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Original poster

SAHM/Homemakers - What do you do all day?

996 replies

Fruem · 16/01/2018 20:31

Those who choose to be a SAHM/homemaker, who don’t ‘have’ to work, what do you do all day?!

I’m talking the SAHM’s who don’t work from home. Who don’t have to look after the kids all day etc.

If you’ve done cleaning/washing/shopping etc. How do you fill your day?

OP posts:
speakout · 21/01/2018 08:46

strongmummy I don;t see anyone complaining.

Even the SAHM who are in the position through lack of choice- children with health problems etc seem not to be complaining.

Strongmummy · 21/01/2018 08:47

However, many women who are working DO NOT find it fulfilling!!! They do it coz they have to. Just as many women who are at home don’t find it fulfilling, they do it because of circumstance. And many women who stay at home are not busy concentrating on what fulfills THEM. If you are a SAHM and you are filling your days doing the stuff you want to, that benefits only you, that you are finding fulfillment in then that’s amazing, but be self aware enough to realise others may think you are really not that busy vs someone who has to work to put food on the table

Maireadplastic · 21/01/2018 08:49

Totally agree, Miaow. My first reaction to OP's question was 'Why?'.

I've done both, by the way, and my question to OP is simply- why do you want to know?!

speakout · 21/01/2018 08:53

But even those who are not earning are supporting their family.

OH and I work as a team.OH works away a lot. Bearing the burden of childcare and housework allows him to be a parent and relax with his family when he is home.
I choose to work only 15 hours a week because I love to homemake.

moochypooch · 21/01/2018 08:55

Strong is it SAHMs complaining about WOHMs attitude towards them? Is that what the complaining you are referring to?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/01/2018 08:57

I had a job which was often rewarding and stimulating, although as with all jobs, there were parts of it I really disliked. It gave me money and social value but I still for the most part prefer sah. I like that dh and I don't have to balance full on careers and all the child stuff. It was the reason I felt I could have 4 dc instead of 2 (I know there are people with big families and full on jobs but I think we would have struggled to give everyone the time and attention they need).

I think it's lovely MrsGloop that you have found what works for you, but different things work for other people - I don't want to be busy all the time, balancing everything. Dh and I are a team and we have divvied up the labour according to our strengths and interests. I think an issue for you is that your dh didn't really value what you were doing, took your emotional support and the mental load you took on, for granted and saw it as something he could pay an assistant to do, which imo was short sighted and wrong.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/01/2018 09:03

Strong just to point out that a)no one has complained and b) you seem to have voluntarily traded more free time for 'lifestyle'. Your post doesn't imply you have been forced into anything against your will. Why do you sound so bitter?

Strongmummy · 21/01/2018 09:13

The original post (which I agree is goady) asked what SAHMs do with their time. This was followed by women describing how they go to coffee mornings, write novels, go to the gym and complaining why they need to justify their time. They don’t. Not at all. But don’t expect when women who work, or are at home doing things that don’t fulfill them ask the question and are baffled when they encounter those women in real life and they complain they’re busy, eg my SIL!!!!

thedcbrokemybank · 21/01/2018 09:16

However, many women who are working DO NOT find it fulfilling!!! They do it coz they have to. Just as many women who are at home don’t find it fulfilling, they do it because of circumstance

And your point is? I'm sure the same can be said of people in and out of work. You can not blanket groups of people based on how they live.
These threads always end up the same. Ultimately we all have different lives either through circumstance, choice or both. No one has any right to demean another's life circumstances just because they are different to their own.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 21/01/2018 09:18

I’m not a SAHM great if you can afford to not need to work. However, after having children then going back to work I know if I didn’t need to work I’d have plenty to fill my day if I was a SAHM. The school day is so short. I don’t work one day a week and it flies by. Wish I had a couple of days at home.

PasstheStarmix · 21/01/2018 09:19

My Mum had a career, she worked long hours and as a child I really missed her and I really craved her attention and that was while I was attending school - pathetic as it sounds it still hurts, it runs deep, she was always busy, busy at work and then always busy at home too, she spoke about loving her work, it was the only time she seemed happy. She worked to get away from child rearing and even as a child, I knew this was the case and so how I felt about my Mum working was part of the reason I wanted to be there for my kids. Dad worked too of course but he took time to do stuff with us, day trips, cinema, swimming - mum took those opportunities to stay at home to have more time to escape being a parent and because of course she was too busy to spend time with us. So I didn't find my mother to be much of an inspiration - her career was everything to her but didn't see that in a positive light at all.

It’s interesting to hear the opposite experience from my own yet in a way similar. I similarly really craved my Mother’s attention but she was a home maker. I watched her confidence and self worth dwindle over the years (she worked when me and my siblings were small and was a much happier person) and she became all about decorating and cooking. She didn’t have any friends. Depression set in and she was emotionally unavailable for me growing up. She was there but she wasn’t if that makes sense.
On the other hand my DF was stuck in a job he hated and deeply unhappy there aswell and though early retirement would cure him. It didn’t.
I feel there are lots happy as a SAHM and lots happy in their jobs but also vice versa. It depends on your personality type as to what suits I suppose and even then it can be difficult.

Strongmummy · 21/01/2018 09:22

And to confirm I have very much chosen my lifestyle and I’m not bitter (altho I do wish I could keep the lifestyle we have and not work so I could indulge my hobbies.) however, I realise I live a charmed life, which I made clear in my first post. I’m incredibly blessed. The lack of self awareness from some SAHMs who fill their days with their own indulgence is staggering.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 09:28

The lack of self awareness from some SAHMs who fill their days with their own indulgence is staggering.

And, by contrast, WOHM are practically prefect in every way.

This thread has gone exactly the way I knew it would.

thedcbrokemybank · 21/01/2018 09:32

Lack of self awareness isn't reserved just for SAHMs you know. It's your reaction to it that makes a difference.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/01/2018 10:18

I meant, why are you so bitter towards sahm? You chose your life, you have less free time but you seem to have willingly exchanged that for greater income. Why sound so riled about sahm who chose something different?

I don't think any sahp on this thread has claimed to be more busy than a wohp who then has to come home and do all the house stuff. But sahp have every right to say they are busy too, if they feel they are (busy just means being active all day, having stuff to do, it doesn't have to be something you consider to be of value) without someone else getting all riled and judgy about it. People have different lives - I imagine there are some wohp out there who only do their jobs and can afford to outsource the domestic work. Would they not be allowed to say they were busy? Why would you care, if you are happy with your own choices?

TalarDome · 21/01/2018 10:29

I spend most days making time for myself.

I go to pilates twice a week, I run three times a week, I have a personal trainer once a week, I’ve joined a local spa and go there with a friend one day a fortnight where we go for a long run around the beautiful grounds then we have a lovely lunch then we steam/sauna/jacuzzi/swim followed by a treatment (usually a facial or a massage).

I have a cleaner and gardener and I send the ironing out. My house is far from immaculate but I don’t care.

I almost never have time to Mumsnet. Wink

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/01/2018 10:30

Weird that isnt it soup

And it started so well i thought

I have days when i am rushed off my feet and days when i just see friends for coffee

Weirdly i used to have (and still do) have chilled out work days and workdays which were very busy

Personally I wouldn't tell a working friend that my coffees days are busy, but days which are stressful or i am running round...fuck yeah i will say it

Tullula · 21/01/2018 10:35

Jealousy and guilt dominate this thread

Mmest75 · 21/01/2018 11:22

Last post I think your right ...
I also don’t feel like I need to justify what I do ..
I never say oh I’m just a ...
I look after my family, the home and all that goes with it ... and yes some days are easier than others.

waterlego6064 · 21/01/2018 11:42

I’m not sure about the lack of self awareness.

Personally, I don’t make a habit of telling people that I don’t need to work as it would sound very smug. If it comes up in conversation, then I tell people I don’t work and then I squirm a lot becauseI know they think I’m a lazy, pampered princess.

I’n very aware of how lucky my situation is, so I make a habit of trying not to talk about it in public!

diodati · 21/01/2018 11:57

My DD has (usually) nocturnal epilepsy and after a seizure, she's of course post-ictal and needs to rest/sleep. She can't go to school, nor can she stay at home alone. So I'm dependent on child allowance from XH and the generosity of my parents. DS has severe ADHD so I'm needed to help him with his homework, organise his time and to calm him when he kicks off. I'm doing a degree in painting but fortunately I only have classes on Monday.

TT10677 · 21/01/2018 11:58

I'm obviously doing something wrong then but I do have three under three. I barely have time to have a wee and regularly miss lunch as I forget!! Literally I can't remember if I have or haven't had lunch most days. My day is filled with feeding children, dressing, changing, occupying, trying to get them to nap, making dinner for everyone, cleaning, washing - sooo much washing!, tidying etc etc and my house is def not spotless, then there's appointments, house/car maintenance that or something needs sorting or arranging, it's endless. Maybe once they start school there will be time for lunch and peeing... GrinBlush

TalarDome · 21/01/2018 12:11

I guessed you probably only wanted to hear the cliched things that play into your good cop bad cop narrative.

gillybeanz · 21/01/2018 12:14

So do you guys give your husbands a couple of hours each day to do things he would enjoy as well? Or do you expect him to share the load once he is at home? Because you are not sharing in the earning .........

I didn't see it like this when a sahm, as I was contributing to the not spending.
Not having to pay for childcare for 3 over the many years we'd have needed it, allowed us to buy another house that provides an income.
You cut your cloth accordingly and reap the benefits many years later.
It worked for us as we semi retired at 50, I say semi as dh loves his work, it isn't a job and he can pick and choose what he does and when, depending on how much money we need.

VileyRose · 21/01/2018 13:01

Im not sharing in the earning either, but I wouldn't expect to do the childcare all night too just because he needs a break!

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