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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let dd gift her old phone to her BF?

43 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2018 18:42

Wasn’t sure if this is a AIBU?

Dd is 14 in a few days, last year I bought her a 2nd hand iPhone for £100, for her birthday this year I have upgraded her phone onto a contract and the next iPhone up. She has asked me f she can give her old phone to her boyfriend as he doesn’t have a very good phone. I feel a bit awkward about it as it’s quite an expensive item to gift and dd could have sold it on eBay and got herself £50 back. Dd says that her boyfriend didn’t get much for Christmas as his family don’t have much money (I don’t think that’s true). So AIBU to say ‘no’ or should I let her decide what to do as technically it’s her phone?

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 17/01/2018 20:12

Just take the old phone back. No discussion. Either sell it or keep it for when one of you needs a spare. Or tell her she can sell it to her bf for market price. She should not be giving expensive gifts at her age.

I thought it was pretty normal to offset new phone purchase with sale of old. Like a car. Its just smaller amounts of money involved but its still just as cheeky:

Oh youve got a new car, can i have your old one ? 😁

sonjadog · 17/01/2018 20:18

If she really wants him to have it, how about she could offer it to him for a bit less than it would get on eBay? Then she does a nice thing, without it being too nice...

EasterRobin · 17/01/2018 20:38

It's her phone, so surely she can dispose of it however she likes now she has no further use for it. As long as she knows she could sell it for £50, it seems like this is her call to make.

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/01/2018 20:45

Do you mean give?

Crumbs1 · 17/01/2018 20:47

I think she’s being rather sweet. Of course it could be sold. Of course they probably won’t last but at the moment it’s her phone and she wants to give it to him. I think I’d let her do so.

Weezol · 17/01/2018 20:50

As Educated said, he may not be allowed a smartphone by his parents for good reasons so I wouldn't pass it on in case it undermines them.

I see no problem taking it back and selling it if the cash would help you out.

scrabbler3 · 17/01/2018 20:53

My instinct would be to say no but on reflection I think that it's your daughter's call and that if it is indeed a mistake, it's a lesson learned and she'll be more cautious in future. Better an iPhone to this boyfriend now, than a hefty sum of money (for example) to a boyfriend when she's 20.

NoFucksImAQueen · 17/01/2018 22:26

Its her phone so I'd say it's her choice. I'd tell her what you've said here. Could sell it for x and have money for days out or she'll lose a spare if new one breaks etc, if she still wants to then she'll have to go without but it'll be her choice

Aeroflotgirl · 17/01/2018 22:32

He asked her for the phone, Mabey she feels she has to give it to him. I woukd tell her to tell him, that mum won't let her as its her phone.

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 18/01/2018 15:43

She excepted that I wasn’t going to let her give him the phone and she told him that I will be selling it as the money is quite a lot to us at the moment. He has now suggested that he buys the phone off her which is fine.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 18/01/2018 16:27

I don’t get why so much concern. It’s her old phone, why should she be selling it for money rather than thinking oh x might like to use it? Does she have to sell everything she doesn’t use any more for money? At a few years older everyone will have spare phones and swap them like sweaters at least in girlfriend groups. But you should check with the parents on whether he’s allowed I guess.

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 18/01/2018 16:33

time dd doesn’t really have any concept of money, doesn’t seem to understand that I go to work to earn it, I guess she has been a bit spoilt. I do try and teach her about money and what things are worth. I have already bought her a camera for her birthday, the new phone wasn’t really planned but I saw a good deal (contract) so go it for her. She has now asked for a trip to Pizza Hut with her friends but I can’t afford it, if she sells the phone then she could put the money towards a trip out with her friends rather than giving the phone away. I feel tight not being able to take her and her friends out for her birthday but she chose to have a camera which cost more than what I usually spend on birthdays.

At the moment £50 is a lot of money to us and I want her to realise that. She has sold things on eBay in the past when she has wanted something new.

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 18/01/2018 16:34

I think it would be massively weird to offer to sell it to her boyfriend. Why would it somehow be better if he gave her forty quid for it?

Can you pinpoint exactly what it is that is making you uneasy about this, OP? You seem happy with the relationship, your DD isn't going without a phone in order for her BF to have one, nor is she 'buying' his attention or planning to do anything inappropriate when they both have phones (sexting, etc).

I suppose I don't get why you would rather she sold the phone and spent the money on trampolining or something. At the end of the day, what difference does it make? Apart from the fact that her boyfriend won't have a phone and some random who had forty quid to give her does.

SendintheArdwolves · 18/01/2018 16:37

Ah, I see....you feel like she is insufficiently grateful about the money you spend on her.

You are a bit peeved that she has a new phone, a new camera, wants a meal out with her friends and, to top it off, she is happy just to give away what amounts to forty quid to her boyfriend.

Welcome to teenagers.

sinceyouask · 18/01/2018 16:37

I'd say fine, I think this is a bad idea but it's up to you.

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 18/01/2018 16:46

Because she wants to go out for her birthday, I can’t afford to take her and her friends out, the money from the phone could pay for it?

I’m actually quite skint at the moment, have had several unexpected bills to pay and I have a 14 year old nagging me because I can’t afford to spent anymore on her birthday. I am a single parent working hard to try and provide what I can for my dc’s, struggling to buy food and she wants to give away a £50 phone to someone that rudely asked her if he could have it.

Why is it wrong to teach my daughter that not everything in life is given too you for free?

He has offered to pay for it, I did not suggest he payed for it. Dd told him that I wanted to sell the phone on eBay, he said he will pay for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 18/01/2018 16:46

Because she wants to go out for her birthday, I can’t afford to take her and her friends out, the money from the phone could pay for it?

Why is it wrong to teach my daughter that not everything in life is given too you for free?

He has offered to pay for it, I did not suggest he payed for it. Dd told him that I wanted to sell the phone on eBay, he said he will pay for it.

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 18/01/2018 17:04

Why is it wrong to teach my daughter that not everything in life is given too you for free?

Wow, dramatic much?

Instilling an appreciation of how much things cost is a long battle with teenagers - I'm not sure it ever really sinks in until they are ready for it to.

I can feel that you're angry, but maybe buying her an expensive camera, a brand new phone "because it was a good deal" and then saying you can't afford to take her out for her birthday and if she wants to she'll have to sell something is sending a bit of a mixed message?

Look, either you can afford to take her out (and with good grace, not because she nagged) or you can't. But do or don't - don't let yourself be nagged and wheedled and then feel all matryish about it.

FWIW, as a kid I never nagged my mother to buy me things because it simply didn't work. She was un-naggable. I understood that if we couldn't afford it, we couldn't afford it - because that was the way it was.

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