To not really like or enjoy my children.

[Zoolander74]

There it is. Real taboo I know but I just find it all so hard. My kids are 10 and 8 and I am starting to really dislike both of them. They irritate the hell out of me and have done for a few years. I love them both but I don’t like them. I don’t think I was cut out for this. I don’t know what to do to change the way I feel. It’s really upsetting.

Based on your last post, I think that what's happening is that you are miserable in your relationship with their father, but rather than face up to that and address it, which would be scary and difficult, but possible, your feelings are redirected towards the children. Because you can't get rid of them so it absolves you of responsibility.
That sounds harsh and I don't mean that you are doing that deliberately, but I think you do need to face up to what is happening for the sake of the DC. It is not their fault .

"They have all the traits of their father unfortunately. Moody, selfish, angry, lazy, aggressive"

Most children are selfish and they can be moody, angry, lazy, and aggressive at times.

The adult they turn into is up to you, though. You are the person who will shape who they will become.

Zoolander I think you may have answered your own question. I am so sorry that you’re feeling so bad. Maybe this is what needs to change, ie you need to end your relationship. It is already affecting how you feel about your kids, which isn’t fair on them. People go on a lot about divorce being bad for kids but so is growing up in a family with a toxic marriage.

I only split from my DH last year so it’s early days for me but I can honestly say that in some ways it was instantly easier. I didn’t feel angry every day anymore, and I very quickly realised just how bad that had been for me and him to live with. You need to have a frank conversation with your husband.

My best friend is struggling to conceive for two years now so I think you should speak to someone SOON and count your blessings, focus on the positive if you can

I’m sorry but that was totally unnecessary. It’s bullshit to tell a Mum who is struggling that some people can’t have kids so she should be grateful for what she has.

OP, I think your relationship is clouding your feelings. Is leaving an option? Or help for your low mood?

^i hear people saying stuff like this all the time and have no clue what they mean. I was never told that, either of them. I never thought it was automatic or something I was expected to do. More and more women are now child free.
I think its outdated bullshit tbh.^

I think you are very lucky never to have felt any pressure at all to have children and to be a perfect mother. I don't know any other woman who has not felt this pressure. Whether it is relatives asking when the kids are coming or constant barrage of 'perfect mum's images on TV and social media the pressure to be a perfect parent is there for most women.

To be honest I would also say your previous post is a pretty fine example of the belief that any woman who expressed a less then overwhelming enthusiasm for children is automatically a terrible parent and causing damage to her children. You even manage to imply that because she is not absolutely in thrall to them at at every moment they should be taken away from her. You might not feel the pressure, but you sure can dish it out.

Get help, have a break.
My parents don’t like me, haven’t since I was little.
I have little to do with them, it has affected me a great deal, but now I am past caring. Don’t let them grow up feeling like they are unloved, and unworthy of love.

Women are told that the most wonderful thing they can do is become a parent. They are told they are failiure if they don't

Decades ago maybe. The only time I hear similar to this is on here. I think it's a myth these days but it does help some women absolve the guilt to say they were led up the garden path.

OP, you dislike your partner but is he a good parent? Would he be better placed to raise them, with you leaving the family home? Or do you feel that's too extreme.

OP you poor thing.

I'd agree 100% with the idea that your situation is the real problem here. Not your children - although if things are as bad as you hint at, then getting them, as well as yourself, away from him would quite possibly change things for them too. Moody, aggressive, angry? So not happy children at all. It doesn't take a genius to work out why.

I think you need to think ahead to separating, and to a new life where your still young children can perhaps learn by example to feel happy instead of aggressive, more confident instead of angry, engaged and inspired instead of lazy... normal lovely children.

You don't like your husband. Deal with that first.

I find that if the rest of my life is fairly happy I can forgive my children a lot.

You are the person who will shape who they will become.

• as is, right now, their dad that they live with too.

To be honest I would also say your previous post is a pretty fine example of the belief that any woman who expressed a less then overwhelming enthusiasm for children is automatically a terrible parent and causing damage to her children. You even manage to imply that because she is not absolutely in thrall to them at at every moment they should be taken away from her. You might not feel the pressure, but you sure can dish it out

It isn't any such thing. I didn't imply anything, I was very clear. If she really can't stand her children they should go to somewhere they are not just an irritation and inconvenience.

you are so eager to validate OP's feelings you have forgotten there are actual real live children growing up with a parent who can't stand them. Is that ok for you? Is "societal pressure about motherhood" the real point here? Or is it those children?

I’m sure that your relationship with their dad is the issue here. They are learning that being aggressive and grumpy is the way adults act. They are probably just as miserable as you are living with him.

Do your whole family a favour and split with him, then create a household with your own atmosphere and your own rules about how you all behave towards each other.

My ex was a dark cloud hanging over every occasion sucking the joy out of it. I could see so many of his traits in DS1 too that it has made my relationship with him difficult. However at 17 he’s now a lovely young man with a GF and a job who makes me feel proud.

You can come through it and I suspect your relationships with everyone will improve, even potentially your H. My ex wasn’t happy living with me and the DCs full time, but he now spends a day a week being a decent dad, we are able to chat and spend time together amicably and we are all happier without him dragging us down.

Certainly worth factoring that into your feelings about the DCs. Don’t feel bad, kids can be a pain in the arse. But without their miserable dad bringing you down you will also be able to find some joy in them. Especially if you get a day off every now and again.

Sounds like the kids are copying your husband. He is their role model.
Are you able to show them an alternative way of behaving?
I don't think you sound happy in your marriage. Have you got help with the children? Can you get yourself some support?

Thanks Bigly. That’s a really helpful post. I do love them. I ensure they are safe and loved and fed and watered. I read to them, I play with them. I just don’t enjoy it. I don’t show them I don’t enjoy but it doesn’t bring me the joy it should and their behaviour doesn’t help. Maybe I do need help.

It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression, probably due to living with a lazy husband you do not love. I think some counselling would help you, but not because I think you need to learn how to move your children. If you feel better as a person and deal with the husband situation (which might mean leaving him) your joy in your children will return. It is hard to like anyone or anything when you are suffering like this.

Why can’t people read what I am putting? I am not letting them grow up without being loved. They are loved. It is me that it struggling with my own thoughts. I don’t take it out on them.

Thanks Bigly. I expected the odd harsh comment from the perfect mother brigade so don’t worry I can take it.

I need to do something about the relationship situation I know that but it’s hard for lots of reasons when your self esteem is on the floor.

And please stop stating that they didn’t ask to be born! Don’t you think I already know that and that’s part of my turmoil!

'Move your children'?.... Sorry for that crazy typo. Should be 'love you're children'!

'your children'!...arrghhh! I can't type!!

I totally get where you are coming from, OP.

It would help you to gather up everyone on your side and stand your ground with H. I was naive and did not do this. I suffered because my DC took narc exH's side, bribed by money handouts and a truly vicious, undermining and relentless campaign against me.

Don't let that happen to you. You deserve to get to know your DC on your own terms. I never got the chance.

PS - I was also being punished for not loving exH.

To me this sounds like your anger and resentment towards your husband is being misdirected towards your children.
You call him lazy and selfish, does this mean you are doing the bulk of the child care and house work?
You are bound to feel resentful, it most definitely is not your children's fault and you owe it to them to resolve this. Either by leaving your husband or seeking some counselling as a couple.

Some shit being posted on here.

I think women are conditioned to think this is an abnormal thing to feel. I'm not sure it is

Conditioned to think we should like our kids and men aren't? What a bizzare thing to write. Yes we all love our kids, yes we like them but sometimes we don't like thr behaviour. This is very different to what the op is saying, she's protecting a dislike of thr father onto the kids and disliking her whole family,

Women are told that the most wonderful thing they can do is become a parent. They are told they are failiure if they don't

I know of no woman who is told this, my experience is woman have come a long way and now are told they have the right to be anything they wish and are equal to men, my daughter is 20. Her and all her friends have never been told the best thing they can do is be a parent.

Oh dear OP, this doesn't sound good :(

Was your DH always like this, or is this new? You DC may well be picking up behaviour from him, especially if it is long term. How do you deal with his aggression? If it leads to him getting his way because you avoid confrontation, they will copy that.

It seems urgent to sort out your relationship if it is poisoning your relationship with your DC, it isn't good for them to have this kind of atmosphere. If he has changed, you need to get to the root of the problem. Counselling mY help, some together and some separate if you can get it. If he has always been like this it sounds like you might need to separate if it is making you unhappy.

I second what a pp said about getting some time away from them. Do you have family support? A bit of time on your own might really help. It's hard to like somebody if your needs are always suppressed by theirs. If you don't have family support, can you arrange sleepovers? Perhaps offer to host one first, then ask another parent if they are hPpy to reciprocate. If you are lucky, you might be able to get both out on the same weekend and hVe a weekend to yourself, either to try to fix things with DH or to have some "me time". If only one DC is out at a time, you can have some quality time with the other - you might be able to reconnect And find things you have in common.

Daily grind takes its toll on all relationships, even between parent Nd child. Try to break the cycle and see if it helps!

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone or unusual.

I have two nieces who I love and get much joy from but I hate looking after them. I can't quantify it, I just hate it, childcare is absolutely spirit crushing. I dread being left with them and am relieved when they've gone. The guilt I've felt about this is immense.
I'm glad they are my nieces, they're mostly fine, but they've confirmed I'll never have children. I don't think I'd survive it.

We grow up affected by nature and nurture. you cant do anything about the nature bit but you can about the nurture. that's why your kids are behaving like they are. not because they were born to be like this but because they are around it and it becomes normalised and accepted behaviour. kids copy. if they see your partner slobbed on the sofa being hand fed his food then they think this is "normal".

however much you think you are hiding your feelings from them, sorry you aren't. kids pick up on things, subtle clues from parents.

give them and yourself a chance. at the moment the situation is ruining 4 peoples lives - take them and yourself out of it and make it only one.

at the moment you have got depression goggles on so all you are seeing is the bad. set aside half an hour a day - on the loo, in the bath in the shower whatever and start making a plan to make a different life.