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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd gift her old phone to her BF?

43 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 18:42

Wasn’t sure if this is a AIBU?

Dd is 14 in a few days, last year I bought her a 2nd hand iPhone for £100, for her birthday this year I have upgraded her phone onto a contract and the next iPhone up. She has asked me f she can give her old phone to her boyfriend as he doesn’t have a very good phone. I feel a bit awkward about it as it’s quite an expensive item to gift and dd could have sold it on eBay and got herself £50 back. Dd says that her boyfriend didn’t get much for Christmas as his family don’t have much money (I don’t think that’s true). So AIBU to say ‘no’ or should I let her decide what to do as technically it’s her phone?

OP posts:
K1092902 · 17/01/2018 18:44

Let her decide. Could turn out to be a lesson in life that she need a to learn and doing it at 14 is better than doing it at say 25.

LineysRuff · 17/01/2018 18:46

I'd say no, because she'll regret it when they break up in five minutes' time.

Pseudousername · 17/01/2018 18:49

I'd explain why I don't think it's a great idea but let her make the call. It's her stuff.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 18:49

I’m worried that his family will be offended, or maybe they don’t want him to have a iPhone?

Not too worried about them splitting up, they have been best friends for a few years and officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 6 months. I do think it’s a bit cheeky of him to ask her if he can have her old phone though?

OP posts:
Bellamuerte · 17/01/2018 18:51

I'd say no because it's an expensive item to gift to a teenage boyfriend who she'll probably break up with shortly.

ThisLittleKitty · 17/01/2018 18:52

I would say no.

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 18:53

YANBU at all. I would be saying no too in your position.

This may be irrelevant, but I'll say anyway. When I was this age I had a long term boyfriend who came from a low income family, with a very unstable home life, who was quite vulnerable in lots of ways. My parents, being the kind souls they are, offered lots and lots of support, including incidentally a phone contract in their name that he requested, agreed to pay monthly, then later refused to pay and landed them with the entirety of it. When things broke down even further at his home he moved in with my family and totally took the situation for granted and caused endless trouble. Long story short, the relationship went spectacularly tits up, when he cheated on me with my bestfriend as teenage relationships often do, and my parents were left out of pocket and very pissed off.

I know that my experience is worst case scenario, and it's a million miles away from the giving of an old phone, but this is where things can escalate if they aren't nipped in the bud. I wish my parents had just said no the first time he needed help. I wouldn't say this to them now, but I wish my parents had done less of the 'cool parents trying to be friends' thing and more boundaries and guidance.

Stick to your guns.

Is the request definitely coming from your daughter and not him?

RowenasDiadem · 17/01/2018 18:55

I wouldn't let my daughter do that.

EduCated · 17/01/2018 18:56

Is there any possibility he’s had a smartphone confiscated/his parents don’t want him to have one for whatever reason?

khajiit13 · 17/01/2018 18:57

I'd say no.

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 19:00

Also, thinking about the possibility for 'illicit' communication if they both have iPhones, e.g. sexting and snapchat, could that be the reason he's asking for the phone?

I'm surprised he's asked for the old phone to be honest, i'd be really annoyed if my DC asked that of a GF/BF and their parents. You shouldn't have been put in this situation in the first place, but then teens don't think like that I suppose.

ChoudeBruxelles · 17/01/2018 19:01

Who’s phone is it? If it’s hers then surely it’s up to her.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 19:22

I have said to her that I don’t think it’s a good idea. She says he does have a basic mobile phone. As far as I know his parents are not low earners, they are separated and he lives with his dad and siblings, dd said that they might get kicked out of their rented house soon as they don’t keep it tidy (obviously more to it than dd knows).

I have met the boy a few times and he has always seemed really nice so I was shocked that he asked dd for her old phone.

It is her phone as I gave it to her for her birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 19:24

They don’t use snapchat and there’s no sexting, dd has Aspergers and I think he possibly does too, there relationship doesn’t even involve holding hands let alone sexting Grin
They talk over Skype and video chat but it’s mainly doing homework or talking about geeky stuff.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 17/01/2018 19:32

Hold on, did he ask for it as per your PP or did you DP just ask if he could have it? There’s a difference, the latter being she just wants to do a nice thing for her boyfriend. The first being a rather cheeky request.

If you’re worried about offending parents talk to them about it? Explain to DD that if she gives him it she can’t expect it back at any point etc. For what it’s worth not all teenage relationships are so fickle as other posters are suggesting. I was with my teenage boyfriend from 13-19, but it’s worth mentioning that once it’s gone it’s so to speak.

anothernetter · 17/01/2018 19:37

He asked her for it? How cheeky! You are DNBU. I would get her to sell it on EBay. She can use the money she gets for the old one towards something else she would like.

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 19:41

They don’t use snapchat and there’s no sexting, dd has Aspergers and I think he possibly does too, there relationship doesn’t even involve holding hands let alone sexting

Ah. Well does somewhat change the picture. Apologies, I assumed they were neurotypical teens. I still would say no, though. It's an expensive gift, and something about it just feels wrong to me.

Rachie1973 · 17/01/2018 19:44

Is it her phone? Did you 'give' it to her? If so I would say it's hers to do as she pleases with.

My teens phone is 'mine', quite deliberately. The phone forms part of the contract in my name so it obviously gives me the rights to look and examine it if I feel the need

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 19:49

The phone was bought as a gift sim free, her new phone is contract in my name.

As far as I’m aware dd told her bf she was getting a new phone and he then asked if he could have her old one.

I had a look on eBay and the phone is worth £50-£60 which is a lot of money to me. I would rather she sold it and used the money to go towards days out (she keeps asking to go to the cinema or trampoline park).

OP posts:
FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 19:54

Then do that. will DD be hugely bothered about BF not having it once she sees the benefits of selling it?

Nomorechickens · 17/01/2018 19:59

So she effectively wants to give him £50-£60 (less ebay fees)? Not a great idea.
Maybe she could sell it to him for say £40?

Noloudnoises · 17/01/2018 20:03

Do you have insurance on the new phone? I only say as I don't as i think it's a good idea to hang onto the old one in case something goes wrong with the new one (or it gets lost etc). Then you can order a new sim and get it up and running again. I speak from experience! 🙄

User14356 · 17/01/2018 20:05

Point out that if her iPhone breaks she won’t have a spare.

19lottie82 · 17/01/2018 20:05

If it’s her phone and she wants to give it to him then what’s the problem?

If it cost £100 a year ago it can’t be worth much now.

alimaggieleggie · 17/01/2018 20:07

Why not suggest to dd that the boyfriend could buy the phone if he wants it.

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