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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter ‘Gone for a walk’, talk me off the ledge. Please

104 replies

ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 13:47

My ten year old wanted to go out for a walk. I argued with her about it. I was worrying and realised I was stopping her doing something her brothers did. I let her go. Twenty minutes in, I’m sat here freaking out. My chest is thumping. I was raped when I was walking home from school when I was 12 and I know this is effecting how I’m now treating her. I realise this. I want to stop being an asshole. I’m just so worried. I know aibu, but it’ll be ok right? She’ll be ok? Later, should I talk to her about what happened to me? Should I tell her I know I’m being irrational but that’s why? What do I do. Typing this is stopping me from hyperventilating.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/01/2018 14:22

It’s nonsense to say she’s too young to go out of the house on her own. Other than more cars on the road the world is not any less safe than when we were kids, out & about on bikes, scooters, roller skates etc. The OP lets her bits do this, so clearly it’s not an unsafe area. As for ‘going into town’ the op has said ‘it’s a quiet little town’ it’s not a major city centre.

concise I wouldn’t tell her what happened to you though. What I have done is generally talk about things that have been in the news, about how people who aren’t very nice try to get children to help them find their lost puppy etc because they want to get the children to go into the woods/car/house or whatever & what they should say & do in those situations. It’s never been ‘one big talk’ just a drip drip drip about the ways people (adults too) are manipulated and sometimes hurt. They’re not scared of strangers or unhelpful, but at the same time they’re quite wise to ‘tricks’ and know where to go & what to do if they need to get help for themselves or others.

negomi90 · 20/01/2018 14:23

Be proud of yourself for raising an articulate child who feels safe enough to argue you with things that her unjust (doing things her brothers were allowed to do).
Then when she gets back have a conversation about basic safety (without going into details about what happened to you) and set some boundaries - eg saying where she's going and how long she thinks she'll be gone for. Then get her a phone so that if her plans change/she's running late she can (and will be expected to) call you.

BuzzKillington · 20/01/2018 14:23

I am sure she is OK, but I wouldn't let a 10 year old do this alone. Far too young, imo.

mumeeee · 20/01/2018 14:23

I would say 10 is a bit too young to be walking into town which is 15 minutes away. My DDs did go to the park and local shops about 5 minutes away and always had a time to be home. Think they were about 13 when they started going to town.
However your 10 year old said she was walking into town and she will be fine.
How old are her brothers?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 20/01/2018 14:24

I hope she's back by now OP
I think getting her a phone is a good idea.
I wouldn't have let her but that is because there is a man assaulting girls and women where I live.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/01/2018 14:24

Bloody iPad. Clearly she doesn’t let her ‘bits’ do this...😳. BOYS! Not bits!

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2018 14:26

The town is full of 98% good people
Send her for self defence classes
Tell her to walk with attitude
Remind her not to use her phone when walking - when you get her one so you can track her
Be kind to yourself
Don’t tell her what happened to you

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/01/2018 14:28

I’d get a small, boring, phone. Cheap as chips, nothing to tempt anyone into stealing it off her and nothing to interest her playing on it, and not ‘for her’, just for when someone in the house needs it.

DailyMailareDicks · 20/01/2018 14:30

Really sorry about what happened to you OP. Please don't get her a phone!! I was violently attacked at a bus station for my phone as a teenager. Please don't make her a target by putting something valuable in her hands.

There are child friendly products you can buy on Amazon that allow you to see where she is using GPS and some have a panic button that will send a pre worded text to a list of numbers you program in. Take a look at that, let her use a tablet at home to keep up with friends on social media when that becomes an issue/need and try to avoid a phone for as long as you can.

Mousewatch · 20/01/2018 14:31

I wouldn't have let her go without a phone.

Has she got a watch? What time did you tell her to be home?

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 14:32

It would be better to allow her to go somewhere, like the park, with a couple of school friends. That would be safer than allowing her to go out on her own for an indeterminate time.

rookiemere · 20/01/2018 14:32

Actually I don't think you're being that irrational. I wouldn't let DS out when he was 10 on his own for a 20 minute walk without a friend or a phone, particularly if he was a bit worked up about something.

Hopefully she's back now. I would explain that you need to know where she's going and how long she'll be gone for and that you're going to get her a phone. Now's the right age for her to start exploring her independence but going off for a long walk in a strop on her own is not the way to do it.

Original poster
ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 14:33

My husband went out to find her. They just got back. I think he could see my thousand yard stare. So many helpful and kind responses. Thank you so so much. My sons are much older and we lived somewhere else when they were that age and I think partly I just don’t know this place or feel safe here. I will get her a cheap phone for my own piece of mind. I can’t and won’t stop her doing things. I need to conquer my fears not make her afraid. You’ve all been so helpful. I am very grateful. Really.

OP posts:
DailyMailareDicks · 20/01/2018 14:33

Witmoving Childrens Smartwatch GPS Tracker Kids Wrist Watch Phone Sim Anti-lost SOS Bracelet Parent Control By iPhone IOS Android Smartphone (Pink) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01G72VST6/ref=cmswwrcppapi_4k1yAbENXFHH6

Original poster
ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 14:33

Peace!

OP posts:
Original poster
ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 14:34

DailyMailareDicks thanks!

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 20/01/2018 14:35

Hope she's back and you're all having nice agternoo .

Uterusuterusgarlic · 20/01/2018 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nousernameforme · 20/01/2018 14:44

I went in to town from 10 years old as did a lot of my friends so no i don't think she is too young.
However I didn't go alone as well as the phone maybe make it a condition that she can go but only with friends.

ObscuredbyFog · 20/01/2018 14:48

Oh OP, you must have been worried sick.

From your point of view, she's gone for a walk, you think she's gone to the nearest town which is about 15 minutes away on foot, she has no plans to meet any friends or call for any on the way into town and no plans for what she's going to do in town or how long she will be in town before starting on the 15 minute journey back.

In her mind, she's having an adventure and probably won't even think about coming home until she's either bored or tired.

Now that she's home safe, it's an idea to put in some framework about what everyone does if they go out, tell the family where you'll be going and how long you'll be and when to expect you home. Cheap phone and no option of not answering.

I'd not tell her about what happened to you, just let her have a little freedom with plenty safety net built in.

Coyoacan · 20/01/2018 14:57

I understand your nervousness, OP, considering what happened to you, but really, of all the dangers our children are exposed to, I think the risks involved in a walk into town are at the low end of the scale. At that age I regularly walked long distances along country roads.

wrenika · 20/01/2018 15:07

She'll be fine. We were chatting about this at work yesterday and I remember being let free to roam around the village, up remote tracks and forestry routes, etc. No mobile in those days. Just me and my friend, who had learning difficulties. We used to go out for hours. We were doing this from late primary school age onwards and had a great time.

JaneEyre70 · 20/01/2018 15:21

Someone once said to me that the hardest part of raising kids is letting them have their independence from you - and it's very true. My youngest was a little bugger for not answering her phone, she's not much better now in truth as it's always on silent and half of our village has no phone signal. I had far too many heart in mouth moments with her! My only advice is to really praise her for being sensible, and let her take baby steps away from you but pull those back the minute if she does something silly so she knows its not on. Flowers.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 15:30

Okay so telling her what happened to you would be quite scary for her to hear, and also you don't just get over something like that which happened to you - so please go easy on yourself. I'm glad she's back safely too. I was allowed to walk around the shops in the village at the age of ten, but that was thirty years ago. I know someone posted a wristband tracker, but if you wanted to give her a basic phone, amazon.co.uk/Nokia-3310-UK-SIM-Feature-Phone-Red/dp/B0725QQXZT/ref=sr_1_1?s=telephone&ie=UTF8&qid=1516462118&sr=1-1&keywords=nokia+3310 this one is pretty good, despite the star rating.]] It's a modernised version of an old classic, which will keep her in touch with you, but with none of the addictive problematic stuff a smartphone has.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 15:32

Damned ballsed up formatting.

I also meant to add - talk to her about why it's different for her to go for a wander than it is for her brothers, but teach her how to stay safe. I'm pretty much of the mindset that we should teach kids self defence from the moment they can understand the concept, not because I want to be alarmist, but because I'd rather they knew stuff and didn't need to, than need to know how and not know how to act (I hope that made sense).

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