To ask what a perfect Mil would be like?

[Bluelady]

As I'm about to become one and see them getting so much flak here, please tell me how I should behave so I don't piss my dil off. Serious question.

Be kind. I'm a firm believer that being kind solves many things if not most. Doasyouwouldbedoneby kind of thing. But you don't say how well you know your DIL-to-be. The relationship is possibly made by now. Be aware that you can't to anything about her perceptions of you or how she behaves. I had a DIL that I couldn't please no matter what I did. What I did yesterday would be wrong today and I was expected to be a mindreader. Surprisingly, I'm not.

This is an interesting one. I had a great MIL in some ways, but she was also horrendous in others. Support when asked, don't intrude, don't offer opinions unless asked, and then be tactful. Take time to get to know your DIL as an individual, not just as part of your son's life. Be a friend to her. Ask how she is when you speak to your son, care about her feelings. Try not to let disapproval show.

Give them space, but be there if they need something, within reason.

I realise now that my MIL saved my life in a lot of ways. She had us to stay for long periods and did everything for us. She wasn't a great grandmother and she didn't have much interest in me as a person, but she offered a sanctuary and a rest, and that was incredibly important. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time.

Just treat your DIL like a friend. An adult friend.

Don't bitch about your dil to your friends then, when she overhears you, pretend you were talking about a different person with the same unusual name that you've just never mention before. Don't resent your dil because your DS takes more notice of her than you. Don't try and play dil's off against each other. We talk. Don't write dil's off as pointless if they can't/won't provide you with grandchildren. yes mil, I'm looking at you

My MIL is perfect.

We have different backgrounds and different views, but she loves our family and we love hers. I don’t mind that her world view is different to mine, and I don’t take offence easily and nor does she as we know that we don’t mean to offend each other.

I wish my MIL had taken the time to get to know me as a separate person in their own right, instead of someone who was just supposed to slot in with the families entrenched way of being and doing things.

Consequently I don't think that she really knows the real me at all and we are not close.

I had a difficult MIL (she has passed now) but I would have been very open to having a good relationship with her. She didn't have a great relationship with my OH either though.

Thinking back over the mothers of my long-term exes, it's easy to imagine which ones would have been great MILs and which ones would have been difficult. The difficult ones were stand-offish or cold, made me feel like they were constantly sizing me up on "performance" as their precious son's partner, and didn't really take an interest in my life outside of our direct interactions.

The nice ones were warm, interested in me as a person and thoughtful. In fact I am still in touch with the mother of my longest-term ex (who has also stayed a friend) and she has maintained an interest in my life (remembering my birthday, congratulating on significant life events, etc) for over a decade!

Kindness
Offer to help with children
Get to know her properly
Never lecture but offer advice if asked
Enjoy your time together
Be complimentary if you genuinely like her home/ shoes etc
Be supportive in times of need

Just as you would a good friend

A bit like mine. She welcomes us with open arms but doesn't make visits herself, happily babysits yet has her own life away from us and the grandchildren and is generous to a fault. She is also a good cook.
I would prefer it if she was also rich and had some holiday homes we could use...

Mine was amazing , she honestly was like my second Mum. I loved her for over thirty years. Sadly she died of cancer.

We had many differences, but we respected each others choices and it never became an issue.

She always respected me as a Mum in my own right, never told me what to do or how to do it. As a result I always asked her for help and advice and she willingly gave it.

When I was poorly she’d do my dishes, when I was unable she’d watch my children.

She would always pop in to help, but never outstay her welcome.

Towards the end I nursed her for many years and I miss her so much.

My mum is a great MIL. Treats her DILs with respect, never interferes or tells them how to raise their children. Gives my DBs a kick up the arse and calls them out for their shit if they’re being bad husbands. She’ll generally stick up for DILs more than her sons. Always remembers birthdays and buys thoughtful gifts, and is always grateful for whatever gifts she gets from DB and SIL (as it’s usally SIL buying these and putting the thought into it!). She’s overall a lovely lady, and gets on with my DH like he’s her own son. No awkwardness, and they generally poke fun at each other a lot! It’s really nice to see.
I wish I had a good relationship with my MIL, and I’m a bit jealous of the pp’s on here who have amazing MILs. I think my relationship with my MIL is sour because of how she is as a person. OP If you’re asking this question then I think your heart is definitely in the right place, and you’ll be just fine

Echoing the advice on here. Be kind, respect her home and privacy. If anything not good happens, bite your tongue and ask how they are/feel (I can't fully get on with my MIL after she asked what I did to cause a miscarriage). Ask about her interests and don't mention babies. If she has kids, remember that they are not yours so don't do whatever you like. Remember parenting advice has changed a lot over the years so follow their lead (even if you don't agree). If she already has DC don't treat them differently to any DGC.

My mil was totally lovely. She treated me like one of her daughters from the moment we met. She was always very proud of her son and treated me the same way as she did him. Just like a member of the family.

Just don't be a dick. Don't set situations up as a power struggle, and don't expect your DIL to take on emotional labour you wouldn't expect of a man.

Some years ago a poster on MN said that the best advice she has been given was to
‘ keep your mouth shut, your purse open and wear beige’

Me !!!😇😇

Oh and don't bitch about other people. This Christmas my SIL & MIL had a big bitchfest about their uncles new girlfriend who was overweight and her eating habits (but absolutely lovely and makes him happy). They wondered why I (someone else who is overweight) didn't want to eat much over the weekend. I just ended up wondering what they say about me when I'm not there.

My MIL is great. So great I agreed to the PIL moving into my annexe when they wanted to downsize. She is caring and kind but extremely careful not to offer opinions on important things unless asked. She is open and chatty, checks on how we are doing and never pushes herself on us. She adores her only grandchild (my ds) but still doesn't hover or interfere. Good luck

I could never, ever wear beige. Not even if it was the only colour they made clothes in.

Be kind, be respectful and take time to get to know your child and their partner as adults, not children.

And ffs, that is not the same thing as being flawless. It's just doing your best to be a decent human being.

"Kindness
Offer to help with children
Get to know her properly
Never lecture but offer advice if asked
Enjoy your time together
Be complimentary if you genuinely like her home/ shoes etc
Be supportive in times of need"

This is all well and good if you have a DIL that you like and gives you the respect and support you afford her.

It's not a one way thing.

Exactly as the above poster. No one expect perfection from their MIL.
Kindness and respect seems to be a common thread here.

Like my DMil.

She doesn't try to replace my mum, but because she is so lovely she kind of does.

We chat by text and email a lot. She shares recipes with me and brings me cakes she has made to try out. She adores her granddaughter but has never demanded contact, she does hint though

Her own mum was a nightmare, so we compare toxic mum stories.

I still try to phone my own mum when I am in need though. I dont know why because she is shit and I really should call DMil instead, but somehow my brain doesn't work like that

DMil used to call her DMil "mum" and I hope one day I get to that stage when I finally give up on my DM

I think the PPs who say just be a friend have it right.

From what I read on MN the trouble seems to be when the Mil expects to be treated like a parent by the Dil.

Accept that your relationship is adult to adult, not parent to child like it is with your son, then you can't go far wrong.

My own mum is rubbish but, much as I love her, DMil is not my mum. And thank fuck for that

Saysomethingnice that's great advice! You've summed it up.