Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask what a perfect Mil would be like?

116 replies

Bluelady · 18/01/2018 15:30

As I'm about to become one and see them getting so much flak here, please tell me how I should behave so I don't piss my dil off. Serious question.

OP posts:

goose1964 · 18/01/2018 19:30

My MiL is great although she's unwell at the moment ( and 86)so she can't do much, when the kids were younger she'd often take them for the weekend so we could rest. She also gave me hints on how to deal with him when he has one of those moods because his dad was the same.

I'm a MiL twice over and although when one lives a couple of hundred miles away it's difficult to be an hands on MiL .I just treat my sil who lives close like one of my sons. They are both impressed by my ability to calm down a crying baby/toddler

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 18/01/2018 19:31

My DMIL is perfect. We have little in common on paper, but she’s non-judgemental, even when confronted with my frankly abysmal standards of tidyness and the DCs’ occasionally questionable behaviour.

She comes down to visit when she knows she’s welcome but not otherwise (about 6 times a year), she makes her own tea, and DFIL’s coffee. She wakes up early in the morning (just because that’s the way her body clock works) and unloads the clean dishwasher, and was actually pleased to be visited by chirpy toddlers crawling into her bed at 6am, and she always offered to arrange tvisits around the school holidays so she could do a couple of days childcare for us.

The only tiny flaw she has is that when I ask her “would you like chicken or fish for supper?” Or “would you like a museum or a country walk or a theatre trip while you’re down?” she always says “oh I’m happy whatever, do what you want”. So the one way she could be improved is if she expressed an actual opinion on what she would like when I’m trying my best to make her stay fun/pleasant. That said, she never ever complains or expresses criticism or unhappiness, even on the odd occasion when a trip out/meal hasn’t worked out brilliantly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/01/2018 19:36

I think the PPs who say just be a friend have it right

There's a lot depending on whether that is possible though. We choose our friends, we choose them because we have something in common, maybe the same sense of humour, share a hobby, like the same music/food/entertainment etc.

People don't choose their DILs. They might be someone they would never be friends with in RL. So how on earth can you expect people to just be " kind and treat them like a friend "?

From what I've read on here over the years from the majority of DILs being friends with their MILs is the last thing they want.

Plus it's a two way street.

Cakeisbest · 18/01/2018 19:41

Don't accept every invitation to join them on holiday - the only one we can get away with is a ski trip. I should have nipped this in the bud years ago but didn't. It is now assumed that MIL will be included too. Also don't accept every invitation to come over at the weekend. And don't stay more than 3 nights at xmas.

ShyOyster · 18/01/2018 19:43

I just wish DP’s family (especially MIL) treated me like a separate person, not just an extension of DP and the mother of his child. My MIL has never bought me a present that wouldn’t be a generic girly thing, she never called me or even messaged me. Even for my birthday, she’ll call DP and say “wish Shy happy birthday from me”. It’s a bit frustrating at times and also a bit awkward.

readytostart · 18/01/2018 19:45

Don't bitch to friends or other DIL, don't stir shit, favour gc, expect everything should be your way.

Aside from what I have just said I do have a good relationship with my mother in law, we have days out, holiday together and will have a wine together. Seems to be a little issue at the moment from another family member causing a rift.

VileyRose · 18/01/2018 19:46

Mines lovely. She's like a friend.

crackerjacket · 18/01/2018 19:51

Offer to babysit and mean it.
Bring home made foods that are edible.
Offer to host for Christmas.
Offer advice, but not expect me to take it.
A feminist.
If possible, interested in the same things i.e. travel. This isn't mandatory though. Just as long as she's nice.
Shows an interest in me, and obviously adores the kids. She doesn't have to adore me, in fact id prefer it if she didn't.
Calls before popping over.

Learn my language. I don't mean metaphorically - literally please learn some English!

A big one - tells stories of the family, family tree, ancestry, etc. DH knows nothing and FIL doesn't know much more.

ginandtonicformeplease · 18/01/2018 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebeccaslicker · 18/01/2018 20:07

Mine's pretty good. Always offers to help but isn't remotely pushy, is very relaxed about what we do when she comes to stay, plays all the floor games with DD that she likes - she's just a nice person.

If you're a nice person, as I'm sure you are, then you'll be fine

Original poster

Bluelady · 18/01/2018 20:28

It's lovely to see so many of you really liking/loving your Mils. Mine and I have very little in common but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. I'm quite determined not to interfere, visit only when invited, etc. Big break through at Christmas when I bought her a sparkly evening bag (having spotted that she needed one - lots of officers' mess functions, she's Army, he's RAF). She was thrilled, both because it was girly and because I'd thought about it. Hopefully we'll continue in that vein - I may become the person who caters for her girly side!

OP posts:

KanielOutis · 18/01/2018 20:29

Don't tell DIL that her house isn't big enough, and if only she works harder and spends less she can afford a bigger house. MIL bought her house 40 years ago for about £17k. They joke that they have had pricier cars.

BertrandRussell · 18/01/2018 20:31

It’s fascinating that all these posts are about what a mil should do to be acceptable. Nothing about how the dil might meet her half - or even a quarter- of the way.

violetgrey · 18/01/2018 20:36

Did you read the OP Bertrand? OP is asking about how to be a good MIL.
Feel free to start a new thread on the topic of what makes a good DIL.

MrsMcW · 18/01/2018 20:36

Understand that your son is a grown man now with his own life and family! My MiL is a terrible empty nester and still treats DH like her little boy. She gets all miffed if ever we can't make an invitation and expects us to drop our plans to make way for hers. She's a lovely woman with her heart very much in the right place, but I wish she'd learn to give us space...

BelfortGabbz · 18/01/2018 20:40

I'm not a 'perfect' Mother, Wife, Daughter or friend, so I'll be fucked if I'm going to become a performing poodle trying to be a 'perfect' MIL.
Just like I don't expect my DIL to be perfect, we are only human and make mistakes.

Ilovewillow · 18/01/2018 20:40

The fact that you've asked probably means you're already on the right track. Be their friend (both of them), support them, be thoughtful and care about them (I'm sure you already do)! The same advice I would give her too!

Becles · 18/01/2018 20:46

A lot of the responses seem to involve being prepared to provide childcare on demand or be told that you lack interest in the grandchildren and unloving.

Feilin · 18/01/2018 20:52

My mil from day one has been welcoming . Now we have dd she is a determined granny who helps out with laundry and buys the nappies every week. We speak on the phone every day sometimes more than once . She is invaluable and just treats me like family and always asks before she does anything. Id be lost without her my own mum looks after my brothers kids and lives quite far away .

Welshlovebicuit · 18/01/2018 20:52

Accept your DIL (and son) for who they are and don't demand they behave in a certain way. If it turns out they can't have children don't tell them how disappointed you are and certainly don't say it doesn't matter because you've adopted someone else's children as your grandchildren. I've had 2 nightmare MILs...haven't seen the current one for 3 years because she did one of the above and ex-MIL did the other.

Feilin · 18/01/2018 20:53

Oh mil is also not a parent who molly coddles my dh she is very quick to tell him off even now. Usually makes me laugh.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/01/2018 20:55

Exactly Bertrand. Like I said, it's not a one way street believe it or not.

gttia · 18/01/2018 21:12

My mil is lovely.
She is welcoming, and accepts me and my children. She never interferes, she is supportive. I enjoy her company and always try to include her when we have my sd. She's just a lovely lady

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2018 21:42

The perfect MiL exists only to serve. She waits, silently, in the wings until her DiL needs her for something, and which point she is grateful to help. Having completed her task she disappears silently into the wings again and waits patiently to be needed once more. She is generous with her time, lavish with her money, understands instinctively that her place in the family is a lowly one. She has no opinions about anything, ever, and places no demands.

Tempting prospect, isnt it?

mercurymaze · 18/01/2018 21:43

just be the woman you are

Flip

1 2 3 4 5