To wish my friend would give it a rest about her birth experience?

[Heatherbell1978]

One of my friends gave birth 6 years ago to her DD. By all accounts it was fairly traumatic; induction, 2 day labour then emergency CS. I think she was taken by surprise by the experience and it shook her up. Her DD was difficult and she went back to work quite early from mat leave. She's a high flyer and quite a perfectionist so things just didn't work out quite as prefect. She won't have any more kids now.

I was very sympathetic at the time although didn't have my own experience to call upon. She used to talk about it all the time and get quite drunk and angry while doing so.

Wind on a few years and I've had DS and DD. Neither birth was 'easy'; DS was back to back and I had a post partum heamorrage after DD which meant a rush into surgery. But both were quick, gas and air only and water births so very lucky in that respect.

I don't see said friend very often but when I do she still talks about the birth. She brought it up while on my birthday night out at the weekend in a very animated way going on about how people who don't have epidurals are stupid for trying to do it naturally and just how horrific it all is. I kept quiet as I just couldn't be bothered saying that actually my experience wasn't but it was a clear dig at me.

Could she still be suffering with some kind of post traumatic stress or something?!

I had PTSD - I strongly recommend counselling if you are able to access it. If not, I found the following book really, really helpful: How to heal a bad birth: making sense, making peace, moving on.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Heal-Bad-Birth-Making/dp/099235160X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

@Oliversmumsarmy That's not how PTSD works. It's great that your traumatic experience didn't lead to ongoing mental health issues for you but that doesn't happen for everyone. Do some research and don't be so heartless.

Indeed @peachgreen.

I had a very difficult birth with dc1, but didn’t get PTSD or feel genuinely traumatised by it, despite some pretty serious complications with the birth and after. Why? Because I was fortunate, not because I ‘just focussed on having a healthy baby at the end of it all’ or whatever .

I also had someone close to me die in sudden circumstances. I didn’t happen to need counselling over it. Does that mean that someone who loses their loved one in similar circumstances should just get over it?

The comparison to soldiers returning from war makes a lot of sense to me. Not every soldier who has experienced the same trauma will end up with PTSD.

Some of these “I had a traumatic birth, but I just got on with it” posts, I find deeply unpleasant. Like crowing tinged with a complete lack of compassion, empathy or a basic understanding that things do not effect everyone in the same way.

Whether a traumatic incident results in PTSD or not very much depends on how well supported the victim is in the aftermath, and also the 'baggage' that person was carrying when the trauma occurred. For example, a trauma that happened at a time when they were already vulnerable (such as during a relationship break up, or bereavement) is more likely to result in PTSD. Also a trauma that links into another traumatic event, earlier in that person's history, will be more likely to suffer PTSD.

As an example, in the case of birth trauma, anything like a sibling who was stillborn, a mother who talked a lot about her own traumatic labours, a friend who has recently nearly died in a traumatic birth, past sexual abuse or rape - all could raise the temperature of the birth trauma.

I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD after a traumatic birth. Waking up drenched in sweat after dreaming about the birth, couldn't stop repeating the story over and over and generally couldn't enjoy my life with my baby at first because of the thought of it. This was only 5 months ago I gave birth and I have been incredibly lucky to have a great HV, a good doctor and a supportive partner and family so I got help very quickly and was prioritised CBT which has helped. I'm guessing your poor friend wasn't ever really given much help for her to still be feeling like this after 6 years? I get where your coming from that you have had to listen about her birth experience for 6 years, it must have been a downer on your birthday and she shouldn't be putting you down in anyway but just think she has had to live with PTSD probably undiagnosed and unsupported for all that time. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I hope she is able to find some help and closure.

Poor lady.
You having to hear the same story more than once < the trauma she has been through and her mind has perceived.
Trauma can be a funny one, you can think it doesn’t bother you then it hits you way down the line. Telling and retelling a story can be quite therapeutic - YABVVVVU to think that your irritance at her talking about it all the time is more important than how she might be feeling.

It's not healthy for her to bring it up over and over with friends nor make what seem like resentful comments because their birth experiences were less traumatic. What she clearly needs is counselling with a trained professional.

Maybe then she would heal emotionally and could count her blessings that she's physically still able to have more children, my Mom couldn't after the world's most negligent doctor delivered me.

Oliversmumsarmy That's not how PTSD works. It's great that your traumatic experience didn't lead to ongoing mental health issues for you but that doesn't happen for everyone. Do some research and don't be so heartless

I actually was agreeing with Kerala who basically said either get over it or seek help.

I think you need to give her call on e evening this week. Tell her it was nice to see her but you are worried about her. She needs help.
She might not like to hear it, but it's coming from a place of kindness.

peach There are more people suffering from PTSD as a result of childbirth than there are as a result of active military service, and the rate of occurrence is higher too.

People manage to find sympathy for veterans who find it difficult on Nov 5th, but anyone who achieved the supposed supreme gold star of womanhood by walking (limping) away with a baby should just be grateful and get on with it....

Out of interest Olivias, would that also be your attitude to a war vet?

Still struggling a few years after you saw your best mate blown to pieces and lost your foot? Well either get over it or get help!

It sort of assumes people have never tried to get help, or that 'getting help' is some magic pill you take and your life is just sparkly superb immediately afterwards...it takes no account of relapses...or complications...or being called into active service again (as doesn't really happen to war vets, but does happen to women).

Oliversmumsarmy

Your ignorance is really upsetting to read.
Everyone experiences things differently.

Gosh your poor friend. I had a placenta abruption 5 years ago with my daughter and it still haunts me now and yes I still talk to my friends about it. She needs supporting.

*oliversmumsarmy - as I said up thread, I have sought help and no help is available to me. So what am I supposed to do now? It isn't something you can "just get over". Your ignorance is astounding and I hope to god you never have to go through anything like this.

@Morphene I agree - I'm not sure why you're replying to me, I have PTSD myself from something MUCH less traumatic than childbirth and have nothing but sympathy for anyone suffering from it...

@Oliversmumsarmy Both you and @KERALA1 have proven yourselves to be ignorant beyond belief on this topic. PTSD doesn't go away overnight - or ever - even when someone does seek help. And it's certainly not something you can 'get over'. It's also hard to seek help, precisely because of the ignorant opinions of people like you who think that so long as a woman has a healthy baby she's got nothing to complain about.

I had a similar experience to her.. maybe worse as mine was crash CS and was diagnosed with PTSD
The only way I was able to make peace with it was through counselling
I went to the maternity hospital and sat down with one of the gyne doctors who went through my notes from the birth bit by bit, step by step. She was absolutely amazing. Once I'd understood what happened and why, I was able to put it to bed and move on.
Maybe your friend could do with something like this

I am a little confused as to what everyone is getting at me for.

If you have a traumatic experience some people will get over it and some will need help. It might take time to realise this.
No where have I said that it would be a quick fix.
It might take years but it you can only start the healing process if you seek help.

What is the alternative if you can't get over something and seeking help is just being ignorant or it doesn't work like that.

I am a little confused as to what everyone is getting at me for.

Really ? Even your most recent post where you’ve tried to defend your views you sound very insensitive. Your earlier posts were worse, though you definitely aren’t the only one who I think has been insensitive on here. All of the “I had a difficult birth too and I just focussed on how lucky I was to have a healthy baby” read like nasty, crowing, smirky bullshit.

And I say that as someone who had a very complicated birth with dc1, but was fortunate enough not to be traumatised by it. Not because I “focussed on having a healthy baby” as you and some others suggested, but because I was lucky.

Why am I ignorant . I never claimed to be an expert on mental health and said you should get help if its affecting your normal life years later - why is that controversial?

Admit I was in no position to "support" the woman I met who was very exercised about her birth not being as she wanted because 1. I didn't know her very well she was a random I met at baby group and 2. I did think she should be comforted by having a baby as my secretary's baby died a week after we both had ours due to an error in labour she was the one I felt devastated for. In OPs position I would feel sorry for the friend but would gently encourage her to get professional help as eventually its not fair on those around you.

I did think she should be comforted by having a baby as my secretary's baby died a week after we both had ours due to an error in labour she was the one I felt devastated for

There’s always a worse possible scenario though. If you knew another woman who lost her baby and also died, or who lost two babies, would you have been less devestated for your secretary and felt that your secretary should feel comforted, because someone else had it worse? I bloody well hope not and, knowing you from other threads, where I usually agree with you, I imagine not.

vile? Really? How? In what way am I vile? I showed this lady nothing but sympathy - it was extremely draining at the time as I was in the same boat recovering from a worse birth than hers was. And yes, for me, having a baby made the grimness bearable especially with what happened to my friend. That's my own experience and I will not have that denied by a mumsnet virtue signaller..

Oliversmumsarmy & Kerala1

Attitudes like yours make things so so so much harder for those of us who had mental health problems after birth

Please try to listen and learn from what others are telling you here

It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues.