Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am so fucking crap at this??

97 replies

ethelfleda · 14/01/2018 22:13

Being a mother, I mean.

DS is 11 weeks tomorrow. And of course I've not slept properly since before he was born but I just can't seem to handle it. I feel so angry and frustrated. Nearly every night I would start to feel optimistic about getting more than 2 hours sleep in a row and every night it doesn't happen. I now DREAD bed time. I'm sat here bf my son and have been since ten to 9 and there is no sign of him getting sleepy or finishing any time soon. He is thrashing about on me while he feeds. When he eventually finishes I have to spend ages bringing his wind up so he doesn't throw up his feed... and only then can I put him down and try and sleep myself. By which time I will be so wound up I won't be able to. I really feel like I am failing at this miserably but it's not something you can just stop doing.
I wish I'd have known how bloody hard this would be.
And I know IABU for wallowing in self pity but I am so bloody depressed right now.

OP posts:
Lovestonap · 14/01/2018 22:15

Wallow away.

I remember clearly sitting up with my new baby and telling my husband quite calmly that we'd made a mistake and couldn't handle this, and that I'd call social services in the morning and we should get him adopted. It just seemed ridiculous it was so hard, and it made me feel that I wasn't able to do it.

We got through that night (and many many others).

It feels weird it's so hard doesn't it? When all the images we see of mothers and babies are so relaxed and natural.

MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2018 22:20

He’s not feeding after an hour and a half on the breast. You sound utterly exhausted and no wonder. Are you eating plenty and regularly? These evening feeds can seem endless. Have you tried a dummy? I mean really tried as in over and over. My babies were compulsive suckers and dummies saved us.

If you have a partner please try to let them help and have a soothing bath and then into bed. Consider a relaxation podcast if you can’t relax.

Tomorrow make an appointment to see your hv and tell her everything. It shouldn’t be quite so hard at this stage and Yabu to suggest you are a crap mother. You so are not. Flowers

RefuseTheLies · 14/01/2018 22:20

I really, really, really did not cope well with broken or little sleep. So much so that we’re not having another baby EVER!

I could cope with the nappies, the colic, the reflux, spew, snotters - everything, but not sleep deprivation.

My toddler is two now and I still get pissed off if she wakes in the night.

Newtothismumthing1 · 14/01/2018 22:20

Broken sleep is hell on earth. I was expecting the baby to feed every 2-3 hrs as told to me in the BF class...but I had a cluster feeding newborn who would eat for hours on end and some days not nap at all.
It’s normal to be almost Shell shocked by it. It’s similar to labour in that no matter how much people warn you, you cannot begin to comprehend how exhausting it is. My point is you aren’t rubbish, you are exhausted and this is normal.
If only I had known how quick the time goes I wouldn’t have stressed so much-my DD is now 5 months and she now sleeps 6 hrs. Honestly is passes, do trust that, all will be fine once you get some sleep.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 14/01/2018 22:22

Yes it is so strange. I want to run away. I want to go back to my old apartment with a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes and get smashed by myself and forget I'm even a mother for a couple of hours.
Can't believe I thought I could do it - and do it well to be honest.

OP posts:
Unicorndiscoball · 14/01/2018 22:22

I hated going to bed when Ds was a little baby because like you, I would lie there fuming about being awake and be too wound up to go back to sleep myself, making myself more knackered. What actually helped was completely letting go of the rage and just accepting it. He was crap at sleeping, I was knackered, the end. I had a moment when I’d just Gone back to work and he kept me up ALL NIGHT and I was wrecked, but 3 weeks into a new job, knew I couldn’t take the day off. So I got through the day with the help of red bull and those dextrose tablets. I realised that actually I could survive on literally no sleep at all, and since then I have been able to cope with any crapness, as I found inner resolve that I would survive. Pre DS if I had less than 8 hours solid sleep I was trashed. However I did Persevere throughout with a bedtime routine and keeping everything boring at night. That paid dividends when he was slightly older and being ‘naughty’ about going to bed.

mumpoints · 14/01/2018 22:23

I remember walking past a hotel, pushing baby, and thinking "Of course! I can get some sleep in there! It will be clean and comfortable and I wonder if I can get a room at this time..." (midday) and then realising it wasn't the lack of bed that was the reason I was tired lol!

Flowers OP.

Wetwashing00 · 14/01/2018 22:24

Is this your first baby? I felt like this with my first.
It is a complete ball ache, and you have my sympathies.
I wanted a real solution so bad, anything to make sleep happen for me. The best advice I was given was whilst I was bf my second....do what you feel most comfortable with to get sleep. Bf to sleep, bed share, fuck the washing, don’t make too many social plans. Putting pressure on yourself to maintain your pre-baby routine will just stress u out more.
There is also a sleep regression around this age, it is a killer.
Breastfeeding whilst in bed was a godsend, my second would eventually help himself and just go straight back to sleep.
I personally found once weaning was going well I got a lot more sleep.
You’re not crap at this,Best of luck to you, power on through.

Offyougo · 14/01/2018 22:24

Cosleep and feed lying down. Haven't really been sleep deprived other then first couple of days /illness that way.

Oooocrikeyitscold · 14/01/2018 22:25

I agree with the poster who said here’s not feeding after that duration. My DD would happily sleep the whole time attached to my boob. It’s comfort.
I change, start the white noise, feed and then put down (you’ll feel when the sucking changes and it goes from feed to comfort)

Unicorndiscoball · 14/01/2018 22:25

I also used to dream about running away and getting drunk and leaving responsibilities behind! What I was trying to say in a long winded way was that the ‘feeling totally trapped’ stage doesn’t last long and you will get through it. Broken sleep is shit though, we had 5 years of early waking and it nearly killed me x

Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 22:26

You're not crap at being a mother Flowers

Slep deprivation is torture. I remember sobbing helplessly, telling dh I couldn't do it any more, and even shouting at my baby Blush

It gets better. Much, much better. Just hang in there, however you get through this incredibly hard bit is ok. The images of contented serene mothers and babies are bollocks - virtually everybody finds this stage a nightmare. Is there any way you could get a decent long break and catch up on sleep? Could you express enough milk for dh or someone else to have him for a whole night?

Sending you a big hug. You're not crap, just human Flowers

JoyceByersFairyLights · 14/01/2018 22:26

Argh, totally been there OP. I remember that endless cycle of feeding, rocking, winding etc all through the night, which for the first 12 weeks I did whilst intermittently crying and quietly berating myself about how stupid I must have been to want to have a baby.

Time passes and it does get easier. Have you got IRL support, people you can talk to / get support from if you’re feeling really depressed? It’s not wallowing or self pity - this bit is hard graft.

FlowersCakeBrew

FittonTower · 14/01/2018 22:26

No sleep is hell on earth and the cluster feeding of the early months is the worst (pretty normal, but the worst). I had 2 bad sleepers and there were times I thought I couldn't do it. Ask for help. Hand the baby over and go to bed whenever you get the chance and be kind to yourself. You're not crap at it, it's just the hardest thing most people ever do. It gets better and you can do it.

user1471459936 · 14/01/2018 22:26

It's bloody hard. Ridiculously so. But try to not get wound up by your baby, they don't mean to be the sleep-stealing nuisance that they are. It will get easier in time. The usual: have you a partner who can help; sleep in the day (ha!) etc

Original poster
ethelfleda · 14/01/2018 22:27

Do you think he isnt actually feeding then and is just using me as a dummy?? How can I tell??

OP posts:
throwcushions · 14/01/2018 22:27

I get very frustrated when baby won't sleep. You are not being unreasonable, at all. Babies are unreasonable. At around 11 weeks I was still struggling with cluster feeding. At its worst baby fed almost solidly from 5pm to 2am and I was so cross and downhearted. I reluctantly used a dummy. It completely saved us and now at 16 weeks she refuses it any way but we don't need it much.

acquiescence · 14/01/2018 22:28

You are not doing a crap job. The adjustment is the hardest bit, the loss of your previous life, and not being able to switch off for even half an hour.

I felt like this with my first, utterly miserable and drained. I’m a mental health professional and didn’t believe it was PND although in hindsight I suppose it could have been, the reality was it was entirely due to the situation rather than an illness. It passed, and it will pass for you. The baby will get bigger and sleep better. What helped my sanity and emotional well-being was expressing and giving a bottle in the evening to avoid the interminable evening feeds, and then introducing a bottle of formula around 3/4 months. My husband did this and I had a break.

I’m expecting baby number 2 any day and am absolutely shitting myself at the thought of the renewed sleep deprivation, really hoping I’m able to handle it better this time. Lots of luck OP, you can and will do this.

mercurymaze · 14/01/2018 22:28

it is very very hard to do but it does get so much better. be kind to yourself x

ghostyslovesheets · 14/01/2018 22:29

Flowers you are not crap at it - you are tired, utterly exhausted, attached to a limpet baby - it sucks

you will get through this - it passes - try and look after yourself, try a dummy, hand baby to dad and go out - and have a glass of bloody wine if you want one

I spent at least 2-4 nights with each of mine thinking I'd made the biggest mistake of my life - it gets better x

acquiescence · 14/01/2018 22:29

Regarding your question about using you as a dummy, try giving him a dummy, if he spits it out he is still hungry and if he takes it likely to be just getting comfort. Unless he refuses a dummy all the time.

suchatiredbunny · 14/01/2018 22:31

OP you are not crap at this, being a mother for the first time is like being hit by a bus, nothing prepares you for it. A friend wrote in a card "every couple of weeks it gets a bit better" which is true, you don't see it as it happens but gradually things will settle down. My advice is to try a dummy because baby is using you as one. Be prepared to try formula if you get to the point of not knowing what else to do, it might be that the milk you have isn't very filling (I had a transfusion after my first and although I had gallons of milk it literally looked like grey dishwater). Make sure you eat well as it will help and rest when you can. You will get through it, I promise Flowers

Original poster
ethelfleda · 14/01/2018 22:33

Yes, he is my first. I haven't tried a dummy as so many people have advised against it but I don't know what to do. I also don't know how to get him off once he has started.

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 14/01/2018 22:34

An actual feed is probably about 10 mins per breast max (for a robust 3mo). Maybe less. Look at him closely and you might be able to notice when he stops swallowing /fluffing it down, and is just sucking instead?

You could try a dummy - keep him in 'feeding position' the first few times and just wriggle it in to him in place of nipple.

Can you co-sleep, or put the cot right up against your bed?

Hang in there. It does eventually get better...

Buxbaum · 14/01/2018 22:34

OP, in the really dark early days I used to fantasise about divorcing my absolutely beloved DH so that he would have custody for part of the week and I would be able to have a few nights' uninterrupted sleep. I once admitted this to a friend in RL and her horrified expression showed me just how crackers it was.

Please be very kind to yourself and accept any and all offers of help. It gets better. Flowers