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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really like or enjoy my children.

98 replies

Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 12:57

There it is. Real taboo I know but I just find it all so hard. My kids are 10 and 8 and I am starting to really dislike both of them. They irritate the hell out of me and have done for a few years. I love them both but I don’t like them. I don’t think I was cut out for this. I don’t know what to do to change the way I feel. It’s really upsetting.

OP posts:
cantucciniamaretto · 16/01/2018 13:03

You need professional help. Are you a single parent? If so can they go and live with their other parent?
Children shouldn't grow up feeling unwanted and unloved.

Pengggwn · 16/01/2018 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApplesTheHare · 16/01/2018 13:08

What is is you dislike about them OP?

I think most women feel this way on a semi-regular basis but few admit it. If you feel like this all the time then it's a sign you need to make some changes, either to your routine and life in general or to your parenting.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/01/2018 13:13

There must be something you enjoy/like about them?? Your kids pick up a lot of traits and behaviour from you. It's taboo because it's not right (I'm not saying this to be unkind) just agreeing with someone that you would probably benefit from some outside help.

user764329056 · 16/01/2018 13:13

I think you’re very brave, don’t have any great words of wisdom but hope you find some support

Morphene · 16/01/2018 13:14

I don't know why it should be considered more strange than not liking or enjoying your parents....

I would start the way you would start troubleshooting any relationship that you can't opt out of.

Work out what is specifically causing the issue. Are they rude? Are they obsessed with things you don't care about? Are they just very different in personality to you? Or is the problem coming from within you? Is your mental health okay? Is it possible this is a symptom of depression?

Once you have identified the core issues, its usually a good place to start from in fixing things.

Try to ignore the massive societal hang ups regarding how utterly unforgivable it is to not adore every facet of your child...because that's gendered BS that will not help you grow or develop in any meaningful way.

Ditch the baggage, dissect the issues and take it from there.

PenelopeChipShop · 16/01/2018 13:16

It sounds like you need support. Do you ever get a break from them? Because if you don’t, I can 100% understand why you feel that way. I’m a LP and mine are both under 5 and some days I question what’s happened to my life. BUT I do find immense joy in them too. If you feel this way all the time something does need to change. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you or the kids, most likely, but it doesn’t have to be this hard. Are you with their other parent and have you confided how you feel in anyone?

Original poster
Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 13:26

No I haven’t because of the obvious judgement that tends to come. They give me the odd moment of joy now and again but not many.

They have all the traits of their father unfortunately. Moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive.

My mistake was marrying him and breeding with him.

I don’t like them because they remind me more and more each day of him and I don’t like him.

It’s a mess. I hate what my life is becoming.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 16/01/2018 13:29

You can't let your feelings toward your ex color your feelings for your kids.

You need professional help otherwise this resentment will grow and fester. And they will pick up on it.

They didn't ask to be born.

BiglyBadgers · 16/01/2018 13:31

Women are told that the most wonderful thing they can do is become a parent. They are told they are failiure if they don't and even worse if they do and find it is not, in reality, the most amazing thing that ever happened to them. The pressure to be the perfect mother and consider your children the light of your life is overwhelming at times.

Some women may genuinely feel that their children are always wonderful and that their life would be an empty shell without them. Other do not feel this way. They are not bad people for it. Neither will they damage their children irrevocably. You can be a good parent and still not always find your children unending sources of joy.

I can say that for the first 4 years of dd's life I thought I had made the most awful mistake. I felt a lot of guilt about this. I thought I was a terrible person. The thing that improved things for me was accepting that actually it was OK to not be the perfect adoring mother at all times. That sometime I might not adore my child and that's OK. Once I took the pressure off myself to be perfect and conform to this ideal of motherhood I found I started to relax and enjoy the good times with her far more because I wasn't beating myself up about the not so good times.

So my advice is to give yourself a break. It's OK not to be perfect and to find your children irritating because kids can be irritating. Once you've stopped beating yourself up do as other pp have said and see if you can change or improve some of the things that make things particularly annoying. Flowers

Pengggwn · 16/01/2018 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 13:33

He isn’t my ex. Maybe that’s the problem

OP posts:
cantucciniamaretto · 16/01/2018 13:33

I don’t like them because they remind me more and more each day of him and I don’t like him

Well maybe they are difficult because they know you don't like them and they feel unwanted and unloved. It's not exactly the right environment to grow up as happy, well adjusted fun little people is it?

I don't think its something that should be taboo, but I do think the children here are more important than the parent. They didn't ask for this and it isn't their fault. You have to put your own feelings aside and parent them, or find someone who can.

cantucciniamaretto · 16/01/2018 13:35

Women are told that the most wonderful thing they can do is become a parent. They are told they are failiure if they don't

i hear people saying stuff like this all the time and have no clue what they mean. I was never told that, either of them. I never thought it was automatic or something I was expected to do. More and more women are now child free.
I think its outdated bullshit tbh.

amusedbush · 16/01/2018 13:35

To be perfectly honest, this is why I don't want kids. I was raised by a mother who doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, didn't really want kids and resented our very presence.

I don't really like children and I enjoy my own company and free time far too much to give it up. If I had a child, there is a very high chance I wouldn't enjoy them. It's just that a lot of women buy into the whole "the most amazing thing you can do with your life is be a mother" thing that is sold to us our whole lives.

BiglyBadgers · 16/01/2018 13:35

He isn’t my ex. Maybe that’s the problem

Yeah, I'd say that sounds like the issue here.

swingofthings · 16/01/2018 13:36

I totally understand how you feel, and many others will so don't feel that there is something wrong with you but it does need to be dealt with.

Firstly, although there is without a doubt a genetic link to people's personalities and behaviours, you can't put everything down to it, so if they are indeed so unlikable, there are likely to be issues in their lives that can be modified and will impact on their behaviour and how you feel about them. The problem is that the more you don't like them, the more they will feel unliked/loved and the worse their behaviour will become.

How are they getting on at school? Do they have difficulties being liked by others too?

fluffycat5601 · 16/01/2018 13:36

yes, perhaps him not being your Ex is the problem.

Original poster
Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 13:36

Thanks Bigly. That’s a really helpful post. I do love them. I ensure they are safe and loved and fed and watered. I read to them, I play with them. I just don’t enjoy it. I don’t show them I don’t enjoy but it doesn’t bring me the joy it should and their behaviour doesn’t help. Maybe I do need help.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 16/01/2018 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryMaDeara · 16/01/2018 13:37

I think you need to put your children first and get them away from your 'Moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive' partner. They may lose those traits when not influenced by him.

As it is, I feel very sorry for these children.

Finola1step · 16/01/2018 13:37

Would it be worth talking to someone about some of your feelings? Your GP might be a good place to start.

Willrunforgin · 16/01/2018 13:38

You have two little children (who didn't ask to be born) and probably love you more than anything or anyone.
I think you need help serious help.
My best friend is struggling to conceive for two years now so I think you should speak to someone SOON and count your blessings, focus on the positive if you can.

livefornaps · 16/01/2018 13:38

I think you need to sort things out with your husband. Either get counselling or leave. Using him as a prism through which to see your children is so, so unfair.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2018 13:38

So you're with a guy who is moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive? No wonder you're bloody struggling and no wonder the kids aren't in a great place.

Please please work out how to ltb first then see what happens. You haven't got to take the kids but please dont leave them with a father who is moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive.