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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's at it again isn't he?

88 replies

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 13:04

Last year I gave an ultimatum- give up gambling or I'm leaving. He gave up and I believed him fully. He told me his online bank details and encouraged me to monitor the account to prove that he was no longer gambling. He did so well and in the end I didn't feel the need to be checking his account.

This past week I've be been a bit suspicious (he's not wanting to spend money when we go out, taking ages to go to the shop round the corner etc) so decided to log into his account and I think he has been gambling again. On Thursday there were 2 transactions from the same ATM at a service station where there was a £1.99 fee for each withdrawal. He's a truck driver so often makes stops at service stations and is where he usually gambles. I didn't say anything although I'm not really sure why.

He went to the takeaway on Friday and seemed to take a long time so I checked his account whilst he was out, he withdrew £60 whilst he was out and when I looked in his wallet when he was home there was nothing in there. Our takeaway only cost £20 and he took the cash with him from home.

I have logged in to his account and he's been at the service station again today. 2 transactions with ATM fees one after the other.

I'm livid and I don't know how to approach this. I have a feeling that if I confront him he will lie and we will end up having a huge row.

Please help. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

araiwa · 15/01/2018 13:06

Leave him

user1494670108 · 15/01/2018 13:06

I think you need to carry out your ultimatum even if it is just temporary.
You know best but it certainly looks as if he's back up his old tricks

Costacoffeeplease · 15/01/2018 13:06

Well you gave him an ultimatum - if he’s gambling again then it’s game over isn’t it? You only get to have one ultimatum

etap · 15/01/2018 13:07

He needs help.

jaseyraex · 15/01/2018 13:08

Has he ever gotten actual help for the gambling addiction? I would struggle to leave without knowing he had done everything he could to combat it, giving up an addiction cold turkey is hard. That said, it's obviously up to you how you deal with it.

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 13:08

He's definitely up to something dodgy withdrawing sums like that regularly. Might be gambling, might be drugs or prostitutes. The only way you're gonna find out is asking him. Given that you had his full encouragement to view his accounts when he was trying to stop before it shouldn't be a problem to tell him that as you noticed he was taking ages out of the house you had a look at his statement, print it out and ring the transactions so you can put them on the table in front of him and ask what they were for. His reaction will tell you all you need to know OP. If he gets defensive or angry you'll know it's gambling, as if he wasn't gambling he'd have an answer and want to prove any was he can that he isn't, and he wouldn't blame you for wondering given his past behaviour.

I'd also go with 'if you tell me the truth we can work through this together. But if you breathe one word of a lie to me we are finished', if you are willing to follow through with it.

You handled it strongly last year and it worked (for a time), didn't it? You weren't a pushover, you laid down your expectations for the relationship and he got in line. Time to do it again.

DriggleDraggle · 15/01/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 13:10

Oh and before you have the discussion, pack him some bags. Have them ready to hand over to him if he doesn't tell the truth. Make it clear you're serious and you will leave him. Gambling is a very tough addiction to break but many find it hard to stop until the cons outweigh the pros. Having said all of that, you're well within your rights to just walk if he admits he has gambled given that he broke your trust and has been lying to you about it.

mumpoints · 15/01/2018 13:19

Why two transactions one after the other? Was he withdrawing the maximum amount or something?

How long had he been "clean" for?

FizzyGreenWater · 15/01/2018 13:23

You have to leave.

This will ruin your life, HE will ruin your life. You know it.

You've done the ultimatum so there's nowhere else to go. You either leave or ou stay, which is basically the green light- 'I say I'll leave but when you call my bluff and gamble again, I won't. So gamble, take m down with you, you don't need to fear losing me- I'll clearly stay.'

☹️ Don't be that person.

Do you have children? Joint assets, a house?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2018 13:32

He didn’t withdraw the maximum amount he was able on the first occasion. It sounds as if he went for a few bets, lost the lot and went back for more money to try to win back his losses.

You know what you have to do. Ie follow through. Can you do it though? It’s ruining your life.

MrsHathaway · 15/01/2018 13:34

What needs to happen for you to split? Practically, I mean.

For example, do you own the house you live in, or do you rent it?
Can you afford your home on your own? Can he?
Do you have children together?
Are you in paid work?
Do you have any joint accounts/savings as well as his current account? If so, have you been keeping an eye on those too?

When you know what a split would look like in practical terms, you'll be in a better position to confront him.

"What did you spend sixty quid on in cash last Friday?"

If he says he didn't, you know he's lying.

As an aside, and this isn't something you need to tell him of course, leaving doesn't necessarily mean forever, if that's what's frightening you. But I agree with pps that having set the ultimatum you have to stick to it. You would need to expect to be apart for a while. Maybe you'd get back together in five years' time when he's completely kicked the habit; maybe you'll meet your actual soul mate in March and wonder what you ever saw in him. The world is your oyster.

TrinitySquirrel · 15/01/2018 13:36

Prostitutes? Savings jar? Very expensive tastes in secret biscuit eating?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/01/2018 13:36

Do you any betting shops near by? He could nipped into one on the way.

boringbertha · 15/01/2018 13:37

Yes as others have already said, leave him before he drags you into the gutter with him. I did, BEST thing I ever did. Good luck x

mumpoints · 15/01/2018 13:40

Mummyoflittledragon that is what I'm wondering, whether he has set himself a limit and immediately goes over it.

OP all your hope and future dreams are going in that machine or whatever he doing, you have to call it a day or decide to live with his addiction.

Original poster

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 13:43

@mumpoints He seems to be withdrawing a smallish amount first (£30) then takes out £40 a short while after. I think he may be trying to win off a smaller amount in the first instance then withdraws more to try and win some of his money back. It's not a lot compared to what he's gambled in the past. He us d to gamble £150-£200 at a time. Just since Thursday though it's amounted to £200 and I fear it will only get worse.

We have 2 DC together and live in a rented house. I can't even think about the practicalities yet but we don't have any joint accounts. He mention yesterday that he only has £500 of his Christmas bonus left as he's been buying some equipment which was another lie as I've seen in his bank that he only had £200 left. It's all such a mess.

OP posts:

Original poster

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 13:44

@TaliZorahVasNormandy Yes there is a betting shop near us which is where I think he went on Friday.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2018 13:46

It is a big mess. Can you afford to go it alone? Or can you move in with family even temporarily? He’s just going to continue if you don’t act.

letsdolunch321 · 15/01/2018 13:52

Pack his bags for him. He has gone back on his word - until you find out differently make him leave

Ellie56 · 15/01/2018 13:54

You need to leave OP. He will drag you and your kids down with him. And you did give him an ultimatum.

Pack his bags now.

Figgygal · 15/01/2018 13:55

confront him with what you have seen and then tell him to pack his bags you told him the consequences of carrying on gambling and he has relapsed. think of your kids he may as well be taking a match to that money and it could be greatly improving all of your lives.

follow through!!

Ellie56 · 15/01/2018 13:56

Sorry that should have been "You need to tell him to leave".

calzone · 15/01/2018 13:57

You need to go through with your ultimatum or he will spend everything and leave you with nothing.

bettytaghetti · 15/01/2018 13:58

Would he hand over his cards to you so you could give him cash as & when he needs it?

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