Daughter ‘Gone for a walk’, talk me off the ledge. Please

[ConciseandNice]

My ten year old wanted to go out for a walk. I argued with her about it. I was worrying and realised I was stopping her doing something her brothers did. I let her go. Twenty minutes in, I’m sat here freaking out. My chest is thumping. I was raped when I was walking home from school when I was 12 and I know this is effecting how I’m now treating her. I realise this. I want to stop being an asshole. I’m just so worried. I know aibu, but it’ll be ok right? She’ll be ok? Later, should I talk to her about what happened to me? Should I tell her I know I’m being irrational but that’s why? What do I do. Typing this is stopping me from hyperventilating.

I don't think you should talk to her about what happened to you, though I think she needs to learn about how to (try to) be safe outside the house.

Where has she gone to?

How long did she say she’d be gone for? Is there anything you can get done housework wise to try to busy yourself? I’m sorry I’m probably not helping.

I don’t know. She said she was walking into town. It’s a quiet town, we’re about 15 minutes walk from centre. She just wanted to get out of house butvrefused to go to park or call on friends.

Does she have a phone? Would it be worth making a plan in future having her check in with you every 30 minutes or something?

You know that she'll be OK, take some deep breaths, make yourself a hot drink. She will be back before you know it.

Try not to be angry with her when she gets home, and then talk to her about safety later on when you're feeling calm.

I used to go out on my bike or roller skates for hours at a time at that age.

I don't think you're being irrational to be honest, 10 is a little young to be walking out of the house to clear her head, IMO.

Hope she's back soon.

She'll be fine. It's understandable that you're anxious, though. Maybe once she's back you can have a chat about safety, what to do in various scenarios etc.

Thank you all so much. When I was a kid I was always out and about at that age on my bike etc. I know I’m just not thinking straight. You think you’re over something and have dear with it and then it bites you in the ass 30 years later. 😪

You should definitely let her go for a walk - you obviously feel she is sensible to go by herself. Maybe just have a few rules in place. Be clear where she’s going, how long she will be and when she’ll be back. I agree that you shouldn’t let her know why you feel the way you do. And you’re not an asshole. You have every right to feel anxious and worried though

She doesn’t have a phone. Her dad didn’t think she should have one. I think we’re going to have to get her one.

Thank you.

Yes she is sensible. I trust her. It’s others I don’t. I feel like a total arse.

Get her a phone and don’t tell her about how you feel , you will possibly turn her into a nervous wreck when there is no reason for her to be one . She’s only a year away from being at secondary school which is a time that most children start getting themselves to and from school if they haven’t done so already .

Hi, OP. I know it's hard not to imagine all sorts of scary scenarios right now, but it sounds like you live in a pretty quiet place. She's going to be ok.

My mom was assaulted at a young age, too, and it really impacted my upbringing. I learned early on not to ask to go anywhere without full adult supervision because the city was a bad place full of dangerous people.

I'm not saying this to be mean or goady IN ANY WAY! My mum did her best in the days before child counselling was available. My point, however muddled, is that this might be a good launching off point to speak to somebody qualified about your feelings.

I suggest you get a simple pay as you go non-smart phone for times like this. I'm sure your DP will understand.
My DDs didn't have phones until they started walking backwards and forwards to secondary school.

They were allowed into town but only with friends, never alone and with strict times to be back.

I'd get her a phone. People moan about DCs with electronics, but we can track where DS is using the phone feature.

I would also get her simple phone for times like this, with strict instructions that she must answer it if you call her! (I have a now 16 year old who used to ignore my calls when younger - if with friends).

For me, 10 is a bit young still to be going in to town without you. Round the block at home yes, but not much farther than that really.

TBH I think your fear is pushing you to be too free (for fear of being to restricting)

My 10 year old boy goes out, but only close by where I can see him (nearby park visible from the house).

He would not be going to town alone and won't be for a few years. To begin with, he'll go with others.

He never goes out without an arrangement for how long to stay out.

I should rethink for another time.

Sending you a hug x

You've done the right thing, she'll be fine.

He will go to high school without me, but will be with others doing the same journey.

He has a PAYG phone that is used only for when he's out.

My DD is 9 op and regularly walks to the shops near where we live.

It's a five minute walk here. You've got to release them at some point.

Sorry op but I think 10 is too young to just 'go for a walk' in an open ended way.

My eldest is nearly 10 and allowed to walk to/from a fair few places now but I always know where he's going and how long for.

I understand, OP. I'm an SA survivor and I think I'll be very anxious when my DDs start going out on their own without an adult supervising. But my concern would be more about cars than sexual assault, I was hurt by my father and others, ie it wasn't about 'stranger danger'. So play dates and sleepovers are more of a concern for me.

I wouldn't tell you about why you worry about her; as far as possible don't show yourself to be worried, just teach her to stay safe. Have you ever had therapy to help you come to terms with what happened? CBT might help with your anxiety as well.

for you, OP. Having children does trigger painful memories when you went through childhood trauma.

Go out with her when she's back and go and get her a new phone. My just 11 year old boy has an old iPhone 5 and it is logged into my iTunes account. So I can see exactly where he is at any time on findmyiphone. Its not stalking, its being safe.

I have a 10yo son and I wouldn't let him just go for a walk by himself at this age. Partly because he's a bit of a daydreamer and I don't yet trust him to get himself safely across the road, but also because I think he's too young. I'd let him go somewhere with a definite endpoint, maybe - but there's still the road-crossing situation so not just yet.

I have to agree with the poster who said that it's possible that, in an effort to not be too restrictive, you maybe have given her a bit too much freedom.

There's lots of self defence classes about for girls/teens

Why not suggest she does one?