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Original poster

SAHM/Homemakers - What do you do all day?

996 replies

Fruem · 16/01/2018 20:31

Those who choose to be a SAHM/homemaker, who don’t ‘have’ to work, what do you do all day?!

I’m talking the SAHM’s who don’t work from home. Who don’t have to look after the kids all day etc.

If you’ve done cleaning/washing/shopping etc. How do you fill your day?

OP posts:
speakout · 18/01/2018 18:00

U2HasTheEdge yes I too had lots of free time which was a priviledge.

Although I had constraints which made working impossible, it did give me a huge opportunity - the time and headspace to start a business working from home.
Had I gone back to working for an employer I don't think I would ever have become self employed.
So a real silver lining.

speakout · 18/01/2018 18:01

THanks starmix

Pagwatch · 18/01/2018 18:03

G1itterati

That's exactly the problem with threads like this and why so many people respond imediately by taking the piss.
People's lives are complicated and we are mostly just doing our best with whatever circumstances life has thrown at us.

The determination by people to judge why someone might be at home, whether the decision they made according to what they saw as best for their family suits their definition of acceptable or not, is such a pile of crap.

Posters end up listing their endless chores or their voluntary work or explaining that they had depression or they were laid off work and it became easier to be at home - all so that judgy arses don't sit assessing whether their reason is ok or not.

People's lives are complicated. Looking in from the outside and deciding if how you make your family work for the members of it is bollocks

foolserrand · 18/01/2018 18:08

Do the nursery/school run with the dog, then walk him for 2 hours until Nursery releases smallest dc.

Home, wash the dog (he's a filthy little fucker Grin), make lunch, 2.5 hours of housework (but we've just moved so I expect this will reduce dramatically soon!). Then it's school run time.

Dc crafts while I do housework or watches a film. She's a very happy, easy child.

Chienrouge · 18/01/2018 18:11

People's lives are complicated. Looking in from the outside and deciding if how you make your family work for the members of it is bollocks

Exactly. And despite this, people seem to think that someone’s sole value/worth comes from how much they earn or how many hours you spend working/doing housework. There is so much more to people and their lives than that.
6 months before I had DC1 my brother died (in his 20’s). It kind of alters your perspective, and made me realise that the 12 hours a day at work and the 50k salary wasn’t actually the be all and end all. But why should I have to tell people this for it to be deemed acceptable for me to be a SAHM?

stopgap · 18/01/2018 18:11

Walk dogs
Gym
Volunteer at school/non-profit
Work on my novel (I have a literary agent, so it feels like a legitimate venture).
Read
See friends
Host play dates

My youngest is only in preschool three mornings, so honestly most of my time is still spent with him.

Pagwatch · 18/01/2018 18:24

Chienrouge

I'm so sorry about your brother. Condolences

I'll tell you what else is interesting - this is another thing where women are judged in a way that men are not.

All the time I was at home - nearly twenty years altogether- I got asked about what I did all day with the air of judgement that you read on here.

My DH retired in his 40s. Whenever he was asked about his job and said that he had stopped he got nothing but congratulations and slaps on the back.
We were both in the same financial situation and had the same reason to be at home (we could afford to be, we could not do our jobs locally and wanted to be on hand for our families particular needs ) but he was considered brilliant and I was always regarded as a sponger.

splendide · 18/01/2018 18:59

Yes Pagwatch, I agree. Men can do what suits them generally. Although I guess my DH gets somewhat judged for not working. Mostly by mine and his mothers.

Chattymummyhere · 18/01/2018 19:02

Well once the toddler starts school.

Do the house work, sort out all the washing, walk the bastard dogs, tend the chickens, tend the allotment, prep meals.

AmazingGrace47 · 18/01/2018 19:02

I remember someone calling me a 'a lady of leisure' when I had three young children. I was speechless.

Misty9 · 18/01/2018 19:06

I have found this to be a very interesting thread and am thankful it (mostly) hasn't descended into the usual bunfight such questions often lead to.

I think it's a very good point about how to find a sense of self-worth that is not directly linked to paid work or what you contribute to the economy. A quest I am about to embark upon, again. Having read the responses here I will feel less guilty about the 2 days dd is in nursery and I will try to use them to my own benefit (which indirectly benefits my family).

Megs4x3 · 18/01/2018 19:10

When I was a SAHM, which was admittedly many years ago, I cooked from scratch, baked, made all the children's clothes, renovated/decorated the house we lived in and lots of other stuff. I also had time to read, go to shops at quiet times, help out at school and a few other voluntary things. There was never a minute to go to work. When I did eventually get paid employment as the DC's got older, most of the sewing, cooking and decorating had to go by the board, along with a lot of the voluntary work, I had to shop on a Saturday (miserable) and I didn't have a minute to myself - and overall it cost me more than I was making.

keepsakebox · 18/01/2018 19:44

AmazingGrace47 I get it all the time too, it just shows how ignorant / envious they are. I am proud of my decision to be a SAHM because I can see how it benefits my family. But it was my own personal choice and I understand mums who choose differently, or in many cases don't have the luxury of choice. I'm in awe of mums who work and run their households, organise DCs' life and still find time to eat and shower Grin

PasstheStarmix · 18/01/2018 20:21

I’m on 12 months maternity leave at the moment and I’ve found it quite hard. I know a lot of SAHM’s are very social and go for coffee, lunches, lots of play dates and are on the PTA. I think if you’re not it can be quite isolating. I’m looking forward to going back to work (only part time though) as that will be all I need to keep me going!

blahblahblah12 · 18/01/2018 20:30

I think it's a very good point about how to find a sense of self-worth that is not directly linked to paid work or what you contribute to the economy.

I really agree with this. Before kids my identity was very much tied up in my career & without work I struggle to have that outlet of being me as opposed to X’s mum. I don’t think I have anything to prove it’s for my own benefit if that makes sense.

gillybeanz · 18/01/2018 20:39

I have always struggled to understand the identity argument whether it be identity through a job/career or losing it when someone is on mat leave or leaves their job.

I suppose it's because I have never felt the need to have an identity of some description.
I feel the same when someone asks about independence, i feel like asking from what.
It would be very boring if we all felt the same.

PasstheStarmix · 18/01/2018 20:43

blahblahblah12 I can see how the struggle with identity could take place the longer you’re a SAHM as well; I watched it happen to a close relative and it wasn’t good as she lost all of her confidence and self worth. I think it depends on the person and individual circumstance. For me personally I don’t have a lot of support and I miss adult interaction which helped me make my decision to go back to work and I also know if you’re out of work too long it can be difficult to get back into it. I’m also sick of cooking and cleaning and running around and want a day where I can wear nice clothes and not be touched all of the time! I’m also leaving DH in charge one day as he thinks being off with baby is a breeze.

PasstheStarmix · 18/01/2018 20:44

Not so much identity crisis but more confidence I think*

blahblahblah12 · 18/01/2018 21:14

I think it depends on the person and individual circumstance

Yep I agree, not everyone will feel the same or should. I’m not sure why my career & identity were/are so linked perhaps because I loved it or the industry I worked in (creative) has been an interest since I was young. My dad could of retired young but still wanted to work so maybe it’s genetic? Lots of men suffer too eg redundancy or when they retire.

Yes I miss adult environments & I have found when I’m at work my mind can wonder & think as it’s not full of “boil the kettle, make the milk, prepare lunch, where’s DC1, is DC2 crying” etc.

I’m no longer in my career but trying to plan out a new one. I don’t necessarily have to work for financial reasons but I like it.

Also a big fear of mine is taking time out & not getting back in. Times are different now, look at how many good graduates struggle, how technology has changed, how the marketing & comms industries have changed. Unless you have a particular skill eg law, nursing, teaching etc I thinks its really hard to keep your skills up to date & walk back into the work environment after some years out.

lurkingnotlurking · 18/01/2018 21:17

Personally, I'm having the time of my life. It's hard, at times it's overwhelming, but I get to spend all my time with my gorgeous little children and that is so wonderful. I'll go back to work in a few years and expect a bit of discrimination initially but it'll be fine. I'm sure of it.

StealthPolarBear · 18/01/2018 21:19

"Today 19:02 AmazingGrace47

I remember someone calling me a 'a lady of leisure' when I had three young children. I was speechless."
I can only assume there must be another meaning of the word 'leisure' :o

blahblahblah12 · 18/01/2018 21:19

Just to clarify not bashing SAHMs. I have had extended mat leaves with both DCs & worked either 2 or 3 days since. 3.30 comes around suprisingly quickly.

PasstheStarmix · 18/01/2018 21:32

I'll go back to work in a few years and expect a bit of discrimination initially but it'll be fine. I'm sure of it.

That’s what my friend thought but going back was very tough. It took her ages to get anything because she’d been out of the working environment so long her skills weren’t current anymore. She lost her standing in her career and had to start at the very bottom and even then it was difficult as she was competing with people who had more up-to-date skills. I think if you plan on staying at home for more than a year or two with your children and going back to work then it’s worth doing something to keep your skills fresh even if it’s a job from home or some courses online or even working minimal hours.

lurkingnotlurking · 18/01/2018 21:38

Fair enough. I don't see that my PhD will need topping up though. Especially as I have no intention of going back to academia. I'd like to work in the charity or maybe corporate sectors and taking a PhD to places like these has been well-received in the past. So yes, it'll be an adjustment. But I still think it'll be fine after the first few months or a year?

slippermaiden · 18/01/2018 21:38

I work one night a week so nearly a stay at home mum! I go running/ swimming. I cook nice things. I do all the shopping, I clean, do any decorating, I have an allotment, watch programmes I have recorded that are unsuitable for kids to watch (like Silent Witness). The school day is 6 hours long, feels very short to me!