To wish my friend would give it a rest about her birth experience?

[Heatherbell1978]

One of my friends gave birth 6 years ago to her DD. By all accounts it was fairly traumatic; induction, 2 day labour then emergency CS. I think she was taken by surprise by the experience and it shook her up. Her DD was difficult and she went back to work quite early from mat leave. She's a high flyer and quite a perfectionist so things just didn't work out quite as prefect. She won't have any more kids now.

I was very sympathetic at the time although didn't have my own experience to call upon. She used to talk about it all the time and get quite drunk and angry while doing so.

Wind on a few years and I've had DS and DD. Neither birth was 'easy'; DS was back to back and I had a post partum heamorrage after DD which meant a rush into surgery. But both were quick, gas and air only and water births so very lucky in that respect.

I don't see said friend very often but when I do she still talks about the birth. She brought it up while on my birthday night out at the weekend in a very animated way going on about how people who don't have epidurals are stupid for trying to do it naturally and just how horrific it all is. I kept quiet as I just couldn't be bothered saying that actually my experience wasn't but it was a clear dig at me.

Could she still be suffering with some kind of post traumatic stress or something?!

I met a woman like that when I had dd1. Over 40 first time mother, perfectionist, birth was to be a wTer birth with candles, chanting etc. Like me she had horrid labour then rushed panicked emergency c section. I stopped seeing her in the end due to her rants about being robbed of her birth experience esp when my friends baby died during labour at the same time we had ours.

My birth was fucking awful - dh and I both woke up screaming during the night for months after it as hospital cock up led to newborn being suffocated and dh raised alarm staff sent for retraining etc but ultimately we had our baby and I was physically unscathed so you have to move on or seek help if you can't.

Oliversmumsarmy

she has a beautiful DD at the end of it

This is possibly the single most infuriating thing people say to me. Like DS being healthy is the ONLY thing that matters. Sod me, sod my mental and phsycal health, sod the fact I'm possibly permenantly disabled and need surgery. Sod the nightmares, cold sweats and terror when I thought I was pregnant. Sod the damage to my relationship with DH, with friends, Sod the remains of my life.

People who have dreadful births can suffer from a form of PTSD, it sounds as if that's what's happened to this poor woman. She's clearly deeply scarred. I feel very sorry for her, she needs professional help.

I agree with you DailyMail. Apparently you can put a woman through anything and she should be able to put it all aside if at least her baby survives. Not even "survives unharmed" (no cerebral palsy etc.), but just survives.

I had ptsd following a traumatic birth and the retelling is a symptom. You're basically stuck in that moment and can't move on.

If she brings it up again ask her if she still feels she's struggling with it. Alternatively share one of the multiple articles about birth trauma with her. It may open up a way to speak to her or make her realise she needs help.

Please be patient with her!! I know I was such a bore after this happened to me and I'm eternally grateful to my friends for their support.

Agree with others, poor woman, she's stuck in a trauma memory. Please try and help her to get some help. As someone who was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth of my DC, counselling was the only thing that helped me mentally move on.

Please be kind to her, yellowflower is right she's stuck and can't move on. It is really difficult to move on if you suffer flash backs, fear sex because you don't want to go through it again, etc.
It's not a feeling you haven't had the perfect birth or just that you are not in control of the situation, it's that there's whole parts you can't remember and every so often you remember a bit more in the form of a flashback when you're least expecting it, I think the drugs made it worse. And yes I'm very grateful my baby and I made it through physically unscathed because I know others didn't but not everyone who's had an horrific birth can shove the experience in a box.

Could it be that it is a subconscious attempt to stay in the “baby” phase as her Dd (and herself) get older?

Or maybe she leant that people were sympathetic and gave her attention when she told the story initially and now it’s become part of her narrative. She relies on it for attention and sympathy without even realising it. Or realising that people don’t view it the same after 6 years as they did after 6 weeks.

I wouldn’t be so quick to diagnose it as ptsd. It could be part of some other disorder of some degree.

Sparkly surely if she just wanted attention and realised she wasn't getting it anymore she'd move onto some other topic!!

The woman's experience affected her to a degree where she didn't want another child. If she wanted the baby stage she'd just have another wouldn't she.

Thanks for all your responses. It definitely sounds like she has PTSD and I'll need to find a way to suggest help...I think it's the manner by which it manifests itself that bothers me. I don't like confrontation and I guess am quite introverted so having someone acting so aggressive about it is hard for me personally. I do think her perfectionism has something to do with it though. She read every book under the sun about childbirth, didn't go to NCT (or equivalent) as she decided she knew everything she needed to know about childbirth from the books she read....so I think was very unprepared for what actually happened.

I’m wondering why ptsd is not as sympathetically viewed as other mental health issues on here. You know what, I nearly died, my baby nearly died, had a crash c section under general, baby very ill in nicu, I was in intensive care, had crash team called 5 times in following week (all the time being pressured to breastfeed - I mean wtf). So not surprising I was traumatised (although no doubt someone will be a long to say you’re not the first to have a baby)i made sure I gave borth in a proper hospital as I knew someone who died giving birth so I felt like my situation just proved it. Everytime someone I know talks about home birth/mid wife unit it’s a massive trigger for me as I know how dangerous it is and how quickly things go wrong. I actually want to shake them but instead smile and say good luck, inside I’m screaming you’ll die (I know it’s irrational) then worry nonstop TIL they are home with the baby. But I wonder why we don’t all say to people who are non birth related depressed, I’ve gone through the same and I’m fine so get a grip. It’s because it’s a stupid and unreasonable response!

Sounds like PTSD to me as well. I think all you can do is start gently suggesting she needs some help. I suspect counselling is the only thing which may really make a difference. After all this time it breaks my
heart that it's clearly affecting her so much still. I hope she listens and gets some help.

I was like your friend minus the c section at the end.It def put me off having anymore and 4 yrs on i still get stressed at the thought of being in labour again

I've had PTSD and it's like groundhog day. Even with CBT i couldnt stop the thoughts popping into my head. And i was full of anger.
I feel for your friend. She needs help.

@Dipitydoda I think people can't understand how some people can react in a different way to an event than they did. There's a lot of "my birth was traumatic but I'm fine" going on here - people don't understand that that's not how PTSD works.

I've lived through several events in my life that nobody would argue weren't incredibly traumatic, but I coped with those fine. What triggered my PTSD was a fairly normal, every day event - a particularly unpleasant example, but something that happens to everyone. That didn't stop me from developing PTSD and it therefore destroying my life for a time.

People don't get it and probably never will unless they experience it themselves.

Tbh op. It doesn’t sound like you really like her? Are you even friends?

@peachgreen I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. Some people can’t see beyond their own thoughts and experiences. You would think they could extrapolate this point and think, why does every solider not come home with ptsd, why does everyone not have depression? I wonder if the same people also would force feed someone with a nut allergy with peanuts, as they eat them regularly and are fine, so surely everyone else should be able to eat nuts too! It’s actually very sad in this day and age that Someone with mental health issues can be told to get a grip and stop boring everyone! And daily fail if you’re reading this how about doing a responsible bit of journalism on this topic, raising awareness that postnatal mental health is not limited to post natal depression.

I feel sorry for your friend
I think she needs support and help.
Are you good friends with her (couldn't work out if you liked her or not from the OP) if so I would support and suggest help.

I talked about DS birth for months afterwards, until after trying to talk to my GP about it (she was rather dismissive) I realised that talking about it led to a sleepless night as I relived the whole thing from start to finish.

Then I stopped talking about it and started trying to avoid mention of labour and birth, though I still end up talking about it online too much, so I am retelling bits of it fairly regularly.

DS will be 5 this year.

Your friend needs help.

As someone who has PTSD, this sounds to me like possible PTSD. Repeating the story is a way of processing. Can you point her towards NICE recommended PTSD treatment such as trauma related Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and EMDR?

You can also ask to review your maternity notes with a specially trained midwife, who is used to supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I wonder if saying you're really worried about her, and printing off a PTSD check list might help.

@Dipitydoda I think it's not PTSD generally, it's just PTSD from child birth which gets that response and it's not just here, it's everywhere.

My PTSD originates with something which most people accept is traumatic and whilst my Ds's arrival triggered a relapse, I had no issues being taken seriously by my GP, and the Psychiatrist and Psychologist I was referred to. From speaking to other women on the Birth Trauma Association, that doesn't seem to always be the case when it comes to trauma caused by birth and without any other underlying cause.

It's one of the things which annoys me tremendously about maternity care.

It's one of the things which annoys me tremendously about maternity care.

So many things get dismissed when you are pregnant/have just given birth, it was quite eye-opening given that up until then I'd mostly had good experiences with medical professionals.

Not doing it again, even though if I did this time I'd have better knowledge and be more able to dig my heels in and insist that yes I do want anti-nausea drugs and no I don't want to be induced, I just don't want to have to do that at a vulnerable time - and it's been made clear to me that I'd have to.

Be kind OP. I still think of the horrible birth of DS1 every day and that was over 30 years ago. I’ve had counselling. It doesn’t go away. I still find OBEM triggering and I still cringe when I meet a new member of staff who introduces themselves as a MW.

I suspect she is still traumatised by her experience. My DM still gets upset about my birth (I'm 37!).

*she has a beautiful DD at the end of it

This is possibly the single most infuriating thing people say to me. Like DS being healthy is the ONLY thing that matters*

For me it is the thing that mattered.

Just for more information I slipped 2 discs in my back whilst pregnant and was in constant pain, went around on a zimmer frame for 5 years before I got someone to actually look at me. Nothing about dds birth went according to any plan. I don't know anyone who had a birth go according to their birth plan. Mine started when my waters broke then 53 hours in labour, induced, meconium, and dd was laying back to back. The most excruciating pain I could ever imagine.

I think Kerala sums it up.

My birth was fucking awful - dh and I both woke up screaming during the night for months after it as hospital cock up led to newborn being suffocated and dh raised alarm staff sent for retraining etc but ultimately we had our baby and I was physically unscathed so you have to move on or seek help if you can't