Feel all urgh inside. Talk me round from being a cow

[Pancakeflipper]

Back story is: my dad died over a year ago. I don't live near my mother but she has been to stay with us lots and although it's been really hard grieving etc, we've had some great times with my children.

At Christmas she was at her sports social event and asked out by someone she's know for a few years. Last few weeks they have been going out to local events and she is really totally smitten.

In May she has a birthday coming up. I have had a really crap year and could do with some fun events to look forward to. We'd talked about going to an event in June that we have both always wanted to go to.

Tickets not easy to get but I've managed 2. We will have to stay over at least 2 nights and I said I'd also pay for the hotel and train fares if I decide to not drive it.

On the phone earlier to mum and chatting.. She says that 'Joe' is rearranging his trip to Ireland so he can go with her to the event I've booked. So she's going with him. He's looking forward to it, always wanted to go.. blah blah blah.

I know it's her birthday and she can go with whom she likes.
But I feel hurt. I wanted to go with her. And I am feeling bloody churlish cos I don't want to pay for the hotel (though it will be cheaper as they'll only need 1 room.) for him to go.

I am happy she is happy.

Tyring to not think this new relationship is zooming ahead quickly.

I miss my dad.

Think I am pre-menstrual which makes me extra vile.

I am a bit confused.

Is she saying she is now wanting to go with Joe and not with you, even though you had talked about the travel and hotel etc? That's incredibly bloody rude.

If she has invited him along with you without discussing with you then that is also very rude indeed.

Have I misunderstood?

You are right. I shall nip this in the bud.

I don;t want to upset her as she is lovely but a fantastic sulker. And I don't want her to think I have any issue with Joe. I don't. (I just want to go to the event with my mum as we discussed). . Cos it is really lovely to hear her so happy and I am looking forward to meeting him ( and make sure he's treating my mum good). I don't want her sat at home lonely. That's not the issue. It's her birthday treat from me that is my issue. So I will have a chat with her.

Rothbury - that is the situation through my eyes. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has misunderstood me. I think she's caught up in the wonderfulness of having a happy time and being loved up . And I am happy she's happy. - which is why I feel like a cow saying "oi - we were going to together remember..."

Don't leave it weeks until bringing it up!
Ring her, say you think there's been crossed wires but you bought the tickets for you and her. Get it sorted before Joe completely changes his Ireland plans and you're left stewing.

X post.

Just tell her what you have told us. That you're happy she's happy and you're looking forward to meeting him, but you had thought you were going together and you're really looking forward to it.

Just an update. Spoke to mother this morning and she says she realises that the initial decision was to go with me but she'll go with Joe.

Think I have been dumped.

I am not going to make a drama out of as it is her birthday so bought the tickets with some extras. But I have told her that they will have to sort out transport and accommodation. I wasn't churlish when I said it (honest)

I am pissed off as I was looking forward to it but in the scheme of life it's not worth having huge upset about. But if he doesn't enjoy it I will give him my death stare.

Well that's bollocks! Sorry op!

I hope you don't have to wheel out the death stare Pancake; it stinks that you've been dumped but at least your mum knows the hotel and transport is down to her and Joe. June is a long way ahead; don’t give up hope just yet.

I think that’s really bloody rude of her, actually! I’d be really pissed off. You didn’t buy a ticket for her new bloke, it was for you!

Ah that is galling, so sorry op

Not even an offer to give you the money for Joe's ticket? Because really, only one of those tickets was a gift to her.

Well that sucks. And I agree with Maelstrop - it is rude of her. She made plans with you, she should keep to them.

Although I am sorry for the loss of your dad, that's very bad and selfish behaviour on your mum's part. You do realise that as you are the one that arranged and paid for the tickets, you could 'dump' her? Do you have a friend that would enjoy going with you?

Good point KnittedFairies she might dump him

Snow - I have had similar thoughts as I scrubbed the bathroom to vent my annoyance but telling myself if my dad was still alive I would have bought a pair of tickets and not been going.

I think whoever does this - mother, friend or whoever - is incredibly rude. I’d be furious and hurt. She’s not exactly paving the way for you to welcome Joe with open arms is she?

Yes, I would ask for the money for his ticket at least.

I think this is really rude, you wouldn't accept it from a friend but I can understand why you have to hold your tongue.

for you, it must be awful losing your dad

I think that’s rubbish of her. Why can’t she and Joe do something else together - anything really - just not the thing you’ve planned to do!

Well done OP for being the bigger person.

Sorry op for your loss You are definitely not unreasonable. I think you sound wonderful and deserve to be treated better. However we lost mil last year and fil is incredibly self centred and selfish now and cannot see past his own grief. He doesn't meant to be it is just part of the grief process I think .Hopefully your mum is just going through a temporary phase of being a bit selfish.

My daughter bought tickets for a Comedy Club for part of my Christmas present. Obviously we are going together for a night out.
In my wildest dreams, I can't imagine me telling her that I've decided to go with someone else. Just bloody rude!

If you bought the tickets you might need to be careful that they can use them. Some tickets require the I.D of the person who bought them to avoid ticket touts

Chalk it up to her having a shitty year too and having her head turned. That is if she’s normally a good Mum and isn’t generally mean. Maybe you and the DH could join them?

Loved up of not, your DM is bang out of order, very unfair that.
I think you've let her off lightly to be honest.
Of course in the meantime, Joe may move on, and you may end up taking someone else yourself, who knows !

So essentially you are giving a present to someone you've never met??

My DM also has a new partner since my dad died: when they first got together she was OBSESSED and as self absorbed as your average teenager! I feel your pain as she did a few things at the time that TBH still annoy me. It's fine now, but I think she still doesn't realise some of the things she did.

DingDong - I need to check that - ta for thinking of that. Sure it will be ok but best double check.

Miss Duke - very true that's why I think I'm not going to make an issue of it. She's been so sad. So if she's happy as much as it makes me stick my bottom lip out - I am for once going to suck this up and keep my mouth shut. Venting on here helps!