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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being unfair about her daughter

36 replies

user1485342611 · 16/01/2018 15:14

My friend's daughter (my Goddaughter) is 16 and a really lovely girl. She's got a small circle of good friends, most of who she's met through her running club, and is happy hanging around with them - going to the cinema, out for pizza etc.

However my friend is constantly agitating about the fact that she never seems to go to parties or discos, hasn't got a boyfriend, most of her friends are very quiet etc etc.

A few days ago she told me that she's worried her dd is 'not popular enough' and when I asked her what she meant it seems to boil down to the fact that she's not part of some cool crowd who are invited to everything and are 'leaders of the pack' type.

AIBU to think she's being a bit ridiculous. Her daughter is happy, has friends and an interest that takes up lots of her time. She's not up in her bedroom all day staring at a screen and refusing to go out and socialise with anyone.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 16/01/2018 15:16

Most parents would be happy their kids has nice friends to do stuff with and not put partying

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/01/2018 15:19

Why does she want her to be part of the cool crowd?

This is just weird to me

etap · 16/01/2018 15:21

Athlete in preferring to socialise with other athletes and not going to parties or get distracted with relationships shocker.

Tell the mum to stfu

KungFuEric · 16/01/2018 15:22

Was the mum part of the cool set herself?

Rewn7 · 16/01/2018 15:24

Your Goddaughter is what I hope for my DD! Nice friends, social interests but not wild like I was Blush that’s the dream.

Your friend should be proud of her DD, not finding fault.

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 15:25

It isn't that she's being unfair but doesn't everyone want their children to be confident, outgoing and popular? Don't we all want them to be invited to parties and discos?

I'd struggle to believe anyone who said otherwise.

We want out children to be happy first and foremost but I think we want the things I've mentioned as important seconds and as they aren't mutually exclusive, we want it all.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 16/01/2018 15:26

I don't think so Kungfu but she does admire people who are really extrovert and confident, and she likes eating out in 'on trend' places and that kind of thing.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 16/01/2018 15:26

My mum used to dig at me all the time for not having more friends or being v social. I always assumed she was popular as a kid herself, but one of her friends said to me that maybe mum wasn't popular as a child herself, hence the fixation on me being so.

Dunno really. Your friend is being VU, though.

whiskyowl · 16/01/2018 15:36

Wow, I feel so sorry for the girl in question. That's a really undermining thing to do to her.

MissionItsPossible · 16/01/2018 15:39

Trying to live out her not-so-popular school days through her daughter, maybe? Yes she is being massively unfair and will give her a complex. I hope she has voiced this only to you and not to the daughter's face!

Gatehouse77 · 16/01/2018 15:39

I sort of know what she means. It's nice to feel that everyone likes your children as much as you do but I am glad none of mine are in the 'cool' crowd because that seems to mainly involve alcohol, drugs and sex to varying degrees with a whole lot of bitching and heartache.

Certainly 2 of mine are still popular without being cool - they're just popular amongst the quiet, conscientious, hardworking crowd.

I know which I prefer!!

Pengggwn · 16/01/2018 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananasarethebest · 16/01/2018 15:40

I had this as a teenager. I was quite happy being introverted and bookish and my mum was constantly pushing for me to go out and be more with the 'in-crowd'. She did this because as bemusedSpectator said, parents often want their children to be confident, outgoing and popular. It took me until my mid-40s to work out that I could be confident and happy (and popular) without having to do the outgoing bit. I really wish she had just let me be as a child / teenager.

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 15:41

Jeez, she sounds like most parents dream teenager tbh

MrsDustyBusty · 16/01/2018 15:42

God, that's what I'm hoping my daughter will be like I'm her teens, happy, confident, plenty of healthy and safe/appropriate activities. She sounds like a dream.

TheWineHasRunOut · 16/01/2018 15:42

bemused - no they don't! I want my DCs to enjoy sports - which will hopefully keep them away from the temptations of drugs and alcohol!! and to have nice friends and to be polite, and most of all, to be happy! I honestly do not want for them to be the cool kids at all the parties (but if they r, hey ho! We'll b ok!!)

Original poster
user1485342611 · 16/01/2018 15:50

To me she always seems happy, comfortable in her own skin, and capable of deciding for herself how she wants to spend her time, and who she wants to spend it with.

I've seen other teenage girls desperately keeping up with the pack because they're terrified of being left behind, and not because they're actually enjoying themselves and spending their time with people they really like and feel comfortable with.

The 'popular crowd' is often really an illusion. They're not necessarily the happiest kids in town.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 16/01/2018 15:51

This is all about your friend and her own insecurities. Her DD sounds completely fine.

I was part of the cool crowd and it’s a complete waste of time.

TatianaLarina · 16/01/2018 15:53

They're not necessarily the happiest kids in town

Correct. Generally they’re not happy at home which is why they throw themselves in with their peer group. Coolness can end in flunking exams and rebab so it’s nothing to write home about.

KingLooieCatz · 16/01/2018 15:54

I was like this as a teenager, and DM was like that.

I was baffled, the in-crowd were bunking off school, shoplifting, smoking, getting drunk, often on the street as they couldn't get served, and while drunk in the city centre meeting a raft of older men hoping to take advantage. Yet my Mum would somehow rather that than have me quietly revising, going to my Saturday job and meeting up at friends' houses to watch a video or listen to music. Bonkers.

BlindLemonAlley · 16/01/2018 15:58

The popular and cool kids are often miserable and full of self doubt. The image they portray is often far from the reality. You friend should be grateful that her DD is not sucked in by this and is happy and comfortable in her own skin.

BlindLemonAlley · 16/01/2018 15:58

*your

Original poster
user1485342611 · 16/01/2018 16:04

I remember years ago my aunt was always desperate for my cousin to join the local tennis club. She just had this idea that it was a really happening type place and my cousin would get invited to loads of parties and be part of some 'in' gang.

My cousin had no interest in tennis, or any other sport, and was quite happily playing in her school orchestra and making like minded friends there. She completely ignored her mother, went on to study and then teach music and has had a happy and contented life - minus any tennis.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 16/01/2018 16:10

Mothers like your friend are best ignored - which most sensible teens do.

Are their names saffy and Edina by any chance? Wink

ChaosNeverRains · 16/01/2018 16:10

I was confident and outgoing as a teen. So confident in fact that I didn’t need to conform to some ideal, I was happy the way I was and as an adult still am.

Fortunately my DC have inherited this trait from me and don’t care about being conformist either. As a teenager I was happy to be teetotal while the in-crowd were all out drinking, didn’t smoke or do drugs and it didn’t matter. The friends I had were genuine friends because of who I was not because of what expectations I conformed to.

To the PP who said that every parent aspires for their children to be confident, outgoing and popular I disagree. I want my children to be happy and confident, however I think that there’s a difference between wanting them to be popular and not wanting them to be unpopular. I don’t care if my DC aren’t part of some in-crowd as long as they are not part of any kind of ridicule and have friends who are genuine. As long as they have genuine friendships it doesn’t matter whether they’re part of some perceived in-crowd or whether they’re just a group of decent kids who can count on each other.

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