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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel all urgh inside. Talk me round from being a cow

87 replies

Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2018 17:50

Back story is: my dad died over a year ago. I don't live near my mother but she has been to stay with us lots and although it's been really hard grieving etc, we've had some great times with my children.

At Christmas she was at her sports social event and asked out by someone she's know for a few years. Last few weeks they have been going out to local events and she is really totally smitten.

In May she has a birthday coming up. I have had a really crap year and could do with some fun events to look forward to. We'd talked about going to an event in June that we have both always wanted to go to.

Tickets not easy to get but I've managed 2. We will have to stay over at least 2 nights and I said I'd also pay for the hotel and train fares if I decide to not drive it.

On the phone earlier to mum and chatting.. She says that 'Joe' is rearranging his trip to Ireland so he can go with her to the event I've booked. So she's going with him. He's looking forward to it, always wanted to go.. blah blah blah.

I know it's her birthday and she can go with whom she likes.
But I feel hurt. I wanted to go with her. And I am feeling bloody churlish cos I don't want to pay for the hotel (though it will be cheaper as they'll only need 1 room.) for him to go.

I am happy she is happy.

Tyring to not think this new relationship is zooming ahead quickly.

I miss my dad.

Think I am pre-menstrual which makes me extra vile.

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 18/01/2018 17:53

Have you told her how you feel?

Definitely don’t pay for the hotel if you’re not going.

SnowGoArea · 18/01/2018 17:54

Was she maybe meaning that Joe would buy himself an extra ticket and you'd all go together? If you've just been excluded without asking you have every right to feel disgruntled (assuming she definitely knew the plan was for the two of you, sounds like she did though).

Sorry about your dad though Flowers

Deshasafraisy · 18/01/2018 17:55

Can you not say that you thought you were going together? Has she blatantly and knowingly “dumped” you or does she think you have given her two tickets to take who she wants?

MargotLovedTom1 · 18/01/2018 17:56

Did she know that you'd booked the tickets for you and her? I think you need to say there's been crossed wires!

Imbluedabadee · 18/01/2018 17:56

Yanbu that's really hurtful! Did she definitely know that you were looking forward to it? Is there any way she could have misunderstood?

ocelot7 · 18/01/2018 17:57

It is over a year now which is a fair while. You presumably want your DM to be happy then please let go any idea she is disrespecting your father

You don't say how old you & yr dear mother are? As its so hard to find someone compatible later in life try to be happy for her :) The companionship - which you cannot offer - is probably really helping her at a lonely time.

Can you all go? Then maybe do something just you two another time as well

Weezol · 18/01/2018 18:03

I would be miffed if a friend did that to me, never mind my mum.

Speak to her - tell her it's lovely she has met someone that makes her happy but that you are hurt that she has not considered your prior engagement in their plans.

It is event just the two of you had agreed to and is now booked so she needs to tell Joe to change his plans to allow for this.

After all, she did raise you to be considerate and you're sure she just got her dates mixed up.

DoublyTroubly · 18/01/2018 18:03

Surely her birthday present was just one of the tickets for the event, and you just bought the other one for yourself? That means that your DM has no right giving it to Joe. I hope that makes sense!

Topseyt · 18/01/2018 18:06

Have you told her how you feel? I would.

Could she have misunderstood and thought that the tickets were for her and Joe rather than for her and you? Clear up that misunderstanding quickly. Tell her that you had intended it as Mum and daughter time after a difficult year, you were looking forward to going with her and are now surprised and hurt that you apparently won't be.

If she still persists then give her the tickets but do not pay for a hotel or be their taxi driver.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/01/2018 18:07

Err no, you bought yourself and your mum tickets to something you had BOTH always wanted to go to.

You have your ticket.
You have bought one for your mum.
Ask her where Joe got his ticket?

I don't think you are being unreasonable here...

MissionItsPossible · 18/01/2018 18:09

YANBU but it sounds like crossed wires to me. Did you think she might think you bought her the tickets and not one of the tickets?

OliviaBenson · 18/01/2018 18:12

Why do you think you are a cow op? I would tell your mum that the trip was a treat for you both and not him.

punkpuffin · 18/01/2018 18:19

I'd be annoyed too, but have you talked to her? There may just be a missuserstanding about the number of tickets you bought.

Knittedfairies · 18/01/2018 18:20

Perhaps your mum hasn’t realised that she has one ticket for the event?

Nikephorus · 18/01/2018 18:32

Say 'Does Joe want to buy my ticket off me then as it would be a bit odd me going as a spare part?"

Original poster
Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2018 18:33

good points about if it was clear about the 2 tickets were for me and mum. I thought it was as I said I would get the tickets snd sort accommodation and travel. She did her thing of "ooh too expensive let me contribute" me saying "no dont worry, you can buy a meal or two when we are there"
we'd talked about it several times but that was a few months ago. So I thought it was clear we'd be going together. But perhaps it wasn't.

I am seeing her in a few weeks and meeting 'Joe'. I might have a quiet word then. But dont want to upset her.

Ocelot - I am not thinking she's disrespecting my dad. She deserves fun. Its been really crap.

OP posts:
dancinfeet · 18/01/2018 18:38

She has obviously misunderstood and thought that her gift was two tickets to the event, when in fact her gift was one ticket, and that you have bought another ticket as a treat for yourself. New boyfriend Joe is irrelevant as this was planned before he was even on the scene, between mum and daughter? She should make alternative plans to celebrate her birthday with Joe on a different date to the event. Spell it out for her!

OliviaBenson · 18/01/2018 18:39

Op, why don’t you want to upset her? She’s upset you!

I wouldn’t wait that long to talk to him, he may have changed all his plans by then. Send her a message and explain that there are crossed wires and the trip is for you both to enjoy.

Situp · 18/01/2018 18:41

It must be hard for you OP. My DF died 3 years ago and I still miss him every day.

I see DM whenever I can and so do my siblings, but the thing she said which really struck home for me was that at the end of the day, we all go home to our partners and children and she goes back to an empty house. She is surrounded by people so often but feels that she is ultimately alone.

I completely understand you feeling odd about this and I am sure I will if my mum meets someone else, but if it is a chance for your mum to build something with someone who can be there when you go back to your life, could you support her? I would like to think I would for my mum.

YANBU as what you are feeling is totally understandable but she is probably just trying to get through this as best she can.
Flowers

HermionesRightHook · 18/01/2018 18:42

You need to just say to her that she's misunderstood and one ticket was for her, the other for you. If she wants to take Joe he'll need to buy his own ticket.

And you aren't a cow, she's the one that's being off here - of someone buys you a trip for your birthday and then talks about what the two of you will do there, you don't randomly invite someone else instead. That's literally not how that works, new relationship, grieving, or not.

ChasedByBees · 18/01/2018 18:44

I would say clearly that the plan was to go together. If Joe hasnt bought a ticket, it doesn’t mean he can have yours.

Emilybrontescorsett · 18/01/2018 18:57

How odd.
I've bought events for my mum in the past and paid for myself too.
Of course you haven't bought a ticket for her and one for her boyfriend.
I'd say something along the lines of
The tickets are for you and me mum. Of course if you'd rather Joe go then he can buy my ticket and pay for the hotel room but really it was meant as a special trip for me and you.

Ginger1982 · 18/01/2018 19:00

What did you say when she said he was going with her?

Gazelda · 18/01/2018 19:08

I think you should nip this in the bud, not let it fester for a few weeks.

A call to say "Mum, this is awkward, but I thought you and I were going together? We'd chatted about arrangements and I'd booked us 2 rooms. Would you mind if it's just us two, I enjoy our fun times together."

I can't see that she could argue with that. Put it all down to a misunderstanding. Don't put her in a 'it's Joe or me' choice, make it clear that you know that she was aware it was you and her going from the start. Remind her (lightheartedly) of your convos about dinner etc.

She and Joe can go away together another time.

MissionItsPossible · 18/01/2018 19:27

OP its your choice but I saw a comment from you upthread about how you're going to be meeting 'Joe' and may have a quiet word with her then, but I wouldn't. I'd do it in advance. Just my opinion but I think it could make what might be an awkward situation even more so. Hope you get it sorted.