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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel all urgh inside. Talk me round from being a cow

87 replies

Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2018 17:50

Back story is: my dad died over a year ago. I don't live near my mother but she has been to stay with us lots and although it's been really hard grieving etc, we've had some great times with my children.

At Christmas she was at her sports social event and asked out by someone she's know for a few years. Last few weeks they have been going out to local events and she is really totally smitten.

In May she has a birthday coming up. I have had a really crap year and could do with some fun events to look forward to. We'd talked about going to an event in June that we have both always wanted to go to.

Tickets not easy to get but I've managed 2. We will have to stay over at least 2 nights and I said I'd also pay for the hotel and train fares if I decide to not drive it.

On the phone earlier to mum and chatting.. She says that 'Joe' is rearranging his trip to Ireland so he can go with her to the event I've booked. So she's going with him. He's looking forward to it, always wanted to go.. blah blah blah.

I know it's her birthday and she can go with whom she likes.
But I feel hurt. I wanted to go with her. And I am feeling bloody churlish cos I don't want to pay for the hotel (though it will be cheaper as they'll only need 1 room.) for him to go.

I am happy she is happy.

Tyring to not think this new relationship is zooming ahead quickly.

I miss my dad.

Think I am pre-menstrual which makes me extra vile.

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 19/01/2018 19:40

Your poor mum has lost her husband, it’s not all about you. I’m sure, given time, you will realise you should be happy for your mum.

Have a chat with her and explain you wanted to go with her, she may not have realised you wanted to go. But please do not resent your mum finding happiness with Joe.

Flowers for your mum Gin for you

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 19/01/2018 19:41

Oh OP, ouch! Flowers

I admire your pragmatic attitude to this, and think you are right to be the bigger person, but if I was you I would be disappointed in my mum- she seems to be acting like a teenage girl, ditching everyone to accommodate her new pash Sad
I hope she snaps out of it soon. I'm sure she will. And feel a bit daft.

trackrBird · 19/01/2018 19:43

You sound lovely, not in the least like a cow, but very big hearted.

I agree that your mum’s relationship is developing quite quickly.

It’s quite thoughtless of ‘Joe’ to hijack an event that was meant to be a mum and daughter thing, especially given how recently you’ve both been bereaved. I think he should have stepped back and thought of both of you before rearranging his commitments, and making himself part of it. And I’m sorry your mum didn’t think it through either.

It’s not as if they won’t have any other opportunities to be together.

Really sorry OP, and I hope you can book something nice just for you.

Original poster
Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2018 19:47

BathT - thats it! Its like talking to a teenager! Hilarious but sometimes there's tmi.

Priscilla - I really do know how hard its been for her and its not been about me. I have tried to support emotionally and practically. This isnt about her future with Joe. I want her happy.
Its about the birthday treat we planned together. I am going to have a strop about it in private (and on here) because we'd agreed it would be fun and I was looking forward to it.
Though if I am still venting tomorrow kick me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2018 19:52

Trackbird - Joe is probably caught up in the 'pash' too (love you Platy for that - made me laugh!)
And I really hope he's not a dodgy geezer. He's visiting for a family inspection soon.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/01/2018 19:55

I really think Joe should be paying for his ticket. The agreement was you and your mum. If she's now taking someone else then she needs to 'buy' your ticket.

Have you arranged much else? Can anything be cancelled?

HermionesRightHook · 19/01/2018 19:58

I think you're being beyond reasonable about this. She's behaving really badly and I'm glad you're not paying the accommodation and travel. It's one thing to treat her when you're going that way anyway and staying with her but not when you're summarily dumped for a new bloke.

But as others have said, she's obviously not thinking straight - hopefully she'll come out of the haze soon.

ChasedByBees · 19/01/2018 19:59

Spoke to mother this morning and she says she realises that the initial decision was to go with me but she'll go with Joe. Think I have been dumped.

I can understand that the best thing to do is brush over it but that is really bloody rude! So so rude.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 19/01/2018 20:00

Sorry but your mum sounds horrible & incredibly fucking rude. I can't imagine on what planet she thought it was ok to just dump you in this way.
Yes it's lovely she's found happiness again but that doesn't give her the privlidge to ride roughshod over your feelings Hmm

CoffeeCupCake · 19/01/2018 20:00

He’s effectively stolen your ticket. It was clear that you were going, how on earth does your Mum think it’s ok just to tell you you’re not anymore! If he wanted to go, they needed to sort out a third ticket (and even then it would be polite to check with you first that you didn’t mind him tagging along).

user1497997754 · 19/01/2018 20:03

I would be so happy if my mum met someone else she is really lonely in the evenings....I would let joe go in your place and not bat an eyelid....you go home to your hubby....hers is not here anymore....let her have some fun life is sooooo short....joe sounds as if he is good for her...

Original poster
Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2018 20:05

User - what is this hubby you talk of?

OP posts:
Bridechilla · 19/01/2018 20:06

Joe needs to reimburse for his own damn ticket at the least

NotAgainYoda · 19/01/2018 20:13

Blimey - she's been rude. Vent away

NotAgainYoda · 19/01/2018 20:13

Blimey - she's been rude. Vent away

Nothomealone · 19/01/2018 20:14

My DM started a new relationship and behaved just like a giggly teenager, it was very, very tiring for her DC. The new person was dragged everywhere.

Please do check they aren't named tickets because you may need to go anyway. Your DM is being bloody rude and you are being most understanding.

waterfall0119 · 19/01/2018 20:18

Joe is a CF. I wouldn’t be being anywhere near as reasonable as you are.

honeyroar · 19/01/2018 20:21

Yes it's Great that OP's mum has met someone else and is happy, but it must be remembered that she is not the only one that lost a family member that they adored. The birthday trip to see something that they BOTH loved was a lift for BOTH of them. So even though it's the mum's birthday this was a pretty shitty thing to do.

My mum went like this when she left my dad for another man and the family house had to be sold. Another elderly man I know who lost his wife and met someone else (years later) is similar in that he's dived straight into a huge, full on relationship that is upsetting his family a bit. I think it's almost a guilt mechanism on their part, defensiveness. In my mum's case it calmed down fairly soon.

Spartaca · 19/01/2018 20:24

You're being very mature about this. Make all the allowances you want, but your mother has been very rude and unkind.

GoldfishCrackers · 19/01/2018 20:25

Oh dear this is rude and hurtful. And the way she initially told you that you were no longer going is off too - why not be upfront and clear about it?

Is this unusual for her? When she's not grieving/obsessed with a new pash is she usually more thoughtful? If so, then letting this one go makes sense.

foodiefil · 19/01/2018 20:28

Can absolutely see why you would be hurt by this. She is perhaps unknowingly putting herself first. She could argue she never has done for years.

It's hard when parents behave too adulty.

So sorry about your dad Thanks

csigeek · 19/01/2018 20:29

Tell her, she won't be offended. I lost my dad 10 years ago and although I haven't had the same situation to deal with I know my mom would understand my feelings if I told her. She will know you're grieving too.
I know it's a long shot but is there no way to get an extra ticket and make it a time to get know 'Joe' better? He could share the cost of the hotel etc perhaps.
You're not being churlish, you're still hurting and your mum meeting someone new is different and hard to get used to. Time is a healer as they say but in my opinion it takes a bloody long time to get back anything resembling normal.

foodiefil · 19/01/2018 20:31

Erm excuse me?! You're buying his ticket? That is rude, sorry. He should offer to pay surely...!

And your mum should really have said 'I'll buy it off you'. Tut tut

Glad you're not paying for accom

livefornaps · 19/01/2018 20:35

Joe should be paying for his ticket.

Your mum isn't the only one to have had a hard time - you have too! And you also deserve the break you PAID for.

You sound like a lovely, caring daughter (and a forgiving one to boot!)

BelleandBeast · 19/01/2018 20:41

Your mum may have lost her husband but you have lost your dad whom you can never replace in your life or affections. A year is nothing, nothing. My dad died 12 years ago and I still catch my breath with the loss when it wells up inside me.

That aside, she is very rude and hurtful to dump your arrangement like that and is behaving like a teenager. Her feelings are not more important than yours.

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

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