I think I hate my midwife

[Situp]

So I am 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. First 2 were born in the UK. DS was planned homebirth with transfer to hospital and then forceps because of placenta position and cord holding him in. DD was elective caesarean because she was breach. Community and hospital MWs were amazing.

This baby is being born in another country and basically my MW is always telling me that everything I plan and have been advised in the UK is wrong and it is really getting me down.

I want to avoid an epidural if possible because I don't want to stay in hospital. However, midwife is telling me that all other pain relief is bad for the baby so I should either have the epidural or have no pain relief at all.

She says I can't have a bath for 3 weeks after the birth because it causes infections but they were my salvation after my first.

She won't do sweeps because they cause infection but they won't let me go more than 10 days over before induction. I really don't want to be induced but babies are generally late in our family and DS was 12 days over.

She doesn't want DH in the delivery room. She says she will guide me through the process. I have put my foot down about this as there is nobody I want there more than him.

I could list hundreds of things she has said which are contrary to the way we do things in the Uk but these are probably the biggest.

My AIBU is this: should I be able to expect an element of flexibility because I come from a different country and because I have done this before or should I just suck it up? A lot of what she says doesn't even make sense to me and I feel that because I am foreign the fact that I have already had 2 children and therefore experience doesn't count.

She hasn't had children FWIW.

[Situp]

@Lifeisabeach09

I am 38 weeks now. Kids are in school, i wouldn't be allowed on a ferry and it would be a mammoth drive with a risk of giving birth on the motorway in the Netherlands!

Plus I wouldn't want to be a health tourist. We pay taxes here

[Situp]

@Luxembourgmama

Thanks for that. I think my problem is that I need to separate what comes under these categories and what is just her personal belief.

Baths are soooo good though ....

[Lifeisabeach09]

I dunno...giving birth on a Dutch motorway will definitely solve your midwife problems. ;)
As for the sweep, get DH to do it.
Good luck, OP.

[KatharinaRosalie]

they won't let me go more than 10 days over before induction.

OP, there is no 'letting'. This is YOUR body and if you don't want an induction, you are not getting an induction. Not in 10 days, not ever. If your MW has made it seem like this is not the case, tell her to fuck the fuck off.

[diddl]

Ah, Ok, but then she'd only be doing short visits to your house & you'd have your husband there so it might be doable?

Three days in hospital might not be that bad if husband & kids can visit regularly!

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

There is an Austria Doula Network.. would it be worth getting in touch with them?

[HolyShet]

I would go with being very direct

Is any of this a bit lost in translation?

[Situp]

As for the sweep, get DH to do it.

With some romantic music and candles I could probably get him to try something

[HolyShet]

how will anyone ever know if you have a bath?

[diddl]

Is the three weeks to do with still bleeding?

She's not talking about a hot tub??

[DearShirt]

Sorry I think you are being quite unreasonable.

Birth is handled differently in different countries. That's just how it is (I have also given birth in two different countries). The only option which you could look at is going privately where you may get more say over what happens.

You can't move to Austria and expect an NHS experience.

In fact in many ways other systems can also be superior to the UK way of doing things.

[needtogiveitablow]

I have an 8 month old and am in the UK, I was advised the limit for spontaneous labour is 10 days over now and they would then look to induce - the reason being hospitals are overcrowded and if they left you the full 2 weeks they may not have room for you so they like a little leeway. Also inductions often need to be repeated and can take days to fully kick in, it allows an extra few days to get going before having to intervene if you haven’t gone fully into labour, if you were induced at 14 days it could then mean baby is born at day 17+ if things don’t move along. It sounds like this is now common practice and not just a regionally based thing. Good luck in whatever you decide but at the very least (and it’s the most important thing) you will have a beautiful baby in a matter of weeks!

[diddl]

"how will anyone ever know if you have a bath?"

When Op gets an infection?

No, sorry, that wasn't funny.

But exactly that-once you are home, what can they do?

[Situp]

@diddl and @KatharinaRosalie

I know you are both right. Ultimately I have control over my body and my home and I know that DH will totally have my back if I need it. I also know that I would be saying the same to someone else posting this and have done so I need to take some of my own advice.

I will look at other options but i am just sad that having had such a good relationship with my MWs in the UK that it feels so uphill.

I suspect I am making a mountain out of molehill but will totally blame it on fatigue and hormones

[JassyRadlett]

I suggest be stubborn and bossy, direct and firm in reply. You can do many things your own way.

I think this is it. I had a very bonkers midwife for part of the time withDS2. I found a good way of dealing with her pronouncements was to say ‘ok, that’s interesting. That contradicts what I’ve read. Can you share the statistics / evidence with me so I can make an informed decision?’

I have no doubt I sounded like a pompous arsehole. I certainly felt like one. But it was the only thing that got through to her, and also constantly reminded her that I’d be making the ultimate decisions.

[Harebellmeadow]

She may just be particularly patronising and overbearing because you are an Ausländer, a foreigner, and can't know how to do things as well as they do there. (I think they have a good standard of care in Austria) So she is trying to be extra helpful and teacherly. Try and ignore this if it bothers you. She is not trying to be obnoxious, it just turns out that way.
Do you have a German speaking friend or neighbor who could be there when she comes round?
I remember I had bought some non-talc talcum powder for the changing table and my midwife looked at me in true horror and said no, we don't use that here, it is bad for babies But she was otherwise lovely and I listened to her.
She also brought me some special salts for a shallow bath Sitzbad so you definitely can bath afterwards.

Remember you are not a first time mother, and you know yourself and your children best. So practice those Neins

[BarbarianMum]

[DearShirt]

Look on the birght side - you have your own personal midwife who has nothing to distract her from making your birth the best in can possibly be for the next few weeks.

I was induced in another EU country. I wouldn't have been in the UK as in the non UK country the policy after your waters have broken is not to leave you more than 8 hours. I think it's much longer in the UK. There was also no pain meds available except epidural (as they "affect the baby") so that's what I had.

It was fine. You need to let the medical staff do what they are trained and paid to do.

[Harebellmeadow]

*definitely can bathe afterwards.
Typo

[SayNoToCarrots]

I was told by NHS midwives to have lots of baths after giving birth to keep infection at bay!

[bigtissue]

OP, just say yes to her and then do what you like, you know what you are doing. DH will back you up and will do what you want him to do and you can tell the midwife you have your own culture - she needs to respect that.

[Situp]

@Harebellmeadow

We tend to speak English together and I do find that German speakers are very direct in English so that is definitely possible.

She has said that she feels that the modern way of doing things means a lot of old knowledge has been lost and she wants to bring it back which makes me think that her way of doing things is not necessarily in line with the norm and she is very disparaging about the doctors in the hospital so it has made me a bit wary.

I will see what happens at the hospital tomorrow.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Definitely speak to the doctors about your concerns.

But it sounds as if you should be able to keep her at bay by a mixture of hiding behind the doctors and outright snapping on the part of both you and DH.

Shame though!

[DearShirt]

tell the midwife you have your own culture - she needs to respect that

I wonder what UK residents would think about a "foreigner" telling this to the NHS. I get the impression generally that they be regarded with deep suspicion.

[HolyShet]

To be fair though NHS midwives can be just as apparently rigid/obstructive/patronising/not keen on listening.

I suppose what might be different is the cultural relationship with birth itself and/or medical professionals. The midwife thinking she gets to choose whether DH is present for eg.