I think I hate my midwife

[Situp]

So I am 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. First 2 were born in the UK. DS was planned homebirth with transfer to hospital and then forceps because of placenta position and cord holding him in. DD was elective caesarean because she was breach. Community and hospital MWs were amazing.

This baby is being born in another country and basically my MW is always telling me that everything I plan and have been advised in the UK is wrong and it is really getting me down.

I want to avoid an epidural if possible because I don't want to stay in hospital. However, midwife is telling me that all other pain relief is bad for the baby so I should either have the epidural or have no pain relief at all.

She says I can't have a bath for 3 weeks after the birth because it causes infections but they were my salvation after my first.

She won't do sweeps because they cause infection but they won't let me go more than 10 days over before induction. I really don't want to be induced but babies are generally late in our family and DS was 12 days over.

She doesn't want DH in the delivery room. She says she will guide me through the process. I have put my foot down about this as there is nobody I want there more than him.

I could list hundreds of things she has said which are contrary to the way we do things in the Uk but these are probably the biggest.

My AIBU is this: should I be able to expect an element of flexibility because I come from a different country and because I have done this before or should I just suck it up? A lot of what she says doesn't even make sense to me and I feel that because I am foreign the fact that I have already had 2 children and therefore experience doesn't count.

She hasn't had children FWIW.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Can you get an appointment with a doctor?

Seriously, she sounds really ill-informed. I would NOT want someone like this near my labour. Are you able to speak to a doctor and request obstetrician care through the birth and essentially make a complaint? You can then get home 'officially' under her care and then boot her out the door

[Queeniebed]

nutnerk - you are right up to a point. Just because you are book smart does not mean you are right. Advice/guidance is changing all the time and I recall having a conversation with my family members about all the different professional advice we had received at different times and most of it was different.

[Harebellmeadow]

Is she your Beleghebamme I.e. She will support you pre-birth and post-birth and also during birth? Or is that a German thing. Or will you have a different set of midwives during the actual birth? Which makes things less bad. Could you ask at the hospital for another midwife, citing possibly language reasons and you need someone who speaks English (just as an excuse).

I loved my time in hospital, five days just to get breastfeeding going. I was fed round the clock and the midwives would take DD if I needed to sleep. And they really diligently helped with breastfeeding. I had a second degree tear and was grateful for the extra help. But maybe you have good reasons for not wanting to stay in hospital, I know it is different for everyone.

If she is there only pre and post birth, its possibly not so bad, you could ensure that DH or a family member is present when she comes by, and feign tiredness so as to have minimal conversation with her. She will weigh baby and check on the belly button and check for jaundice and skin issues. But otherwise she won't have so much to do with you.
If she is there during birth I would seek to replace her - if she speaks for you already and overrides your wishes, things will be worse when you are in pain and not able to defend yourself. Or sack her and get through the three hospital days. You will be sleeping most of the time anyway.

[sleepyhead]

Lots of countries are a bit iffy about gas & air for pain relief, but afaik that's due to theoretical risks to the midwife (frequent exposure to it) rather than anything to do with risks to the baby (this is from memory).

[GreyCloudsToday]

Bizarre midwife. But surely in Austria you can discharge from hospital against advice without having to stay the 3 days? They can't hold you there without your consent.

[FizzyGreenWater]

But it's not just the advice, although she's coming out with absolute nonsense. It's also the attitude. SHE didn't want OP's DH there? Well um excuse me but fuck off because it's my birth, not just a work project for you.

There seems to be a very clear disregard for the idea that part of her role is to SUPPORT the OP in having a good birth. That would be a deadlbreaker for me.

[2sly4you]

What happens if you just discharge yourself after the birth?

[thequeenoftarts]

Can you go back to the UK for the birth? Failing that bypass her and go straight to hospital. I would prefer staying in 3 days than her driving me nuts

[thequeenoftarts]

Sorry just seen how far along you are, doubt you could fly at 38 weeks pregnant in any case.

[Weezol]

That sounds grim. I would nod and smile at all the don't do this/that and then just do your own thing.

A friend here in the UK had a midwife who was a labour microplanner and very judgemental. My friends plan of 'waterbirth but if anything goes awry I will do what the doctors/surgeons recommend' was not considered appropriate.

In the end she copied one out of a very,very popular book and gave it to the midwife. Nothing was said so we assume it wasn't even read.

Birth went ok, stroppy midwife not there as she was off sick. With stress apparently.

[diddl]

" However, midwife is telling me that all other pain relief is bad for the baby so I should either have the epidural or have no pain relief at all."

Surely that is her advice though, which you don't have to accept?

If sweeps are offered, then on what grounds is she refusing?

[Situp]

@nutnerk
I understand what you are saying. The issue for me is that her training shouldn't mean that my experience has no value. I only put it because she hasn't experienced the system from my point of view and seems unwilling to be flexible about her views despite them being quite different to my own.

@Harebellmeadow
It is similar to Germany i think. She will accompany me to the hospital and do my postnatal care but I think that in the hospital the doctor on call will be in control. I guess I am disappointed as I wanted to be midwife led but feel I will need to distance myself from her.

Lots of things are done differently here and I am very open to being flexible - I have lived abroad for 10 of the last 15 years in different countries so realise that I have to adapt but it feels like it is more her personal views than anything official.

I will look at discharging myself but usually here the punishment for not following their recommendations is that your care isn't paid for.

It isn't the end of the world.

[Situp]

@Harebellmeadow

I want to get home because of my other DCs. We obviously have no family nearby and DS suffers from anxiety so I want our family unit back together asap.

I also don't like being in hospital. No fear of medical stuff but I just want to be home.

[HolyShet]

That would be pissing me off enormously.

[lljkk]

OP said Austria.
My experience is limited, but I think it's a very bossy, very direct culture.
I suggest be stubborn and bossy, direct and firm in reply. You can do many things your own way.

[UnicornSnot]

OP this is not your first child but neither is this the first baby to be born in Austria. Since you have elected to give birth there, why don't you try going with the flow?
These are highly trained professional whose methods are a little different to what you are used to, that's all.
Personally I would think it a lot safer giving birth in Austria than in the UK.

[Carameldog]

I had an epidural for an emergency c-section at 2am but was up and in the shower by myself around noon, so about 10 hours later, albeit rather wobbly, so it might not be an epidural that causes you to be stuck for a prolonged period.

Midwife sounds like a pain though, sorry. Hope you can get another.

[UnicornSnot]

OP, sorry hadn't seen your last post!
There are good reasons behind the three days rest after the birth though.
Best wishes OP

[Harebellmeadow]

That is an incredibly valid reason no one can argue with OP.

Could it be possible not to notify her when you go into Labour? Keeping her out of the delivery room is a priority. And if DH can be loud and clear, that will probably be appreciated.
Would it be possible to ask DH (or a friend or neighbor) to be present during the first few midwife home visits? He could spare you from any nonsense from her. It would also be important to make minimal conversation with her without her labeling you with PND.
It doesn't seem right to incur a financial penalty, so I would follow the system but loudly express your requirements.
as an excessively polite Brit in a German speaking land it takes a long time to get yourself heard. But once your start being direkt and clear, things get easier. And you find that people just mean well, they just spout things out, as you are also entitled to do so
Practice your defensive phrases with a steely voice and frozen smile (may take a decade, I am slowly getting there ):
nein, das möchte ich lieber anders machen. So passt es mir nicht
nein, möchte ich nicht
danke für den Tipp. Das schreibe ich mir auf
nette Idee - ich werde es mir mal überlegen

[diddl]

" you can only leave without the requisite 3 days in hospital if you have a MW."

Doesn't she count then?

[Harebellmeadow]

You can't be in Vienna though because they are a dream of politeness, Edwardian levels of politeness. You must be im Provinz or in another city.
Please don't incur financial costs just because of this crazy lady - doesn't sound fair. There must be a way.
And it is good to have a midwife checking on you after the birth, maybe just not a rabid one.

[Situp]

love the phrasebook!

I should only have 1 more appointment with her before the birth so hopefully will be ok.

This is the first time I have lived abroad without speaking the language fluently and it has knocked my confidence a lot since we have been here.

I have spoken to a friend who had another midwife and although she can't take me on she has agreed to have a chat so I can find out what is the way they do things here which is fine and what is her personal views so i can be forearmed.

[Lifeisabeach09]

Drive back to the UK for the birth and stay with family???

[Situp]

@diddl

No she does count, I meant that I couldn't go under the care of the doctors and get rid of her without the extra stay in hospital.

Sorry, didn't want my posts to be too long but realise I may not be totally clear

[Luxembourgmama]

The no bath thing is common in continental europe. I was told 6 weeks. Also the 10 days overdue limit is perhaps a legal think. I was told it was a legal requirement in Luxembourg.