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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL holds onto all the stuff she buys for DS

51 replies

VickyLouT · 21/01/2018 17:22

To be pissed off about the above? I generally have a great relationship with PIL. But MIL likes to ask me what DS would like for Christmas/ birthday gifts, then insists all of his presents from her stay at her home. We live fairly close by (30 mins) and DS stays one evening a week after school for a few hours. I have started making stuff up, as if she gets him a “most wanted” gift he can’t play with it whenever he likes. I put my foot down once over a tea set he was desperate to have, and she made me feel awful for insisting we “take” DS’s gift. She also does this with hand me down clothes from other relatives sent via her. She rifles through the bag and “decides” what clothes my DS can have all of which must stay at hers. We see a lot of PIL so it’s not a rouse to make us see her. It’s just baffling. Anyone have this?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 21/01/2018 18:58

When she asks for present suggestions just ask for stuff that he will enjoy using at her house

Yep - play doh, paint knitting kit, hammer beads, trumpet, drum set, ride on squeaky toys...... lovely long list!

eddiemairswife · 21/01/2018 19:00

My daughter was delighted that I bought paint, glue, glitter, glitter-glue and kept it all at my house.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 19:02

(He is 4 btw, so just gets upset)

And that doesn't bother her?

What does your DH say?

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 19:03

My daughter was delighted that I bought paint, glue, glitter, glitter-glue and kept it all at my house.

Never going to happen!

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 21/01/2018 19:04

I made a rule for all grandparents before dc1 was born: you can buy whatever you like (or not buy if you like) I don't mind. But if it's big or loud then it stays are your house.

It has served me well!

SeaToSki · 21/01/2018 19:06

Dont forget to put messy craft/play stuff on the list of present suggestions for her house. DS then gets to do that stuff, and you dont have to clean up glitter and jiggly eyeball stickers.

Oscillationss · 21/01/2018 19:14

Yep, my mum does this. It's meant that the scooters she bought my boys 3 years ago were used a handful of times as they are now too big for them. She lives over 2 hours away and last time we were there was 6 months ago. She has a bedroom done up for them full of toys in pristine condition as they don't go there often enough to play with them but every time she buys something for them she takes a photo of it in the room and puts it on Facebook. She gets loads of comments about how lucky her grandchildren are to have such a lovely bedroom at granny's house. Five year old DS1 asked if he could take one of the books home and she refused. There's a huge basket of train track DS2 is desperate to play with but she won't let him as it will be too much mess!

InsomniacAnonymous · 21/01/2018 19:16

I suggest you insist on keeping all the presents you buy her for Christmas and birthdays at your house.

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 19:17

That's better than my MIL. There's very little in her house for our DDs so when we visit there's very little for them to do unless we bring stuff with us. It means that we don't go often, and when we do, we don't stay long.

But then, she is in her late 70s and her house is absolutely not child friendly. Retaining presents at her house may nor be a bad idea. It would make it a lot easier to visit her.

Sprinklestar · 21/01/2018 19:17

How odd to give a gift and then demand it back, a gift with conditions isn’t really a gift, is it?

Enidblyton1 · 21/01/2018 19:24

YANBU
My DCs spend a few hours at grandparents each week and love playing with a few boxes of old toys from when I was little or stuff grandparents have found in charity shops etc. Presents would always come home with us to our house.
Ask your Mil what will happen when she has more than 1 grandchild (I'm assuming your DS is the first grandchild). Surely there isn't room in her house for all birthday and Christmas presents for several grandchildren?

JingsMahBucket · 21/01/2018 19:36

and you dont have to clean up glitter and jiggly eyeball stickers.

@SeaToSki this gave me a solid chuckle. Thank you.

quarterpast · 21/01/2018 19:38

My mum did this when I had my first baby. We were living with her at first but when we moved to our own place with DS she insisted on keeping most of his baby toys at her house. I think in her case it was about control and possessiveness though as I have a difficult relationship with her.

GreenTulips · 21/01/2018 20:02

I suggest you insist on keeping all the presents you buy her for Christmas and birthdays at your house

Perfect solution

barefoofdoctor · 21/01/2018 20:07

Yes to PP's suggestion of keeping her presents at yours! As she goes to gather them up 'now what DO you think you are doing with those DMIL? Presents stay at the gift givers house remember?'

BillyAndTheSillies · 21/01/2018 20:16

Both IL's and my parents have DS once or twice a week and it's an unwritten rule that whatever they buy him for Christmas or birthday just stays with them so that he can play with them there, saves schlepping back and forth. Ditto clothes.

GreenTulips · 21/01/2018 20:19

and it's an unwritten rule that whatever they buy him for Christmas or birthday just stays with them

Hope that's applies to you as well

MiaowTheCat · 21/01/2018 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MotherofaSurvivor · 21/01/2018 20:49

Sounds like she's criticising your parenting. My mum did this with clothes she bought my nephew as his mum was a car crash. (Drugs, Neglect etc), so she said "We'll never see them on him again"

MotherofaSurvivor · 21/01/2018 20:51

Crumbs They bought a Tapas cookery book for a child?????? Could one of them have Dementia do you think?

Skittlesandbeer · 21/01/2018 21:11

My DM does this, and it’s totally selfish! She is one of those grandparents who like to look to themselves (and the world) as caring and involved, but actually couldn’t give a crap and hardly ever prioritise the needs of the kid.

She insists on keeping the gift at her town house, then rarely invites DGD over. Never remembers to bring the gift to her holiday house if she hosts DGD. Result? Horrible disappointment for my DD, and toy goes unplayed with or grown out of.

This Xmas she stepped up her game...didn’t even bring the wrapped gift for DGD to open with family. Said ‘you can unwrap it at my place, when you come, it’s marvellous!’. Then knocked back the 3 dates we were hoping she could babysit across jan/feb.

Icing on the cake is that I know the gift is a kids video camera thingie that DD especially wanted to create youtube kids content. Not only does DD not get to see or touch the toy for months, DM doesn’t have the cables or ability to upload the vids. Complete waste of money (and a good gift idea that Santa could’ve brought) as usual.

I understand your annoyance.

starfishmummy · 21/01/2018 21:14

We had this with mil. It came to a head one day when she had bought ds a football card album and he wanted to bring it home to put the rest of his cards in. She said no and said he could take the other cards round to hers. Even though he has SN he knew that not only would he not have the cards to play with at home, but that mil had a habit of buying him something, that was played with once and then she'd get rid of it. I totally backed him up that his beloved cards were not going to mils!! I was right as the album was never seen again.

MotherofaSurvivor · 27/01/2018 00:45

@starfishmummy Omg! That's so cruel! Have you ever confronted her about why she does this?

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2018 00:55

Skittlesandbeer

Why don't you buy the gift your DC want and if your mother wants to duplicate them, that's her problem.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/01/2018 00:55

Drum kits pottery wheels paint spinners.

That’s what he wants next occasion

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