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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If small dc had drastic hair cut would you stare at said child or say something positive!

54 replies

Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 09:36

Dd is 6 and had long hair which she wouldn't let me brush properly. We decided she would get a really good cut. She was nervous about it, initially after the chop she cried.
Then we had a positive turn around and she said she liked it. But she is 6.
Mil saw her, noticed her hair and said over and over in a strange voice.. Oh, your hair has been cut it looks so... So.. Different... So different.

About four times Angry is was waiting for the positive comment.
I said something positive about it. Because it seemed very clear Mil didn't like it. When we got home dd started saying she didn't like her hair because it was different.
Aibu that you use some tact in a situation like that! They have come out with funny comments before..

OP posts:
fluffycat5601 · 16/01/2018 10:21

yeah, bit of tact wouldn't have hurt!

ditzychick34 · 16/01/2018 10:28

That's awful, I bet she looks great, I love a short cut on a girl. MIL definitely should have used some tact, maybe suggest a "photo shoot" the two of you to make DD feel good about it by seeing all the lovely pictures

Bambamber · 16/01/2018 10:28

YANBU. Even if you don't like it, You don't let on. Poor kid

Glumglowworm · 16/01/2018 10:32

MIL needs to remember the old “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. It doesn’t apply to all situations in life but it certainly does apply to a young child’s hair cut

MissP103 · 16/01/2018 10:33

Yanbu, 4 times is too many. Once would have been fine. Maybe mention it to her before the next time

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 10:33

It is created such a horrible atmosphere. I was furious. It's just endless with her. My dh has zero confidence.. She can't seem to say a nice thing.
Earlier this year fil was asking about school and dd older is doing extremely well. Mil said nothing. Except that her niece also did well at school! She did nt say well done, nothing. In fact she walks away like she can't bear to hear it Confused

I just think stuff like this could... Give kids a complex?!

Dd looks so super cute.. It's adorable but it wasn't really cut with the aesthetic in mind it was more hair maintenance really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 10:35

Glum that's exactly what I was thinking! If you can't say something nice... Angry

OP posts:
Witchend · 16/01/2018 10:37

Yes, it would be nice if she'd said something nice about it, but if she wasn't expecting it, then she may have just been caught off-guard.
It has, on occasion, happened to me where something totally unexpected has ended with me stammering something inane like "oh, it's different" even if I actually quite liked it.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/01/2018 10:42

MIL is a twat. You should tell her that she upset your DD and that next time she sees her she needs to correct herself, say that it was a surprise but now she’s used to it, it looks lovely. And that if she can’t then DD won’t be coming to visit as she doesn’t need to be around people who make her feel bad.

My dd has her hair in a v short pixie cut and I warned her before we did it that some people will make rude remarks and that she needed to be prepared for people saying she has a boy’s haircut etc. Luckily most people have been very complimentary about it, as she does look gorgeous. Anyone who has said anything negative has been given a withering look by her, as she’s confident enough and feminist enough at the age of 11 to stand her ground. However at 6 I know she’d have struggled if someone had been mean to her or said what your MIL said, which is clearly not positive.

I’ve always had mine short and it saddens me how many parents struggle with brushing and endless nit combing when a shorter cut could help, but long hair is seen as the holy grail for girls. Such outdated nonsense.

MrsHathaway · 16/01/2018 10:42

Of course you find something positive to say about it once you've drawn attention to it. FFS, you'd do that for an adult, let alone a child.

The usual tip for a small girl who's had her hair drastically chopped is to draw parallels with Rapunzel (the Tangled version). She's no less a badass princess with different hair.

dobbythedoggy · 16/01/2018 10:42

How horrible for your dd!

I had a key child who aged 3 had her waist length curls shaved off. The other children noticed and commented on it. But once the fact she'd had her cut had been acknowledged they moved on and lots of compliments were given to her.
Some of the junior members of staff on the other hand seemed to think it was okay to make vile comments in the staff room. They had the misfortune to have myself and the manager walk in on them.
It turned out the beautiful girl's hair had been styled to hide ever growing bold patches her mum had been too upset to tell us about, we never had any reason to fo near her hair as it was always perfectly done. Everytime her hair was brushed or washed at home chunks and chuncks were falling out. She as starting to find it distressing and asked for hair to be all gone. So her dad had taken the clippers to it. With lots of care and attention luckily her hair grew back and didn't fall out again.

Mil should know better!

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/01/2018 10:44

The chop was a big change for dd so yes, if mil couldn't have said anything nice she could have kept her lips sealed.

If your dd is still finding it hard, remind her that hair grows back. But also maybe look at some celebs with fantastic short dos, just because although I think sometimes we can be a bit too led by looks, at times like this seeing Halle berry or Emma Watson with their short hair, Miley Cyrus even, it can help girls realise it's not all about long rapunzel like hair (and even she had hers chopped)

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 10:48

Dd is fine mostly now it was just to show that Mil comments did affect her.

In fairness yes it did catch her off guard but I still expect her to have realised what she had said and quickly rally to say..it looks lovley.
I dived in to say it looked lovely and she didn't pick up on that cue. Dh was annoyed as well so I asked him why he didn't prompt her to say something nice Hmm. As I said it wasn't a quick comment.

Some sad stories here about nasty comments. How can people do it to children!

OP posts:
Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 16/01/2018 10:53

I would normally tell a small child how lovely and grown up they look with their new hair! No need to make a weird scene!

MissionItsPossible · 16/01/2018 10:54

Even if you don't like it, even if you think it was the most awful decision, you at least display some tact and tell a 6 year old child that it looks nice. It's not hard. I don't always put it down to ignorance either, I think some people just like being negative and making others feel that way too.

MissT84 · 16/01/2018 10:59

Mil was bu. Even if you don't like it you say how lovely it is, how grown up they look, how much you like it. It doesn't hurt to be tactful.

My ds had a haircut once.(dad took him).. number 2 all over (normally it is just trimmed) OMG I was livid and hated it....but had to smile and say how cool he looked. Lol

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 16/01/2018 10:59

Stop taking them to see her! She sounds awful.

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:00

Misson I can only come to that conclusion about Mil now. I can't think of anything positive she has said in years. Once I was saying how handsome dh was and she charged through the group saying goodbye and said 'that's because he is my son' Hmm that's as close as she has come to saying something nice.
Dh has zero confidence and was a mouse when I met him. Yes he is getting much better and always has over the years but he still struggles to take any compliment.
He looks devastatingly handsome once going out in an old tux. Mil just said he looked scruffy and pointed out with disgust the teeny tiny drop of paint on it.
Anyway I'm rambling off course now.
If I was dh I would just say something before she sees her again eg 'by the way when you see dd please say something nice about her hair you upset her last time'

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/01/2018 11:01

Exactly MrsHathaway, dd and I always preferred Rapunzels short brown do!

MissDuke · 16/01/2018 11:03

Dd who was 5, got hers chopped last summer and sent her long plait off to the princess trust. She has had nothing but compliments, she got a very pretty bob cut and it does look great. I would be raging if someone had reacted as your mil did!

Eldest dd once chopped her own and it was hideous looking, she did get a lot of strange looks and comments and it drove me insane even though it actually was terrible looking!!!

Mishappening · 16/01/2018 11:03

Oh MIL! - I bet she wishes she could turn the clock back and get it right!

I have GC and did a double take when one of them had his gorgeous blond curls chopped off - but I did say how smart and grown up he looked - whilst inwardly groaning - it really looked crap!!

FeralBeryl · 16/01/2018 11:06

My MIL does this with DH. I used to be apoplectic for the first few years, until I realised (in his case) that its literally water off a duck's back.
She does it to build up DH's Fucking awful brother, who is the self made underdog.
It just amuses DH.
She also described one of my DD's hair as too short. We'd had it cut to thicken it up as DD desperately wants longer, thicker hair so she was distraught.

People just don't think, but if it causes harm or distress to another, I won't hesitate to raise it as an issue.

nutnerk · 16/01/2018 11:07

My grandmother would constantly pick at physical appearance with me and my mother and it has greatly affected both of us!!

At age 16 I had no idea I had stretch marks or that they were a bad thing, until she pointed them out while I was wearing a bikini on a beach.

She helped out with our housework as both parents worked full time and would always put my mothers trousers onto my dad's pile "as they are huge and couldn't possibly be hers" - my moms method was ignoring her!

But - i wish that she hadn't. I wish she had stood up for me more.

Please speak to your mother and remind her how damaging these comments can be. I would have loved to have grown up completely unaware of my 'flaws' and just got loving attention and deserved praise!

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:10

Nutkerk unfortunately it's not my dm otherwise I would have pulled her aside and got her to go back and say she something nice.
Poor dh just stood mute.

OP posts:
PinkyBlunder · 16/01/2018 11:13

I think judging how a young child looks or what they wear etc is pretty disgusting to be honest. Adults can defend themselves against behaviour like that, a 6 year old can’t. I’m not surprised you were pissed OP.

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