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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter ‘Gone for a walk’, talk me off the ledge. Please

104 replies

ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 13:47

My ten year old wanted to go out for a walk. I argued with her about it. I was worrying and realised I was stopping her doing something her brothers did. I let her go. Twenty minutes in, I’m sat here freaking out. My chest is thumping. I was raped when I was walking home from school when I was 12 and I know this is effecting how I’m now treating her. I realise this. I want to stop being an asshole. I’m just so worried. I know aibu, but it’ll be ok right? She’ll be ok? Later, should I talk to her about what happened to me? Should I tell her I know I’m being irrational but that’s why? What do I do. Typing this is stopping me from hyperventilating.

OP posts:
Iggii · 20/01/2018 15:34

My ten year old’s road sense isn’t up to much. That’s what I worry about most. In a city too which does t help.

Coyoacan · 20/01/2018 15:39

why it's different for her to go for a wander than it is for her brothers

Well I don't know if I buy that. Stranger danger seems to be just as bad for young boys as for young girls.

wifeyhun · 20/01/2018 15:40

Get her a phone and put life360 or something on it. Gives great peace of mind in checking they have got to school ok or where they are if they are running late.

I think early independence is a good thing, so don't discourage her.

Jaxhog · 20/01/2018 15:41

Gosh, I walked to and from school from the age of 8! (I was supposed to catch 2 buses, but walking was nicer). I also used to catch the train to London with my best friend from about 10 years old and ride around on the tube. Traffic is a bit heavier than it was, but we were very well taught about how to cross roads etc.

It all depends on how responsible you think she is (she sounds responsible).

StaplesCorner · 20/01/2018 15:46

This entire thread should be revolving around what happened to you - all your decisions will be coloured by that and who could blame you? Have you had counselling?

Uterusuterusgarlic · 20/01/2018 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barefoofdoctor · 20/01/2018 15:59

YY to the phone, or lend her yours. It's horrendous how things from the past can creep up on you that way and no doubt you'll be able to relax more when she's been out on her own a few times. Good for you not coddling her due to your hideous experience as a child.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/01/2018 16:09

I think I'm pretty laid back about letting my kids out. My rules about going into town are that you have to be in high school, you have to be with a mate and you have to have a phone.

I think you need to be aware of the possibility that you might be a bit too under protective in a bid to avoid being overprotective.

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 16:22

I think you need to be aware of the possibility that you might be a bit too under protective in a bid to avoid being overprotective.

I think that's a terrible thing to say to someone who is facing their insecurities. Your rules don't define what is acceptable and what isn't.

OP, I am just like you and yet made sure that my kids took their first step towards independence when THEY were ready, and as it was, they were ready at a very early age. My DS actually started to come home using public transport when he was only 9, but I knew he had the maturity to do so, so I had to be supportive of his confidence.

My two are now 15 and 18 and still I fret about their whereabouts. DD is now driving and I was sick in the stomach each journey she made the first couple of months. I still ask her to text me as soon as she gets just about anywhere that isn't school!

They both know that I get anxious and I think appreciate that I haven't let my anxieties hold them up. They sympathise and both are very good at texting me or answering my calls. Still, I went into meltdown too many times imagining they'd been kidnapped because they haven't responded within minutes.

Thank God for mobiles though.

DevilTree · 20/01/2018 16:28

Definitely get her a phone! It doesn't need to be a smart phone if you've got some objection to that, just a basic one so that she's contactable and can contact you if she needs you. I'd get her enrolled in a martial arts class, too.

Sorry for what happened to you, and well done for trying not to let that stop you letting her have her independence/freedom. Flowers Flowers

usualGubbins · 20/01/2018 16:35

My children grew up without mobiles, it's a new phenomenon. I totally agree with you giving your daughter some freedom, but the answer isn't necessarily a mobile. I used to ask my children where they were going and give them a time to be home. They had watches from quite young ages, and they knew too that if they were late then they were grounded.

It's an easy solution. We can never keep them 100% safe unless we wrap them up in cotton wool and restrict them to one padded cell. I happen to believe that it's a parent's duty to make their children independent - this was the framework that I used to do that. Along with that of course you have to teach them safeguarding, and from then you can allow them their freedom to go for walks, meet their friends, catch buses, etc.

BareGrylls · 20/01/2018 16:38

Mine were 13 before I let them into town without an adult and only then with a friend.
They had phones and we talked through exactly what they would do. I said they must only go down the main street, I was explicit about not going down certain areas. They were never to split up from friend under any circumstances.
A friend of mine is a police officer and he tailed his DD without them knowing to check they hadn't gone off piste Grin.

So OP maybe sit her down and go through some ground rules. Also I would give it at least acouple more years before letting her go to town alone.

Etymology23 · 20/01/2018 16:41

I'm in my twenties and used to walk home from school at the age of 10 and used to cycle to my friend's a couple of miles away by 11 and to a woods to go out and play at the same age.

I used to cycle 4 miles and then get the bus to the town 15 miles further away at 13 - I don't think not letting kids out and about is the way to go.

Agree about getting a cheap phone though :)

StaplesCorner · 20/01/2018 16:41

I can't understand why everyone is chatting away as if this was just any other mum; the OP will always have a different take on things after what happened to her, anyone should be able to understand that surely? And yes it might even be that she does become under-protective in order not to be over-protective.

Traumas such as the one the OP suffered change your perception of things and can make you hyper aware of risk, but at the same time it will make you question your own judgement constantly. No wonder she's torn on this one.

Coyoacan · 20/01/2018 16:43

Still, I went into meltdown too many times imagining they'd been kidnapped because they haven't responded within minutes

Yeap, this is called being a parent, definitely the downside but, as you say, we still have to let them go.

I think we have to manage their independence so that little by little they learn how to look after themselves. Rather than keeping them sheltered until they are sixteen or eighteen and then throwing them in at the deep end. I grew up in a rough town and was fiercely independent, which means that I have developed a sense for when a place or a situation is dangerous

BigBaboonBum · 20/01/2018 16:44

She needs a phone if she’s out alone at age 10

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2018 16:47

I'm glad she's back OP.

I'm one of the most laid back relaxed parents you could meet

Yet there's no way I'd allow my 10yr old to wander into town alone (let alone 'refuse' to take a friend), not tell me what time they'll be back and to not have a phone on them.

I'm sure if you make better arrangements/rules next time, it won't be so unpleasant for you.

Friedgreen · 20/01/2018 16:48

If her brothers were allowed to walk the 15mins into town then she should be able to, too. I’m sorry about what happened to you OP but your fear is just that yours (and not hers). You need to find a way of dealing with what happened with you which doesn’t result in your daughter being hurt.

Megs4x3 · 20/01/2018 16:50

((((((((((Hugs))))))))) This must be awful for you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with telling her why you're worried about her. You don't have to give her details, and can play down the risk to her, but her knowing why you're so worried might encourage her to not push boundaries as hard as she might. Would her dad agree to her having a PAYG phone for only occasions like this until she's old enough to have one on his terms. I agree that I wouldn't be letting a 10-year-old walk to town on her own, especially if she'd pushed the boundaries and argued, but having agreed there needs to be a way that you have as much peace of mind as possible.

BishopstonFaffing · 20/01/2018 17:00

I agree routes with DS and he knows to stick to them. In an
emergency I could then find him. It's a good compromise. He does have a phone but not much common sense and frequently forgets to charge it or turn it on.

MavisPike · 20/01/2018 17:09

you should be very proud of yourself nice
that's a massive step to take
I would have been in bits too

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 17:12

I used to ask my children where they were going and give them a time to be home.
Indeed, that's what used to happen.... before mobiles were invented, so that instead of freaking out trying to find a phone booth to let our parents know if something happened that meant we were due home later, or get a telling off when we did get back, we are now lucky that we can just tell our children to give us a call on their mobile.

user838383 · 20/01/2018 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heron98 · 20/01/2018 17:22

I think 10 is plenty old enough to walk around in the local area alone. I am sorry about what happened to you but you need to give her some freedom.

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 17:26

A child on their own is a target I'm not bothered how irrational that sounds it just wouldn't happen
As you say, it's irrational. We know of two families who might have thought the same than you and that didn't stop them being both murdered together.

I have an irrational fear of flying, I know it's irrational. Thankfully I don't let it hold my kids from getting on a plane to enjoy sunny holidays.

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