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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's at it again isn't he?

88 replies

DMwankers · 15/01/2018 13:04

Last year I gave an ultimatum- give up gambling or I'm leaving. He gave up and I believed him fully. He told me his online bank details and encouraged me to monitor the account to prove that he was no longer gambling. He did so well and in the end I didn't feel the need to be checking his account.

This past week I've be been a bit suspicious (he's not wanting to spend money when we go out, taking ages to go to the shop round the corner etc) so decided to log into his account and I think he has been gambling again. On Thursday there were 2 transactions from the same ATM at a service station where there was a £1.99 fee for each withdrawal. He's a truck driver so often makes stops at service stations and is where he usually gambles. I didn't say anything although I'm not really sure why.

He went to the takeaway on Friday and seemed to take a long time so I checked his account whilst he was out, he withdrew £60 whilst he was out and when I looked in his wallet when he was home there was nothing in there. Our takeaway only cost £20 and he took the cash with him from home.

I have logged in to his account and he's been at the service station again today. 2 transactions with ATM fees one after the other.

I'm livid and I don't know how to approach this. I have a feeling that if I confront him he will lie and we will end up having a huge row.

Please help. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
c3pu · 15/01/2018 17:40

If you must be 100% sure, check his location history and see if it points to him going to the bookies?

But frankly if you need to go to that sort of lengths, things are in dire straits indeed.

Graphista · 15/01/2018 17:41

I agree lemon and see it often on addiction threads, people who haven't lived with addicts urging those that are to continue to do so without understanding how awful it is.

Original poster
DMwankers · 15/01/2018 17:42

I'm going to ask him this evening when the DC are in bed. His reaction will tell me everything I need to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMwankers · 15/01/2018 17:42

@c3pu What do you mean when you say check his location? How can I do that?

OP posts:
LemonShark · 15/01/2018 17:43

It's sad Graphista. It comes from a place of compassion for the person with the addiction which isn't a bad thing, but completely ignores the impact on the one person who can't do a thing about the addiction in this scenario, OP has zero control over his gambling and shouldn't have to put up with the consequences.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 15/01/2018 17:48

My dh is/was a gambler. Pissed at least 15k up the wall in just under two years, including a fair whack of debt in my name.

Id warned him before when it was just smallish bets from our joint account, when i found the credit cards he had been using i publicly named and shamed him and issued an ultimatum.

I watched him like a hawk for months, it was truly awful. Of course he says he wont ever bet again, the second he does and hes out of here.

Graphista · 15/01/2018 17:48

It is sad, I kinda get where people with no experience of serious addiction are coming from, and they're trying to be kind, but yea until you've lived it you can't really understand what it's like to live it.

And when it comes from an addict it comes over a bit off.

MrsPear · 15/01/2018 17:50

If he is not non eu then leave.

If my h was not where he was from I would have left along time ago. He will not stop lying and you will end up just paying bills - if you take over that side - and that is it. Then will be no financial plans and no savings. In my case I can’t say no as he has been violent. He is jackal and Hyde. Plus it is lonely being with a gambler. It really enrages me that gambling is encouraged here on mn and seen as a morally legit form of income.

c3pu · 15/01/2018 17:50

@DMwankers - depending on what phone he has and how it's set up, it can keep a record of the places he's visited.

I don't know about apple stuff, but check out:

www.google.com/maps/timeline

If you log in with his google account, you may well be able to see.

Graphista · 15/01/2018 17:54

Mrspear are you in the uk yourself? If so please contact women's aid and work to leave your husband. His circumstances are not your responsibility when he's abusing you Flowers

helenoftroyville · 15/01/2018 17:59

You know he is gambling again, I wouldn't phrase it as a question.

I'd say 'I have proof you are gambling again, and I can't live with you anymore'

ConcreteUnderpants · 15/01/2018 18:00

Yes, that's the problem with issuing an ultimatum.

Addicts, by their nature are duplicitous and cunning. The feeling of shame/low self-esteem/depression that accompanys it also makes the problems worse. Also in my experience, addicts will often supplement their addiction when the highs become routine, and even develop additional addictions.

It's a very painful, destructive path for all involved, especially the innocent parties. Without proper professional help, he stands very little chance.

MrsPear · 15/01/2018 18:05

You don’t understand. I am in the uk. I have seen a solicitor. I need independent witnesses to the threats to take the children home as well as everything else. I don’t. Therefore automatically he will get 3 nights a week. More than enough time to drive home. The country is corrupt and I won’t get them back. There is zero opportunity there - hence why so many leave each year - and can’t do that to the children. So I stay and just toe the line until they are older.

op seriously you need to have a think. Gamblers are big liars. They will not give up unless they want too. Good luck.

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 18:20

LemonShark it was my mum I seen dealt with addiction- alcohol too. Thankfully she hasn't touched a drop in about 10 years. She would think nothing of having 6 cans of lager and a bottle of wine an evening, drinking all night she was working in the pub. When she and my dad were pissed, well that's a whole other story for another day.

I moved out at 16 because I couldn't cope anymore. It made no difference. It was only when she decided she had a problem did it stop. She was one of the lucky ones. However we have a toxic relationship now- again that's another thread.

OP it's easy for any of us here, behind a screen, not involved to say do this or do that. It's not our lives. It's not our partner leaving. It's not our partner gambling our wages away. It's not our children who are going to see their parents split up. It's not us sitting on pins everytime our partner goes out.

Everyone has different opinions and experiences based on their lives. But only you can decide if you want to try and work through this together, Or if you want him to leave.

I know you've asked what to do. But the reality mostly, is when we ask these questions we already know what we want to do, we are just looking for someone to confirm if it's the right thing to do, validation.

Thinks of you this evening

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 18:24

*Thinking of you this evening

Butterymuffin · 15/01/2018 18:41

To posters saying 'follow him', he's a lorry driver. Not practical!

parklives · 15/01/2018 18:43

My father took my family from 'well-to-do' to poverty through his gambling, aided by my mother who thought one day he would change.
He can't change, he doesn't even know he has a problem, he is completely delusional and addicted.
I wish and wished he had a different addicted that might have killed him instead of dragging us all down with him.

He might have an explanation, but an addict can't just stop, that might work for 1% of people, but not the 99% majority.

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 18:49

I'm so glad your mum managed to get sober Snowysky20009, I really am, even if sadly your relationship isn't as you'd want it to be. I sometimes think that gambling is a cruel addiction, with drugs and alcohol people say you need to hit rock bottom, and for some (like my lovely mum) that's death. But you can only go so long until you quit or you die. There are no elderly heroin users in our prisons. But with gambling it doesn't kill you. It just destroys your life and those around you. But you're still alive to deal with it. You can't escape in any way. It must be frightening not to have that safety valve (which I suppose is a death valve) where you have to quit or you'll die. As you can always postpone that little bit longer.

pointythings · 15/01/2018 19:07

I think you have to follow up on your ultimatum. However hard it is. He needs professional help with his addiction and while he is cosily living with you, and you are keeping the family afloat, he has no incentive to do that. He will keep threatening your finances and he will not recover if the status quo is maintained.

It's hard. I know, because I did it with STBXH - his addiction is alcohol.

Original poster
DMwankers · 15/01/2018 21:04

He's denied it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMwankers · 15/01/2018 21:05

He said 'Whatever it is that's made you think that I will be able to explain.' I couldn't even talk to him. He's making an idiot out of me.

OP posts:
mumpoints · 15/01/2018 21:06

Did he say what he did with the money?

Original poster
DMwankers · 15/01/2018 21:12

He said he would explain if I told him what's made me think he's gambling again but I couldn't even talk. I just said 'If you're telling me you haven't then that's all you need to say.' He didn't peruse it much more than that but did start to get defensive saying that I have no right to take the moral high ground when I spend so much on 'crap'

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 15/01/2018 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 21:32

but did start to get defensive saying that I have no right to take the moral high ground when I spend so much on 'crap'

He's guilty as hell. Diversion tactic, turn it back on you. If he was innocent he'd be offering to prove it, not asking you, in effect, to prove his guilt.