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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really like or enjoy my children.

98 replies

Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 12:57

There it is. Real taboo I know but I just find it all so hard. My kids are 10 and 8 and I am starting to really dislike both of them. They irritate the hell out of me and have done for a few years. I love them both but I don’t like them. I don’t think I was cut out for this. I don’t know what to do to change the way I feel. It’s really upsetting.

OP posts:

OldPony · 16/01/2018 13:57

I totally understand how you feel. I completely love my daughter with a visceral ache, but if I had my time again I'm not sure I'd bother.

I also so glad I didn't have more than 1 even thought the hormones to reproduce were intense pre-menopause.

BiglyBadgers · 16/01/2018 13:57

I need to do something about the relationship situation I know that but it’s hard for lots of reasons when your self esteem is on the floor.

If you can get some counselling for the self esteem issues do so. Then deal with the husband issue. I think your feelings about your kids will sort themselves out. You clearly care for them and love them or you wouldn't have written this post worrying about it.

Maybe post about your husband in Relationships and get some support and advice from the lovely folks there.

meredintofpandiculation · 16/01/2018 14:00

The thing that hit me is that it's not so much a children problem as a husband problem. But ditching a partner is never easy and you might not feel able to do that. You may be able to make family life revolve less around him. Even lowering your expectation of him and thus being less affected by his inadequacy may help you feel better towards the children.

I don't think it's uncommon for children to go through phases when they're not very attractive. I've also noticed that the most bratty of children can turn into delightful adults, so there is hope for the future.

SleepySheepy · 16/01/2018 14:00

Maybe you need a little space, a bit of time to feel like yourself again and then maybe take some action.
I adore my DS, but I do find that if I'm really over-tired, I've got a lot on my mind, my emotions aren't in the right place, etc then I can find it really hard to be around him and if that was something I felt all the time I would definitely assume I don't like him, which just isn't true.
Feeling the way you feel right now DOES NOT make you a bad mother or person, but you do need to take action to make things better - you owe that to both yourself and your DC, otherwise what enjoyment are any of you getting from life?
From what limited information you've given, I sense depression. I had PND with DS and I spent a long time trying to work out how I could get away from him (for good), it was truly horrible but once I got help and I started to feel better I realised that I didn't really want that at all, the depression just put this awful black veil over everything and I could no longer see what was good about life.
I'm so glad I got help and I feel like myself again.
You've indicated that you aren't happy with your husband. I would start there. Work on your own happiness and it will be so much easier to see the joy in everything again including your DC.
Big hugs xx

TonbridgeTammy · 16/01/2018 14:01

I think that your feelings about your husband are being projected onto the children as, in a way, that's easier than facing the issues in your marriage.

When you are unhappy every little thing can become magnified. If you were in a better place you might be able to enjoy them more.

Original poster

Zoolander74 · 16/01/2018 14:01

Thanks Bigly and others. I’m going to come off this thread now as some of the comments are upsetting me more. Thanks anyway though. I am going to try and get some help. I will book an appointment with the doctor first. I need to get my morale up to have any chance of dealing with things.

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 16/01/2018 14:02

Zoo.... I think this age the DC can be a bit hard to cope with tbh. It seems as if they are in conflict with us all the time , nothing we do is good enough and they whine and complain and play one parent off against another. This does pass and they do revert to the lovely dc they are . They also may be picking up that you are not happy with their father and this is unsettling for them. Can you talk to someone about this ? What about your GP my dear , I hope you can get some help with this , it must be making you feel absolutely awful.

bunnybananas · 16/01/2018 14:05

Bluntness I am only a couple of years older than your daughter and I have heard this many a time when I have stated that I am on the fence about having children. Even though I think social attitudes are slowly changing, this pressure upon women is very much still a thing.

Megs4x3 · 16/01/2018 14:08

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) I'm not saying that we always love or even like our children all the time. They drive us to distraction at times. It does though, sound as though your children are getting the brunt of other unhappiness in your life. That's not a criticism - it's not surprising really - but it is a suggestion that they themselves are not the whole problem. My suggestion is to work out what to do about your marriage and you may then see your children in a whole new light. Of course, everyone, including children, have faults, but they are part of you too and I really doubt that they don't have any good qualities at all. It's really hard for you to see those qualities at the moment and as others have said, your GP is a good place to start. Not because you are ill or need a diagnosis, (though you might be clinically depressed because of your circumstances), but because your GP is often the door to accessing other services that will help. Your children are learning how to behave from contact with both of you. Conversations need to be had and action taken, for your sake as well as theirs.

Chugalug · 16/01/2018 14:12

I hear you...I feel the same about my youngest child.he pushes all my buttons in a way my older ones didn't..he's very like me ,and I think I push him away as I don't like myself..plus his behaviour is awful,and he's being assessed for autism..so i understand how you feel ,and it's not a nice feeling op

tootiredtospeak · 16/01/2018 14:14

It does sound like your projecting the dislike of their father onto them. If he really is that bad then you need to leave him and get them away from his influence 100 percent of the time. We don’t all like our kids all of the time my eldest is particularly challenging but I don’t feel the way you describe. It sounds like your suffering and doing the right thing seeking some help.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/01/2018 14:14

An awful lot of unhappiness in women is labelled as some kind of mental illness when it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible response to living with a shit man.
I think getting rid of your H would make things a lot easier both for you and for your DC (if their father is angry, selfish, lazy etc then his presence probably makes both their behaviour and their mental health worse.)
Did the H want to have the kids? Does he leave all the domestic work to you because 'you wanted children'? If he doesn't show them much affection, or resents them and doesn't bother to hide it, then they will be as unhappy as you are.

Jaygee61 · 16/01/2018 14:18

*My best friend is struggling to conceive for two years now so I think you should speak to someone SOON and count your blessings, focus on the positive if you can

I’m sorry but that was totally unnecessary. It’s bullshit to tell a Mum who is struggling that some people can’t have kids so she should be grateful for what she has.*

I agree. And I couldn't have kids myself.

nutnerk · 16/01/2018 14:26

Moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive

These are learnt behaviours, not inherited ones. Kids are never the problem, it's always the parents. Sorry.

If you are upset and don't give them warmth, and if the father is as bad as you say, then OF COURSE they aren't going to be nice children.

Children reflect what they experience.

bibliomania · 16/01/2018 14:30

I agree that this is about your H, not the dcs. I do love and enjoy my dd, but there are times when dd parrots something my ex has said and it pushes my buttons - buttons he installed, so to speak.

When you're angry and resentful, it very easily gets deflected onto other people. If you feel at any level that your dcs are keeping you stuck with this man you resent, and then something about their behaviour echoes him, I'm not surprised that you have these negative feelings.

I think it really is a LTB situation.

Morphene · 16/01/2018 14:34

nutnerk you do know that genetics is a thing also? Your kids have their own genetic information, that could cause all sort of behavioural issues. It isn't as simple as kids turning out the way their parenting determines.

Slanetylor · 16/01/2018 14:44

You're probably not reading. But if you are, lots of hugs.
There are things that my children do that remind of traits I hate in others. When my MIL does things I hate I obviously smile and nod and pass no remark but when my own child does the same I act irrationally. Likewise those traits I hate in my husband that I tolerate I just dispise seeing them in my children. Sometimes if my husband is slurping his tea and annoying me I will explode if my dd does it. I'm not proud of it. But I can't ask a grown man to stop slurping his tea ( I REALLY don't want to be that person) buts it's so so unfair that I can't seem to extend that curtesy to my dd. But of course I'm not talking to her I'm talking to him in a messed up non- healthy way. I do feel if your husband was out if the picture there would be more room for you to like your children.

nutnerk · 16/01/2018 14:55

@Morphene I don't know why you're implying I'm some sort of idiot when your comment is so invalid.

Being moody, angry and selfish is not something you are born with. You learn it from living in a crap environment and being treated badly.

Morphene · 16/01/2018 15:04

unless such behaviour stems from definable MH issues, like anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. then suddenly we are all about the genetic component.

I thought blaming mothers for all their kids negative behaviour went out when we ditched the 'refrigerator Mum' explanation for autism.

Much as you may wish to blame all bad behaviour on bad parenting, you may in fact just be talking shit.

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 15:05

I feel for the children. Does the person you were "breeding" with dislike your children like you do?

I suspect that the best thing is to leave the three of them.

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/01/2018 15:11

It sounds like you are not mentally in a place where you enjoy anything.

I'd speak to your Doctor and also start working on getting out, your relationship is dragging you down

Sending you a hug x

BiglyBadgers · 16/01/2018 15:13

An awful lot of unhappiness in women is labelled as some kind of mental illness when it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible response to living with a shit man.

Just to say I agree with you to a point, but short term mental health issues can be a perfectly understandable side effect of living with a shit man. Short term MH issues can come from life events and sometimes you need to deal with both the shit man and the self esteem issues he has left you with.

Skivingfromwork · 16/01/2018 15:17

Haven't rtft but I completely can emphasise with you.

My 15 year old irritates me so much, and I often struggle with my feelings about him. I have posted before over the years, and tried various things, but nothing has helped.

He also has all of the traits of his father, and I can't help seeing that in him.

JaneEyre70 · 16/01/2018 15:38

I think it's a bit of a taboo to actually admit that although you love your kids, you don't always actually like them. We all have personality traits and behaviours that others can't warm to, and just because they are your children doesn't except them from that. Don't give yourself a hard time, I think you're pretty human. I'd try and work out what's bothering you the most and see if there are ways you can get round it. And maybe address the issue with your partner? All I would say is that if you are deeply unhappy, your kids will be aware of it. And that's not good for any of you.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2018 18:12

bemusedSpectator you think OP should leave vulnerable kids with their aggressive father who is angry and selfish??

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