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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter ‘Gone for a walk’, talk me off the ledge. Please

104 replies

ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 13:47

My ten year old wanted to go out for a walk. I argued with her about it. I was worrying and realised I was stopping her doing something her brothers did. I let her go. Twenty minutes in, I’m sat here freaking out. My chest is thumping. I was raped when I was walking home from school when I was 12 and I know this is effecting how I’m now treating her. I realise this. I want to stop being an asshole. I’m just so worried. I know aibu, but it’ll be ok right? She’ll be ok? Later, should I talk to her about what happened to me? Should I tell her I know I’m being irrational but that’s why? What do I do. Typing this is stopping me from hyperventilating.

OP posts:
MissP103 · 20/01/2018 17:31

Op I wouldn't have let my 10yo walk around alone. She didnt have a phone. How did you honestly think you could contact her?? Or if she ran into trouble how would she have gotten a hold of you or dh ?? I think it was irresponsible to just let her go with no means of contacting each other.

singingdetective · 20/01/2018 18:16

No wonder there are so many teenagers/young adults unable to function on their own if this thread is anything to go by.

OP, you know yourself if she is responsible enough to be let out on her own. Maybe lay down some rules about it for your own peace of mind but giving her a little bit of independence if you feel she is ready for it is in no way "irrespsonsible".

Popfan · 20/01/2018 21:35

Really sorry to hear about what happened to youFlowers
I am though surprised by all the posters who think 10 is fine to go out alone. There's no way my 10 year old ds would be allowed out anywhere without an adult. I just think it's too young.

Jux · 20/01/2018 22:19

I hope she enjoyed her walk - the first of manyI

I'm sorry about your experience, and it's not surprising you were freaked out. Well done for holding back and letting her go.

Tistheseason17 · 20/01/2018 22:23

I think children are all different.
What may be fine for one 10yr old may not be ok for another.
FWIW OP, I'm you g to find cotton wool for my DC and never let them out (Just kidding). But for me 10 is too young for a 15 min walk into town solo.

StaplesCorner · 20/01/2018 22:45

No wonder there are so many teenagers/young adults unable to function on their own if this thread is anything to go by - Singing Detective - and all their mothers were raped at the age of 12 when out walking alone - is that right?

dontbesillyhenry · 20/01/2018 22:47

Popfan seriously? Not to the local shop? The park? Playing out?

StaplesCorner · 20/01/2018 22:48

I'm utterly confused by the lack of cognition on this thread of how amazing and brave the OP has been to put the attack behind her, have a successful relationship and bring kids into the world and be a great, loving mum who is trying to do her best. Some posters here literally have no fucking clue.

JaneyEJones · 20/01/2018 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicWillHappen · 21/01/2018 00:54

One thing I seem to disagree with the majority on is the matter of dc having a mobile to go out.

Ds1 is nearly 10 and recently started being allowed to go to the shop/his friend's house and a couple of other close places.

I purposely don't want him to have a phone on these outings

Have you seen the majority of kids when you put an electronic device in their hands? They zone out, totally. Every kid I know does it. The very last thing I want is for the temptation to get too much and ds to be texting/looking at a phone when he's crossing a road and should be looking around him, making sure he's safe.

Roads are too dangerous, phones too tempting and distracting. I know which I think is the greater danger when sending a 10 year old on a 5 minute walk...the roads he should be concentrating on.

Petalflowers · 21/01/2018 03:10

I used to live in an area with lower, middle and upper schools. Kids always walked themselves to school when they moved up to middle school. This was year 5, so aged 9 years old.

TheMaddHugger · 21/01/2018 03:24

(((((((Hugs)))))) OP.🌷💜🌺🌷💜🌺🌷💜🌺

AndTheLittleOneSaid · 21/01/2018 07:20

When I was 10 my mother had no clue where I was for most of the day (and I don't even think she cared). My friend and I used to walk along a dangerous sea wall for fun...or get the train (hiding in the toilet) to the nearest city where we tried shoplifting, for fun! I got caught stealing a tiny bottle of scented oil and thought I'd be sent to prison..and that was the last time I tried stealing anything. They didn't contact my parents but I had nightmares about it for weeks. Anyhow, despite my own childhood freedom (neglect if I'm honest) I don't think I"ll be giving my almost 10-year-old the same priviledge. For a start, she has no concept of time. Secondly, she never looks left/right when crossing a road (though I tell her to EVERY time we are out). Her school is a 4 minute walk from our house and from next September she is allowed (by school) to walk by herself. No way would I let her, what with the crazy morning traffic. It is clearly very dependent on an individual child's maturity etc, but knowing the 10-year-olds (boys and girls) at my daughter's school I'd say 80% aren't ready to be out on their own. So what I'm trying to say OP is that you need to judge it on your dd's maturity and safety consciousness.

Did you ever get counselling? What a horrendous thing to happen to a little girl. Big hugs!

Rebeccaslicker · 21/01/2018 08:38

OP - your language is very hard on yourself. YANBU to ask for support in giving her a bit of independence and ideas on how to do that - but you're just a concerned mother who went through something traumatic and horrific herself. Be kind to yourself too Flowers

Popfan · 21/01/2018 09:33

dontbesillyhenry - nope. None of his friends are allowed either. He's never asked to and I'm certainly not going to offer. I don't understand what the rush is to let them out on their own? He's still y5 so no worries yet about secondary school etc

5plusMeAndHim · 21/01/2018 09:51

I think this is why we have so many teens suffering from anxiety.You are sending your kid
the message that the world is as big scary place.You need to star gradually building independence in an age appropriate way eg at 7 walking to the post box, at 8 to a nearby playground, at 10 walking to school.
You are putting your own peace of mind before your child,s healthy development

BakedBeans47 · 21/01/2018 09:58

OP glad all is OKx

My son is 11 and I’ve let him do things like walk/cycle to the shops for a year or so now. He has a phone. I was walking to and from school much younger than that. It’s hard to let them grow up but it has to be done. I agree with those who have said things are no more dangerous than when we were young I remember cases like Susan Maxwell and Sarah Harper and these kind of horrific incidents are no more common now than then.

formerbabe · 21/01/2018 10:01

I am though surprised by all the posters who think 10 is fine to go out alone. There's no way my 10 year old ds would be allowed out anywhere without an adult. I just think it's too young

I'm the same. My ds is nearly ten...no way would he be going for a walk alone.

rookiemere · 21/01/2018 10:28

There's a bit of a difference between a 10 year old walking home from the bus stop or to the shop with friends, than going for a walk on their own to an undecided destination for an unspecified length of time.

Oh and miraculously DS knows that when he is walking/cycling he should not be looking at his screen, but focusing on his surroundings - miraculously his friends seem to know this as well.

5plusMeAndHim · 21/01/2018 10:40

I'm utterly confused by the lack of cognition on this thread of how amazing and brave the OP has been to put the attack behind her, have a successful relationship and bring kids into the world and be a great, loving mum who is trying to do her best. Some posters here literally have no fucking clue

The OP didn't ask if she was a marvellous mum, she asked a different question which people are answering.

formerbabe · 21/01/2018 11:00

There's a bit of a difference between a 10 year old walking home from the bus stop or to the shop with friends, than going for a walk on their own to an undecided destination for an unspecified length of time

Yes I agree. Once my dc start going out by themselves, I'll initially expect them to have an end destination, an ETA, a way to contact home if needs be... basically a plan! Going for a walk seems a bit aimless.

Therealyellowwiggle · 21/01/2018 11:06

5plus you don’t know too much about the development of children re road safety if you think 7 is the right age to tell people to send them out alone. Blanket ages take no account of where someone lives, the type of roads (and people) around them, the number of pavement cyclists etc.
On paper our post box is one small street to cross - in practice it’s on a blind corner and the small street is used as a rat run by commuters. My ten year old told me he’d used the zebra crossing to get over - there is no zebra crossing. So he merrily crosses on some white lines marking a speed bump thinking the cars would stop for him.

JustDanceAddict · 21/01/2018 11:08

Glad she’s back. However, 10 is young to start doing this. Work up slowly. We did, at that age, walk to bottom of road (out of sight of me) and back while I wait at top. Then (as we had moved nearer), DS would walk to school/back which involved no roads (this is what scared me) in year 6. DD did her first solo walk pre-secondary to a coffee shop to meet a friend, told her to text when there and she didn’t so dh drove round to check she was there! All has been fine so far re independent travelling and they are early/mid-teens now. DS at 13 will do public transport, London Underground (out of centre) on his own. I was also SA at 14 on way back from school (thankfully not raped though), but have never told DCs as see nothing good will come of that. Just make them aware of dangers that can occur - I’m more nervous of traffic than anything and tell them they need to hand any possessions over if they’re mugged.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 21/01/2018 11:12

Has she got a mobile? I used to go and buy my DGM's fags younger than that Hmm. DD's 10 and I'd love her to have the confidence to walk to our local playscheme by herself.

She'll be absolutely fine. 😊

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 11:16

I think i'd need to know she is at a specific place and with someone else. I'd be uneasy on their own at that age.

Also safety advice about what to do if she is followed/talked to etc.

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