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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's at it again isn't he?

88 replies

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 13:04

Last year I gave an ultimatum- give up gambling or I'm leaving. He gave up and I believed him fully. He told me his online bank details and encouraged me to monitor the account to prove that he was no longer gambling. He did so well and in the end I didn't feel the need to be checking his account.

This past week I've be been a bit suspicious (he's not wanting to spend money when we go out, taking ages to go to the shop round the corner etc) so decided to log into his account and I think he has been gambling again. On Thursday there were 2 transactions from the same ATM at a service station where there was a £1.99 fee for each withdrawal. He's a truck driver so often makes stops at service stations and is where he usually gambles. I didn't say anything although I'm not really sure why.

He went to the takeaway on Friday and seemed to take a long time so I checked his account whilst he was out, he withdrew £60 whilst he was out and when I looked in his wallet when he was home there was nothing in there. Our takeaway only cost £20 and he took the cash with him from home.

I have logged in to his account and he's been at the service station again today. 2 transactions with ATM fees one after the other.

I'm livid and I don't know how to approach this. I have a feeling that if I confront him he will lie and we will end up having a huge row.

Please help. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 14:02

Could you just tell him the truth? What you have said here and see wha he says?

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 14:04

And an addiction is that 'an addiction'. He needs professional help and support. You leaving is likely to make it far, far worse.

Has anything happened, he been stressed etc that could have started it up again?

So sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 14:04

@Snowysky20009 Thats what I'm planning to do but I'm scared of what the outcome is going to be. He's either going to lie or tell the truth and I need to have a plan ready for each scenario.

I feel so sad- I don't want to end our relationship but I know I have to because of the ultimatum I gave him last year.

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 15/01/2018 14:05

It definitely sounds as if he is falling back into his old ways and he has done so since he knows you are not routinely checking his account.

You have no choice but to confront him and carry through your original ultimatum, he's lied and gone back on his promise to you he is the one at fault not you. You simply can't trust him and even if you were to take over all the financial aspects of your life and just give him pocket money, which is not an ideal solution in the long run, he would still find ways to gamble that.

He has given you reason to be suspicious and he knows it which is why he will no doubt get very defensive when you confront him.

Graphista · 15/01/2018 14:05

I agree once you've issued an ultimatum you have to follow it through or it's meaningless.

I'm from a family of addicts, gambling is one of the hardest to deal with because there's nothing to physically stop the action - a drunk or drug addict will periodically pass out even be hospitalised, a gambler keeps going and going. The big one in my family has gambled away 2 marriages/families and 3 houses. Never stops him.

The others sought help and as other addicts accept they will always be addicts and fight it daily, one goes to regular GA meetings the other has found religion. Whatever works.

But I'm of the opinion no addict can stop purely by willpower alone, there's good science backs this up. Addiction alters the brain not just chemistry but physiologically.

Sorry - veering off there.

But yes leave. Even if only until he seeks proper help and support to stop completely and for a reasonable amount of time.

Original poster

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 14:07

@Snowysky20009 I don't think he's been stressed but he did get a Christmas bonus so maybe he felt he had money to waste? I've had a look back further into his account and it seems this might have started a few months ago but only £20-30 here and there. Perhaps he thought he could just gamble 'small' amounts and it would stop at that?
He went cold turkey- no therapy or counselling so I guess a relapse was inevitable?

OP posts:

Olikingcharles · 15/01/2018 14:12

My EXH was a gambler along with other issues it's one of the reason's he's Ex. Ultimately he never stopped. It got worse and we lost everything he gambled away his family in the end. 2Dc's, himself and i ultimately left homeless ( almost broke me mentally). Please plan to leave sooner rather than later. In my experience it never ends well. Living with a gambling addict is hell. Goodluck.

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 14:16

I obviously don't know what you've said to him in the past. But you need to say, imo, along the lines of:

'I need you to listen to me fully and think about what you are going to say before replying, because this is serious.
This is the evidence (show him the statements, tell him what you know), this is what I believe. I need you tell me the truth, I will help and support you, and we will get through this. I love you and don't want to leave.
However, if you chose to lie to me, you will pack up your things and leave tonight. I can not be with someone who obviously does not love me enough, to be open and honest. Any trust I had left will be gone. But as I said at the beginning, I love you, and don't want to walk away, but if I do it's because you forced me'

I'm shit with words! I know. But something like that. But you have to be prepared to send him packing. How you handle it afterwards, him getting help etc is irreverent at the moment. You just need to show him that you are there and will support him, but if he's lying and gambling away the money, he has to leave because you will no longer put up with it.

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 14:18

Sorry I should have read the full thread I'm basically saying what LemonShark has said

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 14:21

DMwankers that's the problem with addiction. Once an addict, always an addict, it doesn't matter what too. The gambler thinks he can just bet £20, because he's fine now and it's not the £200 he used too. The drinker thinks they can just have one or glasses of wine, because it used to be one or two bottles. The guy addicted to prostites thinks he can just have one lap dance because it's not full sex, and so on.
That's why professional help is so important.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 14:28

Snowysky Disagree. That's showing huge weakness on the OPs part. She previously issued and ultimatum and has to carry it out. Doing what you suggests means he can admit it, she'll stay, and down the road he can carry on again because she doesn't carry through on her "threats".

She should ask him to leave.

If she wants to take him back later when he's signed up to professional help, that would be different.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 15/01/2018 14:30

I remember your post last year.

I'm not going to say pack his bags or leave him. Gambling is an horrendous addiction and can literally leave you with nothing! But, the fact he did so well for so long makes me think he does value you and wants to stop. So, I would sit him down and calmly tell him you know he's gambling again. Ask him to be honest with you otherwise you want him to leave. Then, and I'm hoping he will talk, tell him he's just entered the last chance saloon, he must get professional help if he can't stay away from gambling otherwise you want him to go because he will lose everything he has and you're not being dragged down with him.

Good luck x

Original poster

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 15:02

I feel like I need concrete proof to give some validity to my accusation. I know from his bank statements that the chances are he is gambling again but I know he will just lie.

OP posts:

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 15/01/2018 15:17

Gamblers do lie. And they get defensive and they try to turn the tables and tell you you're being unreasonable etc.

Can you gather more evidence before confronting him?

mumpoints · 15/01/2018 15:20

OP If you want proof, can you follow him to the betting shop takeaway and take a photo?

Isn't the missing money enough proof? This equipment that he says he bought, have you seen it? There could be a lot more missing.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 15:20

He needs to get proper help I think to stop. Depends if you think your marriage is worth fighting for or if you think it's a lost cause now?

kaytee87 · 15/01/2018 15:24

I think you need to kick him out and say you might consider him coming back in 6 months if he gets real help for his gambling.

You don't need proof, there's no jury to convince - you know and it's your relationship.

SparklyMagpie · 15/01/2018 15:32

You don't need proof OP

You need to this for you and DC

Graphista · 15/01/2018 16:02

Addicts lie, manipulate, gaslight, steal... The addiction is their primary relationship and even the next relationship comes WAY below.

My dad is a non-drinking (not the same as sober as not his choice) alcoholic, currently in hospital on palliative care due to wrecking his body - he's still denying he's an alcoholic.

limesalsa · 15/01/2018 16:03

I think it's pretty disgraceful the number of posters encouraging you to leave him. Gambling is an addiction and what he needs is love and support to get through this, not abandonment - we are imperfect creatures after all.

He obviously did well to go cold turkey for a period but perhaps that didn't get to the route of the problem. Perhaps counseling would help?

I had a gambling addiction. I could never open up to DH because of the shame I felt. It didn't affect our financial security as bills etc were always paid but it was obvious to him as my mood was dictated by if I had a good win or big loss. Eventually he confronted me, and I broke down but he supported me and continues to support me when I have temptations. I don't know where I'd be mentally if he'd left.

Please don't give up on your DP.

RedDogsBeg · 15/01/2018 16:22

I think it's pretty disgraceful to say she has to stay and support him limesalsa, at what cost to herself and her children?

OP can support still support her dh if he leaves and gets professional help for his addiction.

I'm assuming the OP wants to be in a relationship with an equal not someone who she has to monitor and check up on continuously, or treat as a recalcitrant child and dish out pocket money every now and then depending on behaviour.

Lucyccfc · 15/01/2018 17:22

Lime salsa - there comes a time when the lies and deceit become too much. I supported my ex-DH through a gambling addiction. He went to G A and I went to a support group. He stopped for a while, but not for long and ended up stealing from me.

I was in a very lucky position that I was the higher earner, owned the house we lived in and had the common sense to keep my own bank account. I finally threw him out when he stole money off me.

I am sorry, but in my experience a gambler (who is addicted) will continue to lie, deceive, cheat, steal and manipulate to find a way to fund their habit. Sometimes the only way (after support and an ultimatum) is to get rid and let them hit rock bottom.

SanFranBear · 15/01/2018 17:27

If you think he'll just lie if you confront him, that kind of gives you your answer. Sounds like the trust is gone

Graphista · 15/01/2018 17:28

Sorry limesalsa but your post comes across as unsympathetic to op's position, minimising the effect of what you did (the bills still got paid - by whom and at what cost? And I don't just mean financially), you also say "had" a gambling addiction which suggests you haven't fully admitted to yourself that you ARE an addict and always will be.

The op can love and support him WITHOUT being naively victimised by his addiction.

There's also 2 DC involved here they need protecting and must be prioritised.

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 17:29

Haha great minds think alike Snowysky20009!

I'm the child of an alcohol who drank themselves to death, I know a lot about addiction sadly and I still say the OP should leave her husband if she needs to. That's not a reflection on him being a bad person, an addiction is an unimaginably powerful thing. But given that she had already stood by him once and given him a chance and he's proven he's unable to remain abstinent, OP doesn't have to stay on a sinking ship. She has her own life to think about.

An addiction is often almost impossible to arrest or control, but that doesn't mean everyone around the person has to stay for the ride. We all have to think about ourselves and our own wellbeing. Whether OP stays or leaves is up to her but I'm sad to see people urging her to stay as I can't imagine that helps with the guilt. I wonder if those saying please don't give up on him have ever had their life irreparably damaged or their heart smashed to pieces by someone with an addiction? Just to try understand where they're coming from.

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