To think I am so fucking crap at this??

[ethelfleda]

Being a mother, I mean.

DS is 11 weeks tomorrow. And of course I've not slept properly since before he was born but I just can't seem to handle it. I feel so angry and frustrated. Nearly every night I would start to feel optimistic about getting more than 2 hours sleep in a row and every night it doesn't happen. I now DREAD bed time. I'm sat here bf my son and have been since ten to 9 and there is no sign of him getting sleepy or finishing any time soon. He is thrashing about on me while he feeds. When he eventually finishes I have to spend ages bringing his wind up so he doesn't throw up his feed... and only then can I put him down and try and sleep myself. By which time I will be so wound up I won't be able to. I really feel like I am failing at this miserably but it's not something you can just stop doing.
I wish I'd have known how bloody hard this would be.
And I know IABU for wallowing in self pity but I am so bloody depressed right now.

I remember the horror of the early days/weeks only too well, and you have all my sympathy.

Is your dp helping at all? Does he bring you drinks and food when you're feeding the babe? You need at least a glass of water, while you're stuck there.

It won't last, just remember "this too shall pass" - you'll find that phrase useful

Meanwhile, don't bother about chores etc. Prioritise sleep. If dp/h/dad is around, he needs to do practically everything.

Oh, as said upthread, you are the best mum your baby could ever ask for.

Also, co-sleep, and get a sling.

Thank you everyone. DH is in our room and I'm in the spare room now (whereDH usually sleeps) but still can't seem to drift off.
I have a next to me crib and have tried co-sleeping but it doesn't seem to make any difference- DS doesn't seem to need me in that way? I can't reall6 explain it. Also, he is quite a sicky baby and will bring up large amounts if he feeds lying down or if I don't hold him upright for 15 mins.
I thought I was supposed to let him feed whenever and for as long as he wants to... but it is nearly breaking me... But I'm so scared I'm not doing right by him if I don't let him eat when he wants. Will discuss giving a dummy with DH to see if that helps as well.
Thank you everyone for the support and kind words. Am trying to fight the urge to go downstairs and knock back a whiskey!

Don't fret Ethel, you are doing fine, it's just exhausting. You really do need a break from DS to get some sleep. When we lived in caves we could just curl up in a nest with babies as most animals still do and do nothing else until they weaned, with all this modern technology we now have other things tearing us from our instincts- at least baby wipes were invented so that's a positive! Seriously it's the lack of sleep making you feel useless and you are not, it's normal and yes why does no one tell us that we will want to send them back, fake a hospital appointment with huge waiting times so we can check into travelodge for a nap instead, but we can't because we feel guilty

ethelfleda try ringing the national breastfeeding line, they're really helpful and should give you evidence based advice

National BFing Helpline 0300 100 0212

Open 9:30am-9:30 pm everyday including weekends and bank holiday.

Thank you- I will try to call them today. I stupidly thought if he was feeding for so long that maybe he was 'tanking up' for a decent sleep! No such luck - I've had about 90 minutes of sleep

I remember want to leave the maternity unit and head 5 mins down the road to the main nightlife area ... with my milk swollen norks, post natal bleeding and stitches ...

I also used to get so wound up about the lack of sleep. It all sounds very normal. Can you talk to a sympathetic HV or GP? Can you plug into podcasts or music, Netflix.

It will pass and before you know it the sweet baby will have morphed into a sweaty, opinionated argument-starter

I wouldn't go back to those early days. It is relentless. Reading What Mothers Do helped me feel less guilty

Thank you pengggwn I often see your posts on here and you talk sense!

wtffgs I have just ordered that book to my kindle as the description sounds like it was written for me!! DH says I put too much pressure on... I expect that I can look after DS whilst also keeping the house clean and preparing healthy food and exercising and not looking like a zombie. It seems so silly now that I thought I could do all that!

OP I feel your pain, I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours sometimes with DC1 and it was so so hard. I struggled with breastfeeding with DC1 and although I am still feeding her at 2 I did supplement with formula at times because I was so fucking knackered.

Becoming a mother has been the single most difficult thing I have ever experienced (and I have been through very difficult times) - it turns your world upside down and when I would hear people saying how amazing it was I literally thought people were telling hate faces lies!! I was like you, I just wanted to escape, smoke 30 cigarettes in a row, drink prosecco and forget that I was a mother - DC2 however, has been a text book baby and made me realise why people say what they say about having kids - people don't understand if you have a text book baby for your first.

Be kind to yourself, supplement with formula if you want/need to, that's if you want to carry on feeding - if not, that's fine too. Also ask for help, I didn't with my first and it made everything so much worse!

I found the mantra 'this too shall pass' really helpful in the early days and it will, I promise.

Thank you peppa
It really is very hard work. I hate to sound like I am complaining because I adore him so much but sometimes I just want to run away!

@ethelfleda oh god, everyone with their 'oooh enjoy it, it goes so fast', 'it's the most amazing thing in the world' - aggghhhhhh, is not always and even though you can absolutely adore your child, your life has changed immeasurably and that can be hard - what you are feeling is totally normal and don't worry about saying about the bad times, everyone has them!!!

Maybe you should get out for a night out or date night - Just a few hours out of the house feeling normal!! It will help...it's the relentlessness at the beginning and the no escape feeling!!!

It is SO hard! I feel passionately that it is very unfortunate there is no way to fully understand what it will be like, until it happens. I was totally and utterly blindsided by how difficult it was. My DS and I had terrible trouble breastfeeding, and I was far too stubborn to stop, which I'm glad about in hindsight but at the time it was very difficult as I was so conflicted, I hated breastfeeding but didn't want to stop...
I wanted to run away, so much, I still have moments like that now and DS is almost two! Although he is still a bad sleeper, I don't think I would feel like that if he slept well, as he is lovely.

I definitely agree with a PP who said that it's best not to get worked up about the lack of sleep, because actually, it is amazing what you can get through. Acceptance can be very liberating! Although I will admit that I have plans to wake DS with an air horn when he is a teenager.

Just please don't think that you are bad at this, you aren't... it's just one of the hardest things you can possibly do, unfortunately. Also one of the most wonderful and rewarding too though (thank goodness!!).

Although I will admit that I have plans to wake DS with an air horn when he is a teenager

MATE

had a brain like a smashed case with my first

had a brain like a smashed base with my second

twelve weeks was a key turning point for me

TOP TIP: keep the wee one upright for 30 mins. Yes reading that is likely to make you want to cry but when we were where you are with DD and DS it was the only thing that allowed us to settle them knowing they were falling into a “routine”.

Thank you - DH and I were just discussing one of the worst parts... that you have no idea when it will end! He may magically sleep through tonight and forever more or he may still be like this at 2 years old. If someone could say "your baby will sleep much better from 6th March" for instance at least you know what you're getting and you could mentally cope with another 6 weeks.

I agree: shifts with partner. Can you express or even mix feed? Then you could get a block of 4-5 hours sleep over one feed which would make you feel like a totally different person. Some of my friends, their DH stayed up late and did the midnight feed while they went to bed early, I used to take our DD to ExH at 5AM as baby fed less at that time, and then slept until 9, he went to work late and stayed late. DD2 was easier as I took her into bed with me which I was too scared to do with DD1.

Totally agree also with many on here about trying a dummy. No dummies is a peculiarly British obsession. All babies have dummies here where I live in Germany. Some bottles of formula won’t harm your baby either if pumping too exhausting.

It WILL get better. Mine both got much better around six months.

If you look behind his ears when he is feeding you will see it going in and out when he is actually feeding and swallowing.

I quickly started giving a last bottle feed at night to full them up. I never seemed to have enough milk to satisfy them fully at night. Anything to make life easier and calmer for us all. No point in feeling guilty if it makes you feel like a better mother because you are less tired.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
Sleep deprivation is enough to drive anyone to despair! For us a dummy has been a real help. I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job. Stick at it. Accept any help offered and remember this won't last forever.

OP I am 6 months in and it really really really does get better. I found that listening to podcasts helped in be sleepless nights or watching a tv series so I'd look forward to the next episode. Also it's all well and good people telling you dummies are bad etc. But you just need to do what's right for you and your baby. What's right for you is some sleep. My DD wouldn't take a dummy and would take AGES on a feed. It was draining (quite literally) but she's got quicker now. Music helped her. I'd feed her and my DH would rock her to sleep with some music (weirdly she's a big pet shop boys fan!?!) and this worked. It really really does get better. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and helpless and just wanting my old life back and then feeling guilty. It's totally normal and I found after about 3 months that it just got SO much easier!!! Big love and support to you. You're doing AMAZING. You're sustaining a life - a whole human! - on your own and you're getting through it. Xxxx

loves sums it up perfectly.
Don't worry op.. The thing you don't want to do is get into a rut thinking this will be it forever... It's all very up and down in the first weeks... Hard to get routine.. Things should settle down soon. Make sure dh helps too. I would feed and dh spend ages cycling legs for wind.. It does get better hang in