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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If small dc had drastic hair cut would you stare at said child or say something positive!

54 replies

Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 09:36

Dd is 6 and had long hair which she wouldn't let me brush properly. We decided she would get a really good cut. She was nervous about it, initially after the chop she cried.
Then we had a positive turn around and she said she liked it. But she is 6.
Mil saw her, noticed her hair and said over and over in a strange voice.. Oh, your hair has been cut it looks so... So.. Different... So different.

About four times Angry is was waiting for the positive comment.
I said something positive about it. Because it seemed very clear Mil didn't like it. When we got home dd started saying she didn't like her hair because it was different.
Aibu that you use some tact in a situation like that! They have come out with funny comments before..

OP posts:
Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:16

If it was a one off comment in among normally warm lovely ones I wouldn't feel so cross. But it's just another incident in a long line off then afaiac.

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/01/2018 11:16

Why did YOU not say something to MIL? you are more than able to challenge her on this.

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:17

I Just wanted imagine myself going up to her and saying same thing... Who would do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:18

Hissy I did, I waited for her to stop saying it or add on a positive comment when it was clear nothing was forth coming I did dive in and say.. We love it don't we dd etc it looks cute etc...

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 16/01/2018 11:18

It sounds like your DH's sibling is the Golden Child and your DH is her Scapegoat. Thats very unhealthy.
You cant fix her, you might have to start doing some pretty fierce damage limitation.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

WalkingEverywhere · 16/01/2018 11:18

If I had a MIL like this I'd stop sharing information about the kids with her as much as possible. There is no need for her to know how the kids are doing at school especially if she is just going to bang on about how much better her other niece is doing.

PinkyBlunder · 16/01/2018 11:23

Exactly what Walking says. We’ve had to stop sharing with my MIL. I got so sick of the constant competition, especially in earshot of her GC. It can be really damaging.

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:28

Irk I have just read that open mouthed in shock.
I have not mentioned his dsis actually, it was mils sisters dc, her niece who I mentioned in but dh does have a dsis and this is the the dynamic exactly.

Dsis let's Mil do and choose everything for her. Dsis is very much feted and held up to us all the time time as the example to follow, even trying to refer us to sil for help getting a new fridge when in the course of conversation we mentioned ours was broken.
Sil is in their eyes successfull dh is the runt. It's infuriating.
We have gone much lower contact but as you can see even this small recent interlude has been upsetting.

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/01/2018 11:30

Your MIL is a drain. she sucks the joy and happiness out of everyone and everything. She cant bear someone else being happy

You need to pull her up because you are the only one who can. Make her life uncomfortable by not letting her have an inch

If I were you I would take her to one side and say that she may have conditioned your H to take her constant misery-making, but that you are cut from a different cloth and nobody on the face of this earth will talk to you or your DD, or your DH for that matter in this negative and miserable fashion. Tell her you're on to her and you won't have it.

nutnerk · 16/01/2018 11:38

I know that people on here say 'his family, his problem', but I don't see an issue if you were to say something unless you have a very frictional relationship.

I'm going to stereotype - but my OH (male) would struggle to understand it from my point of view. Perhaps that's why, he doesn't get it from a female point of view.

One of the best things you can do is just be her biggest fan. Compliment her, praise her and give her confidence. When MIL says something weird or mean to her, talk about it later, even joke about it to negate any bad feeling there.

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 11:39

Hissy I must admit in the few times I have seen her recently I have been much more head on with her, whereas before I would sit and smile and say nothing. But I also fear it is won't change her but it does change me and drags me down to her level.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 16/01/2018 11:47

I also make a point to politely call her out on it if it's meant towards DCs.

It's important for your children to see that you are acting as their advocate.

 My earlier example, I stared at her with a fixed grin and said 'yes, it is short, but I'm sure you also meant to say how beautiful it looks and that DD would suit any hair style. Didn't you?'

I have deployed the emergency MN classic 'did you mean to be so rude?'

I have also, on other occasions softened it slightly to 'I'm not sure if you meant that to sound so hurtful, but it was'

PinkyBlunder · 16/01/2018 12:05

Some really good advice here. I’m following with interest.

OP it would be totally feasible (minus a couple of minor details like family setup) that we have the same MIL Grin where do these women come from?!

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2018 12:10

Absolutely she should have said something positive- but did she know in advance that it was going to be done?there are often Mumsnet threads where children get their hair cut by they father, for example, and the mother bursts into tears when she sees it and is sympathized with.........

meredintofpandiculation · 16/01/2018 12:16

With hindsight, if you see a lot of MIL, it could have been useful to warn her (and perhaps even ask her to make a point of saying something nice for DDs sake). For the future, it might be worth being open with DD and acknowledging her GM never says anything nice about anyone, and help her understand that negative comments from her have no meaning (apart from being a reflection of MILs insecurities).

IrkThePurist · 16/01/2018 12:20

You are going to get drama from her every time you see her, you cant change that, but you can learn coping strategies.

Your DH may also need a boost after he's seen her.

Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 12:21

I thinks that's a bit different Bert? One parent doing it? However perhaps your right.
I did once have to cut a small chunk out of dd hair and Mil demanded to know who did it, over and over in quite an aggressive fashion as if she was the parent Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Saysomethingnice · 16/01/2018 12:23

Also not sure sure it you read my thread Hmm but this is in a long line of negative comments in general I did say, if this was a one off in a general warm loving relationship I wouldn't have felt so cross.

OP posts:
Estellanpip · 16/01/2018 12:31

Oh no, sorry OP. She can't be changed, from now on it's going to have to be about damage limitation and safeguarding. As evidenced by your DH, this constant negativity and her being dismissive of achievements DOES have a lasting effect. As DD gets older, MIL will probably start with the comparisons with other girls which is typical of women like her and also very hurtful
Flowers

PinkyBlunder · 16/01/2018 12:35

The child had a haircut ffs, it’s hardly plastic surgery. What’s to warn about?! Hmm

TheNoodlesIncident · 16/01/2018 12:40

My mother is like this too, she never offers praise or compliments. I had thought I had been exaggerating this to myself, seeing it in a distorted by childhood's eye kind of thing, but since having a child myself I have realised that I actually remembered growing up without praise only too well. If DM looked at something I'd done, she would only offer criticism.

The only person to get praise for anything is my eldest DB, and of course - naturally! - his DS. They are the Golden Ones. My mum once sat looking through a book DS had done to practise his handwriting (from age 5), read out his laboriously written sentences... then put the book down and remarked, "I've kept some of the schoolwork that [Golden Grandson] did." And that was it. She could at least have observed how improved DS's writing was by the end, but... nah. Why bother?

We don't see her much. I suggest you pull back a bit from your MIL, OP, these people aren't worth the effort. If you do have to see her, remind your DH and dc beforehand what she's like.

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2018 12:47

It doesn”t matter-who did it. It’s still a shock.

bridgetoc · 16/01/2018 13:26

YABU...... You gave your daughter a haircut she disliked so much she cried. It's not a big deal........ However don't take this out on your poor MIL who only gave her opinion, and did so politely. Teach your daughter to take things on the chin, and accept criticism, and the fact that people are allowed their own opinion, and it's o.k for them to express it, as long as they aren't being rude. Do not listen to the snowflake brigade.......

Hissy · 16/01/2018 13:30

But I also fear it is won't change her but it does change me and drags me down to her level.

I bet it will actually change things if you do call her out actually. It's not dragging down to her level at all, it's not putting up with her shit anymore

You simply can't stand by and let her start treating your daughter the way she treated her son.

She needs telling that unless she is prepared to be a positive and happy addition to your lives then tbh, you won't hesitate to limit the exposure to her nasty little comments and put-downs.

Your poor h may have had nobody to look out for him when he was a kid, but he does now, as does your DD.

Eolian · 16/01/2018 13:30

My dd (aged about 10 at the time) sent MIL a photo of her new hair cut. MIL actually replied that it was too short! Fortunately dd is very confident and is happy to ignore others' unwelcome opinions, but I was furious!