I think I hate my midwife

[Situp]

So I am 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. First 2 were born in the UK. DS was planned homebirth with transfer to hospital and then forceps because of placenta position and cord holding him in. DD was elective caesarean because she was breach. Community and hospital MWs were amazing.

This baby is being born in another country and basically my MW is always telling me that everything I plan and have been advised in the UK is wrong and it is really getting me down.

I want to avoid an epidural if possible because I don't want to stay in hospital. However, midwife is telling me that all other pain relief is bad for the baby so I should either have the epidural or have no pain relief at all.

She says I can't have a bath for 3 weeks after the birth because it causes infections but they were my salvation after my first.

She won't do sweeps because they cause infection but they won't let me go more than 10 days over before induction. I really don't want to be induced but babies are generally late in our family and DS was 12 days over.

She doesn't want DH in the delivery room. She says she will guide me through the process. I have put my foot down about this as there is nobody I want there more than him.

I could list hundreds of things she has said which are contrary to the way we do things in the Uk but these are probably the biggest.

My AIBU is this: should I be able to expect an element of flexibility because I come from a different country and because I have done this before or should I just suck it up? A lot of what she says doesn't even make sense to me and I feel that because I am foreign the fact that I have already had 2 children and therefore experience doesn't count.

She hasn't had children FWIW.

[diddl]

That's sounding more positive.

Hope all goes well for you,.

[Situp]

Just a quick update here. I had my booking in appointment today at the hospital where the baby will be born. Had a good chat with the doctor and on call midwife and it seems that the views regarding pain meds, baths, hormones etc. Are those of my midwife and not the Austrian system. Plus once we set foot in the hospital, she will not have any medical standing and will only be there to support. Have to keep her on for the post natal care so I can leave hospital more quickly but when push comes to shove (literally) it will be between me and the hospital staff over what we do.

Thanks for your replies everyone!

[Skowvegas]

It sounds like you need to know a few more things.

How much of this is mandated by insurance and/or the health system/hospital.

How much of it is just this midwife (talking to someone else's midwife as you've planned is a good idea).

Also, it sounds like the doctor on call will actually make most of the decisions - so you need to know how they are likely to approach the birth. Can you ask these questions?

It might be that you've found a midwife who's a bit of an anomaly, and actually most things will go the way you want them to.

I live outside the UK and I did find it very useful to check up on things like how health insurance works if you self-discharge, what rights I actually have as a patient, etc.

[Harebellmeadow]

I was given Tannolact and told to use it in the bathtub. Never got round to doing so though.

Link just in case

www.apotheke.de/tannolact-40-badezusatz-beutel-p-73655.html

[Wallywobbles]

I was told no baths after mine in France. I loath showers. Was very unhappy

[ZoopDragon]

It sounds like a cultural difference. Midwives will be trained differently, and I'm sure they have an evidence base for their way of doing things.

It actually sounds great to me. I would love to have a planned epidural, no DH present in the labour room, the same midwife throughout. Much better than my UK birth, when the midwives kept disappearing/changing, there was no doctor available for the epidural, and I was in agony for 10 hours, spaced out on diamorphine and vomiting from too much g&a (back to back labour).

[HolyShet]

I have no experience of Austrian medical system but I assume that you have the same right to decline treatment/medication (ie induction/epidural) as you have in the UK?

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

I had an idea you might say Austria. My cousin had a similar experience there. My advice would be to put your foot down about everything and anything you're not happy about. My cousin did this for her dc2 and had a much, much happier experience.

[HolyShet]

To be fair though NHS midwives can be just as apparently rigid/obstructive/patronising/not keen on listening.

I suppose what might be different is the cultural relationship with birth itself and/or medical professionals. The midwife thinking she gets to choose whether DH is present for eg.

[DearShirt]

tell the midwife you have your own culture - she needs to respect that

I wonder what UK residents would think about a "foreigner" telling this to the NHS. I get the impression generally that they be regarded with deep suspicion.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Definitely speak to the doctors about your concerns.

But it sounds as if you should be able to keep her at bay by a mixture of hiding behind the doctors and outright snapping on the part of both you and DH.

Shame though!

[Situp]

@Harebellmeadow

We tend to speak English together and I do find that German speakers are very direct in English so that is definitely possible.

She has said that she feels that the modern way of doing things means a lot of old knowledge has been lost and she wants to bring it back which makes me think that her way of doing things is not necessarily in line with the norm and she is very disparaging about the doctors in the hospital so it has made me a bit wary.

I will see what happens at the hospital tomorrow.

[bigtissue]

OP, just say yes to her and then do what you like, you know what you are doing. DH will back you up and will do what you want him to do and you can tell the midwife you have your own culture - she needs to respect that.

[SayNoToCarrots]

I was told by NHS midwives to have lots of baths after giving birth to keep infection at bay!

[Harebellmeadow]

*definitely can bathe afterwards.
Typo

[DearShirt]

Look on the birght side - you have your own personal midwife who has nothing to distract her from making your birth the best in can possibly be for the next few weeks.

I was induced in another EU country. I wouldn't have been in the UK as in the non UK country the policy after your waters have broken is not to leave you more than 8 hours. I think it's much longer in the UK. There was also no pain meds available except epidural (as they "affect the baby") so that's what I had.

It was fine. You need to let the medical staff do what they are trained and paid to do.

[BarbarianMum]

[Harebellmeadow]

She may just be particularly patronising and overbearing because you are an Ausländer, a foreigner, and can't know how to do things as well as they do there. (I think they have a good standard of care in Austria) So she is trying to be extra helpful and teacherly. Try and ignore this if it bothers you. She is not trying to be obnoxious, it just turns out that way.
Do you have a German speaking friend or neighbor who could be there when she comes round?
I remember I had bought some non-talc talcum powder for the changing table and my midwife looked at me in true horror and said no, we don't use that here, it is bad for babies But she was otherwise lovely and I listened to her.
She also brought me some special salts for a shallow bath Sitzbad so you definitely can bath afterwards.

Remember you are not a first time mother, and you know yourself and your children best. So practice those Neins

[JassyRadlett]

I suggest be stubborn and bossy, direct and firm in reply. You can do many things your own way.

I think this is it. I had a very bonkers midwife for part of the time withDS2. I found a good way of dealing with her pronouncements was to say ‘ok, that’s interesting. That contradicts what I’ve read. Can you share the statistics / evidence with me so I can make an informed decision?’

I have no doubt I sounded like a pompous arsehole. I certainly felt like one. But it was the only thing that got through to her, and also constantly reminded her that I’d be making the ultimate decisions.

[Situp]

@diddl and @KatharinaRosalie

I know you are both right. Ultimately I have control over my body and my home and I know that DH will totally have my back if I need it. I also know that I would be saying the same to someone else posting this and have done so I need to take some of my own advice.

I will look at other options but i am just sad that having had such a good relationship with my MWs in the UK that it feels so uphill.

I suspect I am making a mountain out of molehill but will totally blame it on fatigue and hormones

[diddl]

"how will anyone ever know if you have a bath?"

When Op gets an infection?

No, sorry, that wasn't funny.

But exactly that-once you are home, what can they do?

[needtogiveitablow]

I have an 8 month old and am in the UK, I was advised the limit for spontaneous labour is 10 days over now and they would then look to induce - the reason being hospitals are overcrowded and if they left you the full 2 weeks they may not have room for you so they like a little leeway. Also inductions often need to be repeated and can take days to fully kick in, it allows an extra few days to get going before having to intervene if you haven’t gone fully into labour, if you were induced at 14 days it could then mean baby is born at day 17+ if things don’t move along. It sounds like this is now common practice and not just a regionally based thing. Good luck in whatever you decide but at the very least (and it’s the most important thing) you will have a beautiful baby in a matter of weeks!

[DearShirt]

Sorry I think you are being quite unreasonable.

Birth is handled differently in different countries. That's just how it is (I have also given birth in two different countries). The only option which you could look at is going privately where you may get more say over what happens.

You can't move to Austria and expect an NHS experience.

In fact in many ways other systems can also be superior to the UK way of doing things.

[diddl]

Is the three weeks to do with still bleeding?

She's not talking about a hot tub??

[HolyShet]

how will anyone ever know if you have a bath?