint accounts were hacked and emptied?

Do you seriously not see the benefits of having a separate and in your name only account? It doesn't need to be secret- mine isn't. It's just sensible.

Well I assume he couldn't uplift the house when he buggered off.

If accounts were hacked I don't know why they wouldn't clear out the separate one.

I earn good money and have my own credit card so I wouldn't go hungry.

I can see why some people might see the need for one but in my circs I don't.

Your friend sounds a bit loony. Paranoia is the first word that comes to mind.

I have savings which my husband knows about and I have always (half jokingly) referred to it as my 'runaway fund' in case he ever turns out to be abusive. I've been with him for 25 years and he's never shown any signs of being abusive, but I do think it's essential to maintain some financial independence.

'I fail to see what extra comfort I'd get from a secret separate fund when all our accounts & income is joint, as are our assets and I work full time. Am I missing something'

Hit the nail on the head there. You work full time. In the event of a split, or the death of your partner you have your own income so would be fine.

Having a separate fund is essential if you DON'T have your own income (because you've given up paid work to raise a family). It's fine saying you own half the assets, but assets take time to sell and work takes time to find, especially if it has to fit around school hours.

No one enters marriage expecting it to fail. No one gives up work to raise dcs without assuming their partner will do the paid work while they do the unpaid. However, real life often doesn't go to plan, so it is savvy to protect yourelf.

I learnt this the hard way. I want to bang my head against a wall when I see friends give up all financial security without a backward glance.

No. Neither secret nor do I have my own personal account. Actually, there's a Building Society acc. which is only mine. Think there's £100 in there. We have individual ISAs, of course.

If DH had a secret account then he'd be fucking needing it!

I have access to all of our money. DH is useless at banking so whilst he theoretically has access to it all, he probably doesn't know which banks to use or what the PINs are. His salary is paid into a bank account in my name but he is added as a user.

I feel secure as part of a team and if I felt like I needed a runaway fund, I'd leave DH.

I’ve had one for years. And it came in very handy after 20 years of marriage.
I am teaching my DD to have one too. And it’s a secret.

And I have been known to drum it into my female colleagues/friends.

If your partner knows about it, they become ‘family money’. Which they are not, they’re your insurance, your out of jail card, be it an abusive relationship, a toxic work environment etc.

We’re not talking about stealing money from the joint account to fund gambling, shoes and make up or a shopping/wine habit

We’re talking shit hits the fan situations.
Only if you’ve been on your knees with hurt and despair, let down by the closest to you, only then you’ll understand that your secret stash is the only thing that can give you back a breathing/head space, your dignity, your sleep.
It’s not for boob jobs, it’s for feeding yourself and your children, putting a roof over your head. Without having to depend on anybody.

Yes, the family/marital situation might be all rosy and secure and you might feel it will be like this forever. Till you find yourself berated for your expenses from ‘his account’, ‘his salary’. Till you’re staying in an abusive relationship because you have nowhere else to go, you have no money, not earning enough etc etc etc.

There's a very common misconception that money in a joint account is 50% your's and 50% their's. Actually it 100% belongs to both of you or either of you. Either account holder can legally clear out the account and spend it all. You could probably get half back in a divorce settlement, unless they spent it already, in which case, tough.

A runaway fund isn't just about partners though, is it? It can be to run away from a shitty work situation, from a bad landlord, from abusive family.

My fiance and I have joint finances and separate finances. About 50% of our salary each into the shared spends/saves, and about 50% into personal spends/saves.

Of course it helps (not stealthy, and not a boast), that both of us earn quite a lot more than we need, so it's easy to keep separate savings. I imagine the conversation and line is a lot harder to draw when joint spends run close to your actual family needs.

@thecatsthecats

But that isn't a runaway fund, it's a financial buffer. They're entirely down to a person or groups financial situation and, of course, those in shitty work situations or renting as opposed to owning are likely to be those unable to give themselves that buffer.

We have a good buffer. We live on ~60% of of DH's (anesthetist) and save all of mine (my total is a little more than 60% of H's) but this is completely different to any kind of runaway fund.

I have my own savings account. It's not a runaway fund, but the same principle applies - I want to make sure I have some money saved in case our relationship breaks down. The last thing I'd want to do is move back in with my parents so this is my buffer against having to do that.

I have a FOF and.- more importantly - my 5yo son has one. My life choices were severely limited by growing up in an atmosphere of domestic physical and mental abuse. If I’d had access to a FOF then, I could have had much more choice about what I did when I left school.

My son will have his own money when he comes of age, for him to access just in case I’m not around any more. Not saying my DH won’t be around for him or limit his choices, but I want to plan for all situations, including worst case scenarios. Nothing to stop DH taking a new wife, leaving her his money and my son nothing.