He's at it again isn't he?

[DMwankers]

Last year I gave an ultimatum- give up gambling or I'm leaving. He gave up and I believed him fully. He told me his online bank details and encouraged me to monitor the account to prove that he was no longer gambling. He did so well and in the end I didn't feel the need to be checking his account.

This past week I've be been a bit suspicious (he's not wanting to spend money when we go out, taking ages to go to the shop round the corner etc) so decided to log into his account and I think he has been gambling again. On Thursday there were 2 transactions from the same ATM at a service station where there was a £1.99 fee for each withdrawal. He's a truck driver so often makes stops at service stations and is where he usually gambles. I didn't say anything although I'm not really sure why.

He went to the takeaway on Friday and seemed to take a long time so I checked his account whilst he was out, he withdrew £60 whilst he was out and when I looked in his wallet when he was home there was nothing in there. Our takeaway only cost £20 and he took the cash with him from home.

I have logged in to his account and he's been at the service station again today. 2 transactions with ATM fees one after the other.

I'm livid and I don't know how to approach this. I have a feeling that if I confront him he will lie and we will end up having a huge row.

Please help. I don't know what to do.

Yea looks like you have your answer - no clear denial, projection and gaslighting. No doubt if you had told him why it would've been a load of excuses too.

Sorry op

And Mrspear I'm so sorry you're in that position, are you able to access advice specific to the country?

I have my answer but no idea what to do next. I wasn't anticipating this. I thought he would at least be honest after the last time

You need him out for say a week, to give you space to process the news.

He's treating you like an idiot. So disrespectful and dismissive.

You have to carry out your ultimatum - you leave or he has to leave (although I suspect he will refuse). If you don't go, then this is going to be your life for the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Is that what you want?

@ShatnersWig No- I don't want this anymore. I'm so terrified of upsetting the dc and starting again.

Kick him out. He will destroy your family.

DMwankers I am so so sorry DM. You must be in bits and your head everywhere x

I believe you have your answer.

IMO, I think you need to calmly tell him what evidence you have or believe you have. Say you gave him the opportunity to come clean, and that you can no longer trust him. Then you need to say he has to leave. If he will get professions help, then maybe you can look at salvaging your relationship in the future. But until that point you can no longer continue living with him.

(Or something like that)

I’m so sorry to read this DM. Hope you can get some space to decide your next step.

I gave dh an ultimatum to his spending and not paying bills (appreciate different from gambling). In the end his wages got paid into my account and I only transferred his spending money to his account. Some people would say it's treating him like a child but it was the only way to move on in our marriage, rebuild the trust and make sure our bills were paid.

have a look at this website

My DDs and I currently attend a support group run along Al-Anon lines. As the family member of someone with a gambling addiction, you too need support. These people will help you set boundaries and stop enabling your H. If he won't get help, at least you can.

I am so sorry he has denied it. He's currently deep in active addiction. My STBXH lied about drinking - there were empty bottles in the bedroom every time. It's part of their addiction. You know what you have to do, make sure you don't go into it alone.

Thank you for the advice. At the moment I don't know what to think. I wish I could just leave- I don't have the energy to keep fighting this losing battle

I think you have to work out how to leave and soon, otherwise he's vindicated and you're stuck.
Like most awful prospects the uncertainty will be worse than the reality so even though it may be hard, you will feel so much better for making the decision and being able to actually do something about it.