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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL holds onto all the stuff she buys for DS

51 replies

VickyLouT · 21/01/2018 17:22

To be pissed off about the above? I generally have a great relationship with PIL. But MIL likes to ask me what DS would like for Christmas/ birthday gifts, then insists all of his presents from her stay at her home. We live fairly close by (30 mins) and DS stays one evening a week after school for a few hours. I have started making stuff up, as if she gets him a “most wanted” gift he can’t play with it whenever he likes. I put my foot down once over a tea set he was desperate to have, and she made me feel awful for insisting we “take” DS’s gift. She also does this with hand me down clothes from other relatives sent via her. She rifles through the bag and “decides” what clothes my DS can have all of which must stay at hers. We see a lot of PIL so it’s not a rouse to make us see her. It’s just baffling. Anyone have this?

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 21/01/2018 17:25

Yeah it's normal :-) I understand both sides of the argument but sometimes you've got to lose the battle to win the war.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 17:27

I can see why she wants to keep stuff at her house if he's there once a week. You've alreadyfound the solution - dont ask her to buy the "big" stuff, or if shedoes have duplicates (we had a toy garage at home and at grandmas when mine were small. Ditto tea set).

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 17:30

I don’t have that issue, it sounds really annoying.

frasier · 21/01/2018 17:32

Duplicates if you can afford it, no favourite presents at Grandma's if not.

Her loss for putting her pwn needs above her grandson's.

Froggyonaplate · 21/01/2018 17:32

I actually think it's nice to keep stuff there as it makes him feel welcome and comfortable there. One of my grandmas had "their" supply of toys and clothes at her house the other didn't. I much preferred the one who did.
When she asks for present suggestions just ask for stuff that he will enjoy using at her house.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 21/01/2018 17:35

Bonkers. Next time she asks to get something for ds just say there is no point in getting him a nice gift he only sees once a week, and vouchers would be more useful.
I don't see the point in not telling her, ds is bound to slip up and say something about all her gifts staying in her house, then she will be hurt as she will think you've been criticising her behind her back.

nuttyknitter · 21/01/2018 17:36

We have toys for my DGD which stay at ours. However, most of them are charity shop bargains not things she's specifically asked for and if she does take a particular liking to something then she's welcome to take it home with her.

eddiemairswife · 21/01/2018 17:39

The reverse in my case. My daughter 'gave' me toys for when my grandchildren came and I was lumbered with them for years. I still have my grandson's marble run and he's now 21.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 21/01/2018 17:47

I keep some of the things we buy our grandchildren at our house so they have something to do when they are with us. However, if they wanted to take an intem away with them, then of course they can, quite often they decide what's to stay here and what goes back with them. It's a balance really, they can have too much at home and equally we don't want too much here either.

alfagirl73 · 21/01/2018 18:16

While it makes sense for your DS to have some toys he would enjoy at another house that he visits regularly, or keep some items at another house if there is a lack of room at home, he should be able to select a few to have there. Gifts should not come with conditions and it is unfair to give a child a great gift but then place a load of conditions on how he gets to enjoy that gift. Once the gift is given to your DS, it belongs to him and it should then be his choice where that gift is to "live".

Pengggwn · 21/01/2018 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 21/01/2018 18:33

My MIL tried this once, Ds was very upset, she didn't care. Dh had words, this is one of the many reasons Dh cut off contact with her she was very controlling in many ways.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 21/01/2018 18:35

Excellent. For his birthday, he really wants a drum kit.

But if other relatives are sending clothes for him that you don’t receive, talk to the relatives and ask them not to send them through MIL.

JustGettingStarted · 21/01/2018 18:37

My MIL does similar with some things. Fine by me! For example she has a Nintendo gadget at hers. The boys have laptops and a PS4 at home... It's nice to have something special to play with at hers.

I can't abide Lego... But she's happy to keep them for the boys and deal with the millions of little bits. She even keeps their half-constructed projects for their next visit.

Less clutter in our house and the kids have special toys to look forward to when they visit her.

Win-win!

Thistlebelle · 21/01/2018 18:38

How old is your DS? Is he old enough to ask to take his toys home?

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 18:39

I have toys at my house for my DGC. They tend to be toys they're not so fond of, hand-me-downs from others and a few new bits.

Anything given to them as presents are theirs, so they go to their houses.

Anything else would be unkind.

Bluelady · 21/01/2018 18:39

My mum did this. It made the things that were kept there special and because nobody thought it odd my ds was fine with it and never questioned it.

SilenceIsBroken · 21/01/2018 18:40

If it's really his gift he shoukd be able to take it wherever he likes. Weird and controlling.

Start asking for boring stuff like socks and pants.

honeysucklejasmine · 21/01/2018 18:44

My kids have toys at both of their grandparents houses, but they are toys for all visiting grandchildren and do not belong to any child in particular. They always take their gifts home.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/01/2018 18:46

Toys at grandparents are great but bot gifts, no way. You don't buy anyone a gift and then say then can only use it once a week at their house. Try it either your mil's birthday gifts and see how far you get. That aside once the gift is handed over it has fuck all to find with her as she doesn't own so if your dc want it then take it with you.

Either that or next time you recommend something then you buy it too and when she questions it say well you won't aloow him take them home so all presents need to be duplicated. Control freak

frasier · 21/01/2018 18:48

Is it a bribe to get him to visit?

Crumbs1 · 21/01/2018 18:51

I wish my children’s grandparents had bought them presents they wanted regardless of where they were kept. Mine have received a face flannel with peter rabbit on, a secondhand tapas cookery book, the same book (Greyfriars bobby) four years running, a Spike Milligan DVD.

I wish just once the in laws offered to babysit for two hours or so.

The solution is to get her to buy duplicates or less treasured but still nice presents, as suggested. Then count your blessings!

KurriKurri · 21/01/2018 18:53

Well if I had grandchildren I would give them any gifts I bought for birthdays Christmas whatever to keep wherever they wanted, and I would get a supply of toys and games and a few DVDs to have permanently at my house for any visiting children to use and play with. (In fact I have a box of toys for when friends come round with kids)

Don't see much point in buying a gift for a child then keeping it at your house unless they are there pretty much all the time.

Original poster

VickyLouT · 21/01/2018 18:55

Thanks all. Feel a little less mad. I have no issue at all with them having toys and clothes at theirs. They have stacks! It’s the assumption that all gifts will stay at theirs, which seems a bit harsh on DS. (He is 4 btw, so just gets upset) he doesn’t have the skills to deal with MIL! Love the drum kit idea - will hold onto that ha!

OP posts:

Saysomethingnice · 21/01/2018 18:57

Agree toys at mils, lovely... But bit actual gifts!
Yes Mil did this...
If I have gc will go to charity shops.. Baby markets, car boots and get a great selection of toys foe the that will stay at mine. For actual gifts I will hand that gift over... To the recipient who can then do with it what they wish

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