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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

a rant about an overly needy friend

106 replies

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 12:54

I'm feeling like a bag of crap and I just want a rant.
Does anyone have someone in their life that just drains them and it's almost impossible to ditch them permanently because they are so emotional?
So anyway, my HG is still in full force and it's just a struggle to get from A to B each day. Most days I've still got my head in the toilet or basin.
Being bombarded with phone calls and texts about this drama and that drama from said 'friend'. I've always been there to listen and offer whatever advise I can, I've tried to say on several occasions that I'm sorry but I just can't help just now, I can't focus and what little energy I have is just surviving. On deaf ears!
She's absolutely a hypochondriac. Obsessed over thought. If she has pms it's not pms, she says she's on the bipolar spectrum. If she feels like tidying it's not a whim to have a deep clean, it's OCD.
I was in hospital yesterday to get rehydration and I had atleast 10 messages progressing into a rant about issues with feeling abandoned and I should reply because now she's panicking. I explained what happened and I was asked not to talk about being sick as it's a trigger for her bulimia. She was not like this when met at work, i feel kind of duped, as though it was just act.
I'm not meaning to sound insensitive, none of the conditions she says she have been officially diagnosed. We've had these conversations and she pinned it on the doctors being incompetent and not believing her.
Thankfully we don't work together anymore but I just feel stuck with her, if I tell her all of this, I really don't know how she'd behave.

OP posts:

Meowstro · 16/01/2018 13:46

Had a friend like this. I was (stupidly) chasing her to make sure she didn't feel abandoned during my HG pregnancy, offered to go to her to see her, etc. She would text me to rant about her life, how shit it was (in her words, although the issue was always her mucking it up herself) and when she'd eventually ask how I was, I'd tell her, every damn time, how bad my HG was to which she'd say, "oh, is it really that bad?" I stopped pandering to her by the end of my pregnancy and she stopped contacting me as much (I'm assuming I was no longer beneficial for her to emotionally offload into). I then erased her completely from my life when my DC was born because no one needs that shit with a newborn and I knew she didn't care about me or my DC anyway. It was still a little sad as we had years of history but I'm sure she's not even thought it was to do with her behaviour, I'm sure she thinks I've gone NC due to me being married and having a child and she's (in her eyes) still young, single and fun.

You do not need that kind of negativity in your life, you need people who - on the most part - add to it for the better and uplift you. You need all the energy you can get with HG. Do you think you'd miss her if she were not in your life?

Original poster

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 13:52

I didn't even think about after the baby comes!
cora my phone was off, it wasn't until I got out and home, that I got all the messages through. I was in for hours so it was a progression of "I'm doing this today" to "why aren't you replying, you know I have abandonment issues" . My reply was basically I'm sorry but I've been in hospital because I was dehydrated, the sickness just got so bad etc. Her response to that was to ask me to not talk about sick as it was a trigger. She did ask me if I was feeling better and if I could call her, at half 8 at night, I was going to my bed!

OP posts:

quizqueen · 16/01/2018 13:55

Time to stop looking at her behaviour, which doesn't sound like it will change.
Time to look at your behaviour which you can change.

Remove yourself from the audience.

Cocofluff · 16/01/2018 13:55

Block her number and when you are feeling better (if you want to resume the friendship?) text and say my phone broke and I was so unwell I couldn’t replace it until I was back on my feet. Or stop replying to the messages choose how much contact you want and stick to it

miraclebabyplease · 16/01/2018 13:56

I have had hg - I feel for you. Remember, every slow minute is a minute closer to the end of it. Also, suck on ice cubes as it numbs the mouth and gives some hydration. Hg, or no hg, she needs to be dropped. That isn't a friendship. Good luck.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/01/2018 13:57

Seriously, you absolutely need to offend her NOW and get rid or she will make the first weeks with your baby hell on earth. Please don't let her! Block. She is no friend anyway - just a user.

Original poster

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 13:59

meowstro i think that's how I was feeling, like you don't want to upset someone or be the cause of their stress but it is too much now!
No I don't think I will, I miss the person she was (or appeared to be) when we first met. She seemed very positive and genuinely just a nice, fun, kind person. I don't know how someone can change so much!!

OP posts:

Weezol · 16/01/2018 14:01

Please send the text. You have to stop analysing her and look after yourself and your baby.

Original poster

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 14:02

It really does sound like such a simple solution. I don't know why I've been stewing about it. Things always seem worse when your run down and drained, thank you guys for backing me up. I was starting to think I was being a little selfish by wanting her to just go away!

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 16/01/2018 14:09

I suspect MH issues actually, possibly bi-polar? If someone stops taking their meds and becomes manic they really can have a personality transplant.

Either way, it's not something you can cope with when you've got so much going on with your pregnancy, and then when you have a baby. You definitely need to block her and move on.

Lindy2 · 16/01/2018 14:13

Definitely time to distance yourself from her. She can only have text conversations or other contact with you if you are replying or making contact.

Mumto2two · 16/01/2018 14:21

Definitely an Emotional Vampire! I didn't know what one was either..until I met one too. It took me a while to figure out why I always came away feeling drained or exhausted. They can literally suck the life out of you with the amount of drama they need to upload. And of course, it's never anything significant, they just like to make it that somehow.
As for thinking you might have a friend to reciprocate the support you give sometimes...forget it. They are not interested in anyone else's issues but their own.

CoraPirbright · 16/01/2018 14:23

Oh dear - in that case totally sack her off!! A quick email saying “sorry but I am going through some terrible health issues at the moment and simply do not have the capacity to engage with anything else other than concentrating on my well-being. I am sure you understand. Will be back in touch when things improve but in the meantime, hope all goes well for you”. Then block. Then decide if you ever really do want to re-establish.....

KimmySchmidt1 · 16/01/2018 14:25

Just put in some boundaries. Apply to texts once a day. Say bland things like ‘that sounds awful, poor you’. Most people just want to hear that anyway. They don’t want you to solve their problems, and won’t follow any advice anyway, they just want to let off steam.

There’s no need to be harsh or spiteful. Just stop replying more than once a day.

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 16/01/2018 14:28

Who ARE these fucking people?

I'm not one for composing texts on MN but surely something as simple as 'I'm not well enough to cope with anyone else's feelings right now' would do? If it offends her enough to stop being your friend, then good, frankly.

I hope it eases soon.

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 16/01/2018 14:50

Tell her that as she considers you to be such a close friend that you really wouldn't mind her coming round to look after you in your current state, dh is at work and the house needs a good clean and you could do with a nurse maid.

Channel some of her energy.

You won't hear back

Likeawolf · 16/01/2018 15:09

OP thank you so much for posting this (and so sorry about your HG, it sounds awful...). Also, thanks to QueenofWands for the info about Histrionic Personality Disorder so eye opening especially as I have a friend just like this. I had to start distancing myself from her over time (still in the process of it and often feel guilty) because her demands kept increasing over time and it was getting to the point where my (often two-hour+!) conversations with her were affecting my ability to support my family (and keep up with my work). This thread is incredibly helpful and it's so good to see everyone else's perspective/support for this kind of situation.

OP -- look after yourself. Don't feel a moment's hesitation in stepping back. You have been more than patient and more than kind!

Booboobooboo84 · 16/01/2018 15:27

Oh she’s sounds like a do. I would honestly message and say ‘your not being a very good friend at the minute while I’m so ill and as you clearly think I’m not being a good friend let’s take a break from each other. I’ll arrange a drink after the baby’s born’ then block.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/01/2018 15:37

"I'm sorry that you have so many issues right now. I'm not the right person to talk to about this as I am very unwell and really struggling to get through the day myself. Hope you find someone to talk to xxx

Original poster

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 16:12

kimmy I have no intention of being harsh or spiteful, I don't want to hurt people. I do think that the advise to block her is really the solution. If I don't reply, the texts and calls become relentless until I do (especially if she's having a bad day) and that in it's self is quite stressful... to dread the message tone or the phone ringing. I agree that she does just want someone to agree with her, it does t make it any less draining when it's constant.

Thank you everyone for the advise. X

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/01/2018 16:21

Do send the message above about not being in contact before you block, op; she might be even worse if you cut her off cold turkey.....

Original poster

ColaCube22 · 16/01/2018 16:31

okay so I wrote this reply to a message she sent,

Hey, Im sorry it's taken me a bit to reply, as you know I'm really ill at the moment and shattered from being in hospital. I'll be in touch when Im feeling better. I'm going to take a break from everything just now and focus on trying to rest and recover. I really don't think I'm going to be any help to you or anyone. Hope you understand.

OP posts:

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 16/01/2018 16:32

Great reply op!

Take care

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 16/01/2018 16:32

Marking my place because I've got one of these in my life at the moment. I'm not pregnant, but my mental health isn't always the best and I've had a lot of work on recently.

I do feel bad because this person genuinely doesn't seem to have many other people to turn to, but the constant whinging and whining and refusal to do anything about her problems is grinding me down.

Lizzie48 · 16/01/2018 17:00

Yes that's a good reply, OP. But she possibly won't get the message and you may still need to block her. Just don't feel bad about it. I had a friend like this once and it's completely draining.

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